Jumper

Sorry for not posting for a while... I have been on a business trip which prevented me from connecting and writing down my thoughts. It’s been an incredibly busy week, but very interesting.

Few days back I was in the midst of a presentation, when all of a sudden it struck me that I felt so disconnected. You see, my co-workers know just a part of me, they know my professional self. And though they know me, they know so little about me. And sometimes this makes me feel like I am leading this schyzo life. If you ever saw the movie Jumper – that’s what I mean. I continuously have to jump from one life to the other, my professional life, to relatives life, to friends life, to polygyny life… and the differences are so huge. My family, me being 3rd, could not be further apart from the person I have to be in the workspace. And that sucks up so much energy.

I think it’s such a wonderful thing when someone is true and genuine with the people around them. But how can we do that if we have to keep secrets? Mr.Hubby always says we have our universal intrinsic values which we can share and live freely. But the schyzo life sometimes really gets to me.

A test of trustworthiness

I have been trying to deepen my understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, since I made the intention to try and be with others the way I wish for them to be with me.
Now some small thing happened and I still haven’t quite figured out what a true trustworthy person would do.. I had an appointment with Mr.Hubby for a cup of coffee not too far from 4th’s home - since it was her day and he was going to go there afterwards for dinner.

My talk with him is not the subject of this post but just to share: Mr.Hubby said that he was feeling very tired since it seems that when everything is fine with one wife he gets into a quarrel with the other, and then the cycle starts all over again with the four of us. He said that he felt like he was constantly busy extinguishing small fires instead of reaching certain long term goals, and he expressed the hope that we would finally commit to a life together as a true family, instead of our continuous small bickering... It was a tough conversation as I felt that lot of our problems have to do with his insensitivity in our affairs, but in general I do agree with him and do understand where he’s coming from. He just wants a loving and true family and some time to look forward..

After an hour we said goodbye and I went home and when I looked at my cell I saw two missed calls from 4th. So I called back and found her very cold and annoyed on the phone. She said that she just called to fix an appointment for the weekend – so we did – and then she asked if I left work just now, so I told her I was almost at home. Then we hung up. The words exchanged were little but to me they said a lot... She had tried to reach Mr.Hubby and found no answer, then she tried to reach me just to see if I would answer the phone. When I didn’t, she knew I was with him and got pissed. Then he called back to tell he was on his way and no doubt soon after I returned her call as well. And just to be sure she asked if I was leaving work… She did not share this with me, but I knew it.

I knew all of this already when I saw the two missed calls. I knew all of this in my heart and it made me pissed off to hear her annoyed and cold tone of voice. I was so busy with work these last weeks that he spent ample time with her on my days..so why bother if I sit for an hour and have a cup of coffee with him? Why not just be generous and be happy that I finally could?

While I was walking home I wondered what would a trustworthy person do? To honor my intention, what should I have done?

Values and Norms

I do not usually discuss news items on this blog, but this one really caught my attention…

“…she moved closer to the screen -- and got chills. Then one of her daughters screeched, ‘Mommy, that girl looks just like us!’ Kimberly's daughter was right: Every single child did look remarkably like hers. Then she heard the commentary: ‘Sperm Donor 401...German background...’ The seven women on screen were talking to the show's host about a man neither she nor they had ever met: the biological father of all their children.”
…
“The publicity from the morning show eventually caught the attention of even more parents with 401's progeny. A total of 19 got in touch with one another, including single women and lesbian and heterosexual couples.”

I just think it’s so strange how our society finds it acceptable that a man would donate his sperm and have kids all over the place, while the guy who actually decides to take care of his wives and children is deemed a criminal. It really doesn’t make any sense to me..
Also I wonder why women tend to think we are settling for less when living in a plural marriage, but would applaud the woman who decides to use a sperm donor..

Isn’t it just plain crazy?

Trustworthiness

I'm still struggling with the issue of real trust. Mr.Hubby told me to examine the root cause and maybe come up with a solution, but it’s such a puzzle. Basically my sisterwives and I get along fine. But we don’t have that true deep friendship and full trust.

Mr.Hubby doesn’t get why we don’t talk on the phone and enjoy each other’s company more often. For him of course it doesn’t make sense, since he gets along fine with all of us, and sees the good intentions and love. But these feelings are not there to that extent, between the three of us.

1st I admire loads. She’s truly amazing - a great wife, mother and believer. However I always seem to disappoint her. She feels that she doesn’t know on what grounds to build a rapport with me. I get that but how to change such a thing? I guess we might get to a good balance in our relationship eventually, but I am not sure what to do about it now.. Sometimes she feels I take too much distance, then I am trying too hard to be friends, all the while I am not really able to build a friendship in the way I am used to with other people.

2nd I trust quite a bit, in the sense that she really is the type of person who will wish the best for you and deny herself her own right to make you happy. This makes me deny my own rights for her, because I see she cares. We are completely different people though. I don’t think I would ever become friends with her if we weren’t connected through Mr.Hubby. Not because she’s not nice, but because she lives so differently, in everything – taste of clothing, music, food, in aspirations in life, in priorities etc. So I’m not inclined to call her on a daily basis to chit chat and I think she feels the same way towards me. So we try to connect and meet up – but I think we are far off from being really close.

With 4th I used be very close, and when she became 4th I hoped for some form of sisterhood in which we would wish for each other all the best, talk on the phone often, confide in each other etc. A close bond. But she became quite jealous of me though, would fight with Mr.Hubby because she felt she wasn’t treated equally, fight with him over more time, not ever be open and tell me her feelings. The whole thing changed completely and I was really surprised at that. I don’t know.. it made me draw back and let her be. I think she’s still fun to be with, but trust is something entirely different.

