Dear 3rd, my husband wants another woman, should I agree to it?

It's been ages since I have written on this blog. Every now and then - maybe a few times a year - I open up my mailbox just out of curiosity. Interestingly enough people still email me regularly. They ask for advice or sometimes want me to be part of some television show on polygamy. (Sorry tv-folks; not going to happen.)

A question I have received often comes from women who are asking for advice whether or not they should agree to their husband taking on another wife. I am sure many women point blank refuse such a thought from their husband. The ones that email me are usually struggling, they are not sure whether to be open to the idea or not.

So if you are in this situation - and you are wondering what to do - I have no clear cut answer, but the only thing I can do is give you some ideas to consider.

Usually the women see certain benefits in the arrangement.

_ someone to help out around the house and with the kids

sounds appealing right?...someone to help out with the task of taking care of the household, bringing kids to soccer practice, cleaning up some of the mess

_ someone to be friends with and confide in

wouldn't it be great to have someone who completely agrees that your husband is being insensitive and helps you fight some of the battles you have with him, so he will end up more considerate?

_someone who keeps the husband satisfied se.xually

after years of marriage some women don't have the energy to be as physically intimate with their husbands as they were in the beginning, to an extent they like the thought of someone else taking some of this pressure off of them

Now, I can see all these points, and I am sure there are polygynous relationships in which the women actually experience these benefits. But there is a big thing missing in these considerations...
What will the second wife want out of the arrangement?
And what will the husband want out of the arrangement?

Before making a decision you have to consider the second wife's point of view.
She probably doesn't feel like she has been put on earth to make your life easier and unburden you. And no matter how selfless an act you are performing by allowing her to step into your relationship with your husband, she will want a relationship of her own with him. She will want to be treated as an equal, and not as someone who is there to give you and your husband room to breathe.

This is a basic human need, and as a woman you should respect that.

Once you allow her in, you will have to SHARE. If you are ok with that, if you are ok with making arrangements during the holidays on who gets quality time with him when, who gets what weekend days with him when, if you are ok with her having kids of her own and you will be understanding that her kids will need just as much time with their dad as your kids do... if you realize that she is her own person with her own points of view that will be different from yours ... then ok - you may potentially be ready to reap the benefits of polygyny.

But there is still your husband's point of view to consider.
I know many people look down on this way of life and say that the husband is just exploiting the women, he is some per.vert or whatever... All bs if you ask me. It is perfectly normal for a very decent and kind guy to think of other women and maybe even to want to take care of more than one woman and more than one family.

Sure some men may be driven to this because they are sexually frustrated. In that case they may end up bringing in a second wife which doesn't share any of the values that you do. Men's ability to reject women and be selective is limited at that point. This second wife he brings in may be insecure, needy, ready to accept you as part of the relationship only because she thinks she can make him leave you in the end and choose her instead... Beware of your husband's ability to choose carefully... it may become a nightmare if he introduces a bad sample.

Now let's assume you have a decent and caring guy who is simply very honest about his internal desires and wants to offer both you and another woman a good life.
Understand that he will be choosing a wife. He is not choosing a person to help you in the household and change nappies of your babies. If that were the case you would be looking at news paper ads for homemakers. Nope.. he will chose someone he is physically and emotionally attracted to and that will be visible to you. You know your husband better than anyone else. Do you really think you won't be confronted with these emotions which will start to develop in both of them?
Be ready to deal with a husband that will be in a happy pinky place, a bit distracted, and giddy. That can be utterly annoying if you are stressed out and feeling alone.

You may be reading this and thinking - I can accept this in principle. I can understand my husband's needs and also the second wife's needs. I think I can do this.

Then hey - live and prosper! :)

I personally don't believe I could have done this without faith. You know, we are all mortals, flawed, ego-driven and ego-centric. My husband has hurt me many times, as well as my sister-wives. And I have hurt them. On some occasions it has been really rough. There were times with very little communication between us sister wives. Or periods of time when we were all upset with our husband and he was getting troubles in any home he went to.
Whoever has read through my blog has seen some of that in the posts.
I don't think I would have stuck through it if I didn't believe it served a bigger purpose. If I didn't believe this is where God wanted me to be.
That has been my way of going through all of this and finally - as my last post said - getting undefined by the situation. I am a wife of my husband. The whole 3rd thing really doesn't matter.
And my sisterwives are his wives too.
Their numbers don't matter either.

I hope whatever you chose to do, that you are honest with yourself. Never let a man drag you into a situation where you feel you are crossing your own boundaries. We should never let people bully us into anything. And we should definitely not be married to someone who pushes us to do stuff we feel uncomfortable with. If you want to explore this way of life, do it at your pace. He wants something from you right? Then he better let you decide the pace.

Good luck to all,
and if you want to email me or comment on this - feel free to do so. I may reply some months later, but your message WILL be read. :)

Love
3rd (who doesn't care she is 3rd anymore :p)

Undefined by numbers

Hello all.. Well, I didn't want to come back here and say I was busy, though I was, but it was obviously not the reason for my absence. It took me some evaluating to figure out why exactly I haven't felt the need to write anything for so long. One might think it's because of some issues, well no..not at all.