So now I have listed reason why I am not able to open up and trust. But I guess a good question is also - how can I change myself in order to be a person who others can trust? What makes someone trustworthy?

Missing him

I was watching a movie today, some really sweet story about a guy who falls in love with this girl and the feeling in the end turns out to be mutual. And I found myself feeling some sort of nostalgia, a sense of sadness for something which was but will not be again. That feeling of wanting something which is unknown, the excitement of meeting that person and keeping your feelings secret while they show clearly in your look and smile and posture.. then to realize exactly the same is the case with them.. and what a rush that gives. Two people standing in front of each other desiring with every cell in their body to come closer, but keeping their distance due to whatever reasons. Yeah, it made me feel nostalgic.

I think that is the best part of falling in love. The time before you declare yourself to one another, the time of unspoken desires. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder? What would Mr.Hubby think if I told him? Is it because I am missing him so much that I feel this way? I wish I could just call Mr.Hubby and tell him to get his butt over here for some passionate quality time.. but I can’t.

Maybe that’s the real cause for my nostalgia. My missing him. It's easy to think it all has to do with polygyny and having to share him is to blame for everything, and I think we women tend to do that way too quickly. But I wonder how many of the women in a monogamous marriage find themselves watching a movie and wishing they would have that passion in their life.

I might consider myself lucky for having that with Mr.Hubby even though our time together is little.. I just miss him.

One's worth

The past two weeks have been very hectic. I have been coming back home from work around 9 or 10 pm just to wake up at 6am again. And whoever thinks being in polygyny results in more time for one self is dead wrong, cause I've got the other wives and kids to think of. So this means I have to make time to talk on the phone and meet up if someone is feeling down or very up for that matter... the bottom line is I was irritable this last week, and now that I am writing this I see that I started out by explaining myself and the circumstances..

Circumstances which led me to go off at Mr.Hubby when he was with 4th. He called me up to see how I was doing and the conversation went well, till he mentioned that he had forgotten to call the landlord … that triggered this waterfall of frustrations in my head. I told him that I could have predicted he would forget about this, and that if he had called, it would have been a pleasant surprise more than a normality – which, I said, it should actually be. It’s all true though, he’s a mess when it comes to remembering things, even conversations or whose day or week it is. It sometimes makes for hilarious moments, like “3rd, we went to this movie last week right?” 2nd:”no that was with me..” – awkward silence

He replied by saying that it is all true and that he feels very bad about the fact that while I am so stressed he doesn’t chip in by being more reliable and organized. And that he is really going to do his best to focus more.. that he appreciates all I do and wishes he was a helping out more.

Not one single excuse for himself or blame towards me..

While he was talking I realized how wonderful it was of him that he took my criticism for his betterment and didn’t try to defend himself but was just there to listen and understand me. While I, even when I keep my mouth shut, usually think “yes but..” and that always shows. You can see when someone is genuine in their understanding of your pain and what they did wrong or when they are thinking about all the ways in which you have wronged them and how their behaviour was justified.

It made me realize what a special characteristic he has, and that I felt superior because I handle business better, while he really is the bigger man in things.

Once and for all

So I have been receiving loads of emails and people seem to be curious about who I am, where I am from, when I became 3rd, what my religion is...the 411

Ok, I decided to write and tell you about me, so when I get new requests in my mailbox I can forward the URL of this post.. (and be done with it) :)

First of why the secrecy?
For me to be truly honest and vulnerable - which is my aim - I have to feel secure enough about my anonymity…

I do live this life in secrecy and for now wish to keep it this way. People do not tend to approve of polygyny, I don't know who is reading this and what they will think of me - so the less I share in terms of details the better.

My sisterwives don't know I am writing this blog and since they have no chance to approve of it I feel I have to be careful not to spill their personal life on the web for everyone to read.

..

What is my faith?
I believe in God – in His Oneness and in His Devine Decree. For me it’s a fact that most His Prophets and Saints lived polygyny. I hope not to get involved in a religious debate with any of you reading this humble little blog. So for me, this is the core of things and I feel any labeling or categorizing is unnecessary. Faith in itself is something which resides in the heart, and I wish to keep mine there - hidden, safe and precious.
..
How Mr.Hubby and I met
Since we shared the same belief and I knew polygyny was part of this belief, and since we connected… we allowed for the connection to evolve. So I did not become religious because of him. He came after.
..
Why I felt this was right for me…
This is a topic for several posts actually. In the beginning I just felt that since it was the lifestyle of Prophets and most of their followers, it had to be better than monogamy - even though I did not really understand why or how. So one might say it was a leap of faith. Now I clearly see I benefit from being in this union. I am such a different and more grown person than I would have ever been in a monogamous marriage…
..
Would I recommend this for other women?
Yes, BUT – make sure you are entering for Him not for the one with the small h. Any man has flaws and in polygyny all his flaws will become supersized and thrown in your face, even on a daily basis. If he is somewhat of an egoist, you will see so much egoism in his dealings with you. It will drive you nuts. You have to be able to step aside and wonder what this situation is supposed to teach you and why. Otherwise you will find yourself wondering whether you are crazy for choosing to live this life. I sometimes still do, and that’s when my beliefs helps me through.
..
Do I feel guilty towards the other wives?
When they are hurting – yes. I wonder what I might have done differently to make it easier on them and to what extent it was my responsibility to make sure Mr.Hubby acted differently or more kindly towards them. In general however I feel happy and guilt free so to say, since there is really nothing about my relationship with Mr.Hubby to feel guilty for.
..
As for my age - I am close to 30… hmmmm, that number came way to soon.
And I have been a 3rd for about five years now!
No kids yet.
We each have our own house, we all work, my sisterwives are cool, we meet and chat often, we fight also...
and I guess the rest you can read on the blog!