For those that have read my blog since the beginning you might remember the post 'defined by numbers', in which I was wondering why it is that the fact I am 3rd tends to dominate my life, it seems to be so defining.. Well, it isn't anymore. Actually I hardly ever think about polygyny at all nowadays, and that's a good thing. The reason for this is probably that the amount of fights have reduced to almost zero. This does not mean we're the best of friends. We just hang out as much as we feel like it and not more than that. As far as I am concerned this works really well.

Another important thing is that I feel like I have fully come to terms with this lifestyle. And this has really a lot to do with this blogging-thing, and especially with the insightful comments from all of you. Especially Donald, Sage, CM, and a special reader that has always preferred to comment by mail, namely Paul. And of course UmmAR kept me smiling.

Then there were the stories of all the other people that live this lifestyle or that have lived this lifestyle, they have helped me get a better perspective on who I am and how I want to live my own life.

Doesn't this feel like a goodbye?

Kind of, it does, I am wondering if it makes sense to keep blogging as 3rd. I don't feel like venting about polygyny anymore. I might occasionally, but will it really fill a blog? Right now it seems it won't.

At the moment I am inclined to just leave this blog open and whenever I feel like it update something, but I haven't made my final decision yet. What do you guys think?

Sometimes things just take you by surprise

You'll never guess what happened!

4th all of a sudden started talking to me!

Yeah, I know, crazy right?

And it happened almost immediately after I wrote that previous post.

Its like God said, 'Ok, I see you are trying, I'll make it easier for you'.

I was actually a bit too shocked to respond at first. But then I did my best to communicate back as well. Today I made an effort to talk to her myself. Nothing special really - superficial stuff, but definitely less strained. Not sure why she changed her mind though, it surely took me by surprise.

Feedback please

Hello all.. I'd appreciate some tips today.

There is not much new stuff to write about. My relationship with 1st and 2nd is steady, not anything deep but we try to communicate about the most important events in the week for example. But with 4th it is quite strained. We limit it to the mere necessities. Now in a way I am fine with that. And in a way I feel like I souldn't have to try and change that since she obviously isn't trying.

But then again, I feel like I should just be the bigger woman so to speak. My aim is not to achieve friendship, not now anyway. But it would be nice to not feel so iced up when talking to her. Any tips?

I have considered making it a one way effort. So just start talking to her about something that happened to me during the week, even if she doesn't really respond to it. But I am honestly not so good at that "we're pretending everything is fine" type of thing. And it seems this requires some faking. Or is there another way?

News...

I haven't updated here in ages it seems. Been cheating on you guys, found a new place to vent. It's writing... fiction. And I am writing for me only, not sharing it on any blog or whatever.

It's really weird, but it totally lifts me up. Though I've realized that in the end its just another way to escape reality. If I am walking or in the car or whatever, cooking even, a part of my brain disconnects and I enter some other world, my imaginary world. Then, when I have to get back to reality and really focus, it seems that much easier and somehow even more interesting.

It would be the best thing ever if I could end up earning a living with writing. A lot of discipline is involved with it though and whether I will ever finish a book I really don't know. It seems like my head holds an entire lake of thoughts and ideas and what's on paper is maybe just a cupfull. It takes a lot of times to translate feelings, images and thoughts into words. Words that convey them all well anyway...

But nuff about that. Some updates from my side. Mr.Hubby told me he wants to change the schedule. Its time for something more balanced according to him. He would want to move to a two days each .. I would really love that! It's not decided yet. He has to talk to the other wives separately and see in what way he can make it work with everyone. I guess 1st and 2nd will still want some kind of arrangement in which the kids get to see him more often, for dinner at least for example.

Then... Mr.Hubby said its time to start planning for kids! He said he hopes I will be pregnant a year from now at the latest.. :) I'm really nervous thinking about it but at the same time so excited. I've been thinking about this for so long. Sometimes I felt like nothing really mattered and I should just have kids regardless of the situation. Other times I've felt like there was no way I could make it work. Its been good talking about it with Mr.Hubby.

I am quite tired at the moment and though there is much more to be said on the topics, I will really have to try and post more another time. Right now, I'm in need of some mental silence.

Cheers all.

Big Love airing again

HBO's Big Love season 4 has started and I am really happy about that. There is something about the show that always makes me re-think my own relationships with my sisterwives. I've said it before, but that is my main struggle. The sharing part, the jealousy, the secrecy..all of those aspects I've got pretty much under control. I wouldn't say I've got them fully under control. But definitely 80-90%. Once in a while the remaining 20-10% emerge and slap me in the face, and it hurts, but overall life is easy.

Now relationships with sisterwives.. not so easy. We go back and forth from not communicating, to being civil, to enjoying each others company, to enfuriating one another. But we never get to the level of close friendship. To a feeling of real familiarity, a real bond.

Even though the wives in Big Love have many issues with one another, the main thing that always stands out in the series is the fact that they belong to that one family. And as with any family there are fights, lies, and issues, but its still undeniably a family. We do not have that feeling with one another..

Sometimes I feel like that really isn't necessary either. Why should we be anything more than just civil? Do our lives really have to be so intertwined? But then sometimes, like now, I think well we really only have each other. There is nobody who knows what we go through. We should stick together, and truly let each other in into our hearts.

One needs a big arsenal of social skills in polygyny. And a lot of patience and forgiveness and humbleness. And I fail in all of those traits.

Funny

I actually hate twitter.. but this one was brought to my attention, its hilarious

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Name
Justin
Bio
I'm 29. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says

Some funny quotes:

"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

Mirror mirror on the wall...

I bet you are thinking this will be some really important post, explaining why I was gone for so long. I wish I could say something really interesting and wise and befitting someone spiritual, but I was mainly busy trying to wrap my mind around the whole Twilight mania. Yeah, sounds crazy. I know. But I am posting now, because I think I finally figured it out.

So what triggered my temporary OCD? I stumbled across the partial draft of Midnight Sun, and of course things like ‘leaked out to the internet’ and ‘unfinished’ caught my interest so I decided to read it. I was soon totally intrigued by the story and finished reading the draft in a day, feeling totally unsatisfied as I knew nothing about Twilight I had no idea what happened next so I set out to read the book and then watch the movie. Honestly I thought the story in Midnight Sun which is written from Edward’s perspective was way more interesting than the published one which is written from Bella’s perspective, but still that one was fascinating as well. So eventually I read all the books, watched the second movie as well which just came out and was desperately trying to figure out what about this story was so captivating.

If you are still blissfully unaware of the Twilight world, this post may make no sense at all, but I am too lazy to try and explain the plot. Mainly because explaining the plot really doesn’t explain anything, it just makes me sound more crazy for even typing this up.

For those of you that happen to know Twilight. I am interested in what you guys think of my theory.

Ok, so why does it seem to be so that all x-chrom population melts at this story? And I am by now a fan as well by the way. I mean it’s basically a book for teenagers, but the moms are avid readers as well, and even the girls/women in between these two groups love it.
I watched some interviews and clips on the net, of moms saying that it’s a book they approve of since it basically promotes abstinence and true love instead of the casual s.ex which seems to be the norm nowadays. And young girls are screaming ‘Edward’s just so hot’. Well, he’s not, he is a freakin vampire, they are dead cold. I think the moms are lying and I think the girls just have no idea what it is that’s so attractive about the story.

I think every single one of us x-chrom’s is just dying to be as important to someone as Bella is to both Edward and Jacob. I mean these are two abnormally strong, ridiculously handsome, young men who will die to be with her. Edward will deny his most basic and strong desires of thirst, he will risk his family, himself, because he simply can’t stay away from her. She is the center of his world, he obsesses about her constantly, and I mean constantly because the boy doesn’t sleep so he even watches her at night - is overly protective.
I’d say having an awesome guy act that way gives a woman the ultimate validation of her greatness. To have someone so amazing as Edward’s character marvel at ourselves, isn’t that like the ultimate rush? And then not just him. Jacob, the werewolf, the incredibly buff Native American, utterly loyal, and gorgeous, is just as Edward. He will go against his pack to protect her and be with her. Even when she chooses Edward..
And the moms with their ‘I like it because it advocates abstinence..” I mean, for real? They make love alright in the last book. He rips the headboard in order to channel the emotions. Surely that wasn’t a tiny bit interesting to moms? Not any of the moms sighed at this point and drifted away in their imagination wishing their husband had some of that passion to share?
Or the fact that both Jacob and Edward seem to carry Bella around for miles whenever she is tired or exhausted. Not one of those moms thought of how nice it would be if their husband had some of that strength and devotion for them?

So my point is.. I think these books just give the ultimate rush to us women. The male interests are just ideal. Strong, loyal, handsome, passionate, but at the same time just completely and unconditionally in love. I think every woman wants to be able to capture the mind, imagination and the heart of man to such an extent. Having that gives us our own proof that we really are incredibly amazing, as all of us secretly believe..
I am grateful to the books that they made me realize this. It's like I understand a part of me now, some part of a certain craving..

And I do like the fact that the books promote true unconditional love, marital s.ex, and loyalty. I like all of those things. But like the really absorbing thing is just the full devotion Edward and Jacob have for Bella I’d say. Thoughts? Anyone offended? I hope not. :)

Peanuts and time travel

Sometimes time flies.. and I notice I haven't written in weeks. I was sick for some days, stayed home in bed with fever and was feeling so weak that even getting up to get a glass of water seemed like an enormous effort. It made me think about how we tend to take our health for granted and how precious it is. It's a shame we don't realize how wonderful it is to be healthy when we feel well. Unimportant and insignificant things tend to occupy our mind and we start to believe life is hard..when it's really all peanuts.

So, about peanuts..4th..never emailed me again and never said a word about her feelings and all, and whatever. I am being polite and considerate where I would want others to be considerate with me and I hope God sees and approves.

I downloaded The Time Traveler's Wife some days ago and I loved it. That movie is absolutely wonderful. And hereby I am officially recommending it to the world. Great acting, wonderful script, awesome images.. It made me reflect on how much I actually love my loved ones and how grateful I am for having people in my life that love me. It really is a gift from God to have people in our life that love us. I even felt like giving my dad a hug and that’s a big thing. :)
So how are you doing?

I told you so

4th is doing much better..
and as I expected I am back on the list of people that are to be forgotten

We emailed back and forth after my initial reply to her message. The last communication was from my side; I sent her an email, just before she spoke with Mr.Hubby, telling her that we’ve all had moments in which we feel it is too much and that she should not think it is just her.
Mr.Hubby and her spent some evenings talking afterwards. And now she is all upbeat and laughing and hysterical and I haven’t heard from her since. She hasn’t bothered to email anymore or say anything concerning her feelings now or that she is doing better.. It’s like I do not exist.
First I thought that maybe she would reply after some days.. but nope, not a word.

Obviously this is something which I expected and I also expected that I would feel as I do now. However I am happy that I was not to blame for her wanting to leave, as I wouldn’t want to have to carry that burden. Also I am happy that I did not get sucked into investing more of my time and energy in this. I already feel like a fool now, I would have felt way worse had I really opened my arms to comfort her.

I keep reminding myself that it really doesn’t matter what she does or does not do, and that I should just busy myself with trying to be a good person in the best and most true way I am able to.

Boss Baby considers leaving

Yup, you read it right.. she sent out a message to all of us saying she is seriously considering leaving. Mr.Hubby already knew of her feelings, but I was really surprised, we all were.

Why she is considering leaving? I guess the short version would be that she can’t cope with all the problems that come with the territory. She grew up with the regular fairy tale image of happily ever after, one man one wife, everyone in her family seems to be very happy and joyful in their marriage, her newlywed sister being the main reason for feelings of envy I guess. She gets guys drooling all over her, making very nice proposals, so I guess that sense of gravitation towards a different life is pulling on her so much that she is considering stepping out. Her letter was quite emotional. She said she is sorry and ashamed for feeling this way, but she can't help it. And that she is so negative and angry and frustrated and just doesn't know what to do.

Mr.Hubby’s response is that he will support her in anything she decides to do. He is not making an effort to convince her to stay, not because he does not want her to, I think he truly does, but because he feels the decision should be hers 100%. So he did not get upset and said she needs to decide for herself..
I imagine that she actually wants him to react more emotionally and ask her not to leave, to get that reassurance that she is being loved and needed. And now that he is not giving her that, the decision to stay may be even harder. Mr.Hubby is aware of this, we talked about it, but he really does not want any blame on convincing her to remain married if it really isn’t something she chooses and chooses for the right reasons – e.g. faith, not him.

2nd and 1st were like ‘well she should sort it out herself’. I replied to the message and asked her whether any part of her feeling this way was due to the relationship between the two of us. She said that the main issue is her relationship with Mr.Hubby and just to some extent our relationship - the main problem being that she feels we do not share anything anymore, that the friendship is not there.

Well here I was presented with a dilemma on what to reply. Like a test of where I am with my faith. I guess as a really good believer, I would open up my arms and be that friend to her, comfort her, reassure her that Mr.Hubby loves her, let her share her pain to ease the burden of it..
But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And why? Because I am quite sure that once she figures things out and is all happy with Mr.Hubby again, she will forget all about me. I wrote her about my conflicted feelings on this and told her that I just feel like I can’t be that friend to her.

I was in a very low point in the beginning of her relationship with Mr.Hubby, not because of their relationship, but there was this sh!tload of problems I was dealing with, and her main concerns were whether she had enough time with Mr.Hubby, whether they went out to the movies, whether he came home on time. I was hoping for a friend and all I got from her were complaints, and accusations and jealosy.

I reminded her of that, and told her I do not want to leave her out in the cold like she left me, but that I do feel that maybe by letting her figure it out by herself she will learn something.

She answered that she does not agree and never has agreed about her letting me down as a friend, and that she did not feel like going into that topic. So she ended the letter by saying she will let me know once she makes her decision.

Mr.Hubby read the communication we exchanged and said that what I wrote was alright.. I am having mixed feelings. Should I feel more empathy for her? You see, I feel like she lacked empathy so much for all this time that right now I feel quite cold about her pain. I mean.. I feel bad about feeling so little. Any thoughts?

Open Mic

There's been different topics on my mind .. things I have wanted to write about but didn't. Like the fact that autumn is here once more and I am waiting for the colors to change and the world to enter into shades of wonderful yellow, deep red, brown, green and purple. I am excited about the amazing images which will be presented to me soon when I step outside my home.. There are certain memories from my childhood, moments, in which I felt so much awe for the beauty of nature, I did my best to imprint them in my brain. I remember seeing a star filled sky during a summer night when I was four or five and thinking I *have* to remember this forever. Or sunsets while coming back from school..incredible sunsets, filling the sky with colors in such a miraculous fashion, made me want to die on the spot.

But also I wanted to write and ask you about what it means be friends to someone? And whether men and women can be friends? Isn’t there some form attraction lurking in the corner always? And if you allow yourself to really love a male-friend, will that transform into love that’s different, not meant for friends?
Mr.Hubby says that's the case. He says that keeping a distance is necessary between men and women. Before I start sribbling down my own thoughts and ideas on this, I just wanted to ask what do you guys think?

Picture perfect

The last post raised some questions, and I have been thinking about what you asked - whether I'd prefer monogamy with Mr.Hubby if it were an option.. SoI tried to imagine my fairy tale life so to say..so I could give you an honest answer.

So here goes my picture perfect:

I’d be married to Mr.Hubby, and he’d be a ten year younger version of himself but absolutely with the same wisdoms, characteristics, personality (e.g. maturity level) which he has now.. I would have sisterwives which would truly be like sisters to me. I think I’d like to have two, and they’d be in about the same age range as I. We would be true friends and I’d love them as I love my own sister.

We’d all have kids, and none of the them would be older than four. Each one of the wives would take turns in running daycare for the kids. And once the kids would grow older we might chose to home school them.

We would live in adjacent homes, with a big communal living and kitchen so we could have our dinners together. We’d have two days with Mr.Hubby each, so everyone would be with him in the weekends eventually.

My day would look something like this: Getting the kids ready, if it were my turn to babysit, I would obviously be doing that until it were time to start preparing dinner. On other days I would start my day by going to the gym to keep everything nice and toned, then run errands, rest some (especially if it were my day with hubby so I would be refreshed when he came home), go to the salon to get properly waxed in all the necessary places, chat or meet with my sisterwives and other friends and family, prepare dinner, preferably together with another sisterwife.. I am still undecided whether I would like to cook, but I would definitely master the skill of making sweets and jummy cookies and all. So the kids would think I am such a cool mom and auntie and they’d sneak into my kitchen to steal something. I’d always pretend not to notice.
We would all have dinner together and it would be a big and messy but most importantly warm family. After dinner, the necessary cleaning and getting kids to bed, my evening would depend on whether Mr.Hubby were with me that day or not.

If it were my day:
With Mr.Hubby being away for some days, having him home again would make me look forward to it. I would make sure to take a short shower, and have the diligence to slip into something nice like a nightgown (instead of my shorts and stuff which I wear now). I would have rested during the day so there would be no tiredness bothering me..

I’d make it my personal objective to make Mr.Hubby loose himself fully and loudly under me.. I’d give him and myself the opportunity to rest for some hours after which I would ask him to kindly return the favor. After this there would be time to talk and reflect about whatever happened to be on our mind.

If it weren’t my day with him:
I would use the evenings for spiritual readings, contemplation, writing, painting, meeting with the sisterwife who was also by herself that day, in the weekends maybe arrange sleepovers for all the kids while me and the other sisterwife indulge in some delicious ice-cream all the while reassuring one another that we deserved it and that it wouldn’t ruin our thighs..

My family and friends would know about my lifestyle, and would learn to accept it. They would come over occasionally and sometimes my kids would go over to them and have sleepovers with their cousins.

I would feel safe and protected within my family unit, and we would be united by a bond of trust and love.

….

And I would maybe ask Mr.Hubby to make love to me a third time again..

….

Yeah. That’s my picture perfect.

And it really isn’t impossible to reach. I mean, I couldn’t have a Mr.Hubby be ten years younger, but let’s say I would be with a different man, spiritual and kind just as Mr.Hubby and two nice sisterwives. They are out there, I have met some of them..
But:
1.

Living this life, and then dying, would result in what? I mean, what would that mean for my spiritual development? Having nice sisterwives and a life which doesn’t confront me with anything within me, would result into what exactly?
2.

I am no way near this perfection myself. I am not as perfect towards Mr.Hubby nor towards my sisterwives as I would want to be. My own pride and pettiness hold me down. So instead of expecting them to change to my liking I might better try and change myself. Their change may follow naturally..

So this is why I say gems are hidden in all the problems. They are opportunities for me to learn to be that better person, the one which trusts, loves, shows kindness, and generosity, and humility to others..

The world on a silver platter

Why are all cab drivers here so nuts? First I wanted to believe it was all just a coincidence, but no..I can’t keep justifying.. they are way crazy...
We just came back from a mall – me and colleague – and took a cab. So the driver decides to share his vision of the country with us.

“You see, I tell you, this country, is all upside down. Here women are like bosses.... I am telling you now, I see many things here in these years… Everything is about women here! A man cheats, she will smack his head to break it now and its ok. But if a woman cheats, he may kiss her on the knees to beg her to forgive him that he found out! I am telling you..”
.

Me and my colleague are cracking up on the back seat

.

“It is true. Whenever women become bosses the country goes upside down. You see it here. Man has to wash the dishes while woman goes out with her friends! I see them here in the night. They are all wasted on the backseat. They shove the beer down their throat worse than men..”

Crazy…

Anyway; I am travelling for work now. It’s been an interesting time so far. From a professional perspective it’s been really good, and this has been the first trip for me without any of my local colleagues. I met the international ones here, but was basically by myself. Which I prefer because it gives more opportunity to be alone. Otherwise there are always too many social activities for which you kind of need to show up..

Now I met one of these international colleagues already on one of my previous trips. I did remember meeting him but didn’t know his name anymore. I guess during the last trip we just exchanged a few words, nothing special. Se here, he came up to me to say hi and still knew my name..( I thought that was really impressive, since you tend to meet so many people in these trips). We chatted a bit and that was that. I mean it was pleasant but really quite short.

.
One of the evenings, I came back to my room after a dinner with some customers and then saw a small bag there with my name on it. In it was just a souvenir from this guy’s home country (about 20 hours by plane from where I live!) and a simple note stating something like ‘a small gift from my country, enjoy” signed with his name.

.
So I sat on the bed thinking, now what does this gesture mean? I figured the best thing would be to send a message thanking for the gift, to be polite. It has happened before that some guy showed interest but always in such annoying ways. I really dislike it when you notice that a guy always walks up to talk to you when he spots you. At a certain point you just look for ways to stay out of sight. And then they try to make jokes and somehow ask questions to understand 1) if you are in a relationship and then 2) if its serious. It’s all always too obvious even when it’s meant to be hidden, and it’s just generally really annoying.

.
But this was different. This guy had always kept a professional, but kind attitude, and this gesture was not too intruding either. It was actually polite and respectful and that was nice.
I received a nice reply to my message, saying he hoped I liked it. I saw him during the day again and thanked him again for the souvenir. We chatted about some work-related things. I asked him at the end if he bought that souvenir here or if it was really from his home country, so he said ‘no really I brought it in my country’.

Now, that puzzled me. I am thinking that he had someone else in mind when he bought it, but that for some reason it didn’t work out and then he decided to give it to me. The other scenario could be that he really bought it with the intention to give it to me, but that just seems so unlikely.

We had dinner with a group of colleagues later in the week and he was there as well. It was a really nice evening, one of the more relaxed ones I have had so far. Usually you have to work quite hard to keep the conversation alive, but this evening was actually nice by itself. And during this dinner this colleague shared that he has a wife and kids and that then puzzled me even more.

I shared all of this with Mr.Hubby and he said that a lot of people cheat on these trips, with each other – this is true, I know a few colleagues who indeed did this. So Mr.Hubby says that he probably wanted to see if he had a chance with me. Mr.Hubby was by the way really relaxed about it. He said ‘Look at it this way, you’re still hot’.
LOL

But this whole thing made me think and gave me this feeling..a feeling that in front of me lies the option to chose a life of luxury and ease. A husband which you can present to the world, a life without hiding, without difficult sisterwives, a life with stability. And it’s there, for me to just chose and take. Such an odd feeling- like a sense of gravity that’s pulling my heart in that direction.

I sat in silence for a bit visualizing the real life in front of me. The life after this life, its endlessness and the choice which I am making for that life. And slowly the sense of gravitation towards all of this started to fade away.

Polygyny is a conscious choice. I guess like any marriage is a conscious choice sometimes. And maybe it would be better if it were a conscious choice every day. I will be going back home soon. New rounds of arguments, distrust and problems await, I am sure. But all of them give the opportunity for submission, humility, goodness, love, reconciliation. In all of them lie hidden gems. If I were only able to see these things while in the middle of things..

Society as our ultimate trap

Sometimes you have those days or moments when certain things click in your mind in a way in which they didn't click before. Like you knew them, but all of a sudden it seems someone turned on the light and now you really see it clearly.

I had a similar feeling about the way our modern society looks like. Things I may have written about before, but the absurdity of some things just really dawned on me.

I am sure that all the women reading this will agree that if you want to lose some weight you shouldn’t go to the grocery store while hungry. It’s best to go when you’ve just eaten because otherwise you will succumb to the temptation and just buy (and eventually eat) all kinds of junk. If you really want to lose weight and then keep that size it is best to eat plenty but healthy and to exercise of course.

Now it is so clear that we do not want to eat junk. We want to eat healthy food. We want to lose weight or maintain a certain weight. Yet so many of us keep falling back and eating junk or sweets or fat food. And when a new day comes a new intention is made and we try to overcome our weaknesses and keep our promise to ourselves.

I wrote earlier about the difference between men and women and I shared my thoughts on how men are much more s.exually oriented than women. I’d say you may compare a man’s s.exual needs to those of a big hungry lady..
Ok, I said it jokingly, but I think the principle applies. I think men are just hungry for s.ex, more so than women. In general of course, I know some women are different than others. I dare to bet though that in an average marriage the man is the one who usually wants to have more and is often left feeling frustrated.

Now we are living in a society in which monogamy is the norm. And all women are walking around half naked. Women compete in looking hot, and all over in all forms of media, s.ex and enticing things are thrown in our face, or are very easily accessible (like p0rn).
But men are supposed to be monogamous.
So they walk around like a big fat lady who is trying to diet. What happens.. she ends up eating fast food in her car secretly – she stuffs it all down her throat and then drives home feeling miserable and like a failure.
And men cheat, or in many cases even visit pr0stitutes or engage in strange and pe.rverse behavior or scoop around the internet in search of ever worse forms of p0rn. And then feel ashamed and depressed even just to repeat the same thing the next time..

If we assume that the devil knows our nature and our weaknesses, and maybe for some readers this will be too much religious stuff.. but if the devil knows our weaknesses, wouldn’t this society be exactly that which serves his need, namely to just destroy all the beauty which we have in us?

There are more thoughts in my mind, but just wanted to send this one out and see how you guys think about the subject.

Blue Skies and Sunshine

Mr.Hubby got us all away for the weekend.. and then he bailed just before we were about to leave.. lol.. so it ended up being a sisterwives weekend in a city a few hours away from where we live. I figured this was the time to mend everything and decided that whatever whoever said, it would not upset me and that I would be happy go merry for the whole weekend!

And I managed!

And it was a good trip!

Everyone just relaxed..

I kept babbling about nonsense stuff

Little Rebel was not making any trouble

And now all tension seems to have left

And Mr.Hubby has been issue-free for some days

Mr.Hubby wants to use the good energy to have a family talk in which we lay issues on the table and try to come up with some ideas for how to make things easier in the future. That will probably happen somewhere in the coming days, and I will try to update you all.

Besides this there is nothing very exciting to write. You know it seems that when everything goes smoothly, it doesn't even feel like I am in polygyny. Then its just life and there is nothing strange or difficult about it. So now I am thinking 'what should I write on this blog'? And it seems there is not much to say.

Maybe if things go really well that would mean I'd stop writing completely...?

The core of things

I just read a post on CM's blog, and this part triggered some thoughts..

Other women who are in polygamous marriages for religious reasons describe spiritual benefits. I can definitely see how polygamy would force a woman to stretch and grow spiritually as she tries to rid herself of the negative emotions and behaviors that are bound to arise. I am fairly certain everyone will concede that women have to develop charity, love, unselfishness, forgiveness, and many other saintly attributes in order to live polygamy successfully. I also can envision how this lifestyle would motivate a woman to turn to God often for His divine help, love, and understanding as she struggles with all that is involved in sharing a husband. However, I am not sure I consider these items real "benefits" but instead I consider them to be beneficial results from living a hard situation.

You see, I find the spiritual benefits really the only real benefits, in anything, whether it be polygyny or life in general.. what else is there?

Being unselfish, caring, forgiving, humble etc. isn’t that the best thing we all could aspire to? Sometimes I feel so sad that these values are not held in a high esteem any more. And I am not making a reference to CM here, as I know she is a wonderful person and does value these things in people. I am talking in general. I mean there used to be something as knighthood in which values such as chivalry, defending the weak and helpless and being generous were held in high esteem. Very few attained these values, but they were perceived as important and people who reached some of them were respected. Nowadays gaining material riches is the highest goal it seems.

I was taught in school that what distinguishes humans from animals is reason, the ability to think about oneself and reflect upon oneself. And I have come to disagree with this notion. A child predator has reason, a rapist has reason, all these people think, reflect, make very elaborate plans on how to achieve their objectives in a way in which no animal could, yet they are animals. They are animals because they are not humane.

It is our ability to be humane which truly makes us human.

And being humane is really hard. Its like our heart is pure humanity but its covered with weed of jealousy, envy, vain, greed and all the other bad characteristics.

And isn’t the best goal in life to get rid of those dirty things within ourselves and let that best of character which is in us to fully flourish? So we may all be like stars of goodness on this planet?

the rollercoaster

I was gone for work to a different country. Mr.Hubby and I kept in touch during that time, and I texted him when I was boarding the flight home, and when I landed. But it so happened that he hadn’t turned on his phone for two days.. he is not sure why he forgot about it. So he was oblivious to the fact that I landed.
I went home, went to bed, jetlagged, slept for six hours straight then all of a sudden he entered the room. All surprised to find me there, he blamed me for not making him aware of the fact that I was home. That resulted in an argument.

Then he figured 1st would be steaming by then since she wasn’t able to reach him for two days straight, he went away without resolving anything with me and had a major fight there.

The next day it was my turn and he came to me. I was really pissed off, but we talked about it and then all was fine again.

He decided to go over to 2nd’s home and stay the night there the next day. She still is not on the schedule so he goes there a few times a week. Since she is not on the schedule by her own request he planned on sleeping on the sofa in the living room, which totally upset her, and they spent that night and the next day in full blown arguments. 2nd called 4th up afterwards to pour her heart out about the pain she’s in and how she feels, resulting in 4th having an argument with Mr.Hubby on 2nd’s behalf two days later, adding to the argument some of her own issues.

Then again my night came, and due to some changes to the schedule 4th’s day was the next day and we have this agreement that breakfast time he’s at the wife’s home whose day it is. He was quite exhausted and slept in a bit and was I’d say half an hour later than usual, when 4th started ringing my doorbell continuously as a lunatic. Till I opened up in my pj’s asking what was the matter, I found a straight from the hood attitude in front me asking me if we forgot it was her day. I told her he is coming down now, at which she left in full fury. They ended up having this major fight, stuff was thrown around the home apparently, she fully lost it, and he fully lost it.

Afterwards 4th called 2nd to now return the favor and pour her heart out at which 2nd ended up having a fight with Mr.Hubby on 4th’s behalf, adding some of her own pain and problems to the table as well obviously.

So if anyone is wondering why it always takes me a while to post stuff it’s because there is always a lot going on and often I am exhausted. Because even if I am not present at all these arguments I get to talk about the issues with Mr.Hubby or with one of the other wives…

There is no particular reason why I decided to write this down. I think it’s important for you guys to know I am not forgetting about the blog, and I think it’s important for men wanting polygyny to know what the drawbacks are.

Bygones attack

You know the memories that keep popping up? Even when you agreed with yourself that you should just let bygones be bygones?
I get them sometimes, and they upset my mood. I am about to get to that week of the month in which my mood is not optimal anyway, and now some memories knock on my door, and before I can even really decide whether to let them in, they are already there in my face…staring at me...forcing me to stare back.

Like this one time; 4th invited to me over to her home, with Mr.Hubby. Her home back then was kinda small with the bedroom attached to the living room without a door, just a doorway. The atmosphere was fine, I sat on the floor, facing her bedroom, we were drinking tea. They were discussing something, I wasn’t part of the conversation, so I looked around the home and noticed next to her bed a bottle of massage oil, a hand wash bottle, folded underneath it a bedspread. And then I remembered Mr.Hubby telling me to buy a hand wash bottle to put olive oil in it to use during lovemaking, and me telling him no since it would just be odd to have such a thing in my bedroom with sisterwives and kids in my home regularly.
And then I felt my heart sink in, and I was thinking to myself what response to this situation would God be most pleased with. The folded bedspread was to prevent stains I figured.. and I sat there thinking why she left that in plain sight when she knew I was coming over?

And this other time when we were visiting her again, and she left the stuff out there more than once, anyway, Mr.Hubby kissed her goodbye in front of me, which not one of us ever does, and she just gave me this big smile and said goodbye as if it was our regular routine, I was a bit perplexed and silent and before we got into the car Mr.Hubby told me he had to go to 1st there was an emergency, and he left, without any kiss, and I am till this day quite sure that was a lie and that he eventually went back to 4th that day.

And there are other things that linger in the back of my head, pop up, I say I want to move on, and then they leave, just to come back some time later. Some of them are related to 4th others to the rest. They affect my mood. Bring some kind of dark cloud over me. Mr.Hubby always tells us we should leave the past in the past. I respect that because I see that he really does that. He never brings old things up, even if it really bothered him when it happened. I am not sure what would really make me let I rest for real.. any thoughts?

The pursuit of happiness and true goals

I have small eyes today. Very small eyes, and they burn as well.. I stayed up till way too late with Mr.Hubby, talking talking, and some love-making, and talking.. and so I slept little.

Talking with Mr.Hubby is the best.

I love it.

I’ll write down some stuff – all of it would be too much..

The most important thing for me was that we talked about the fact that I find life boring sometimes. There are things that interest me and make me happy, but overall I find it quite meaningless to wake up every day and work and run a household, and repeat a routine. I think that it might change when I become a mom, because being responsible for kids will make me want to face every new day, but the worst thing would be if I became a mom and I’d still experience a sense of purposelessness. I am really yearning for some spiritual nearness, something real.
Mr.Hubby said that I could be compared to Little Rebel if he were asking about what it means to be a dad. He’d think it means paying bills, or having a wife, or playing with kids, while the whole concept of carrying the responsibility of fatherhood is something which is too vague for him to grasp. Mr.Hubby said he thinks I have read a lot about spirituality so that my gaze is fixed on that horizon which makes me forget what I need to do to get there. I just keep staring to that distance and am oblivious to my inability to carry it.

I asked him what it was that I needed to focus on right now, and he said ‘being aware of God’s presence in your life at all times, in good and in bad. Being aware of His Will over all things.’ He said it’s such an easy thing to say, but a very difficult thing to practice and that not one of us can be granted any trusts until we prove we can carry His Will. Otherwise we are bound to make the same mistake the devil made when he was still in paradise and was unwilling to accept Adam. He opposed Devine Will in a split second, and that was enough to get him thrown out of Devine Presence to be cursed forever more. Now we oppose Devine Will all the time. So how can we be let into that Devine Presence in such a state…

Yeah… I am far away from servanthood.

But a lot of things click in my mind right now. Like people in nice suits and bright cufflinks that seem very respectable, but just become terrible while in traffic. So much anger and animosity comes from people in such small moments when another person behaves in a way that is unexpected or deemed wrong.. Yet we uphold this image of civilization, of good behavior. Even to ourselves.
And it makes sense why people can become monsters in monstrous situations, like those of war or when they are simply given the power or possibility to be in that way.

Mr.Hubby said that we are placed here on earth with a yearning for paradise, we are originally creatures of paradise, that is our home, not this life. Our souls have a deep yearning for it. And we sense that, we have a feeling of emptiness and longing here in this life. And since our reality is veiled to us and we do not remember our origins, we look around thinking ‘maybe having this or that will make me happy, maybe being married will make me happy, maybe being single will make me happy, maybe doing yoga will give me that inner peace’. We are in continuous search of fulfillment and it is not to be found in anything earthly. Not in a truly lasting way at least.

This life is more like a big cleaning exercise. All the weed growing around our hearts which is making us impure needs to be cut away. So that we may be deserving of our grants. And not be deceived like Adam and Eve were deceived to disobey just one simple order ‘not to eat from that tree’. All of paradise was available to them and was made lawful to them. All of it; and it must have been splendid. Just one, such simple rule, and they were bound to disobey it.

So we are put in hardships, sickness comes to us, people hurt us, we experience loss, tragedies, just to make us to bow down. And if we do not manage in this life, we are cleaned further in the grave, and then if needed during the Day of Resurrection, and then if still needed in Hell.

I am praying to get there in this life. But I keep getting upset about everything that happens which bothers me. I have moments in which I can brush everything off my shoulders and say ‘He knows best and I am happy’ and in those moments everything opens up and goes my way. However most of the time I just keep battling people and keep battling life. Keep getting upset about how everyone behaves..

I am hoping that by writing this down I will remember my goals better. Maybe read back once in a while as a reminder. So this piece of text is as much for myself as it is for you guys.