Off-topic

I am out of town again for work.. :s and I had the opportunity to visit a spa here. Very beautiful old building with awesome hot baths. It's one of those places where men and women have separate area's, which I think is just perfect. I never go to places where men and women mix.. I feel watched and uncomfortable. An exclusive women's area gives me a sense of freedom and ease...

Well, it turned out some ladies felt way too free..

The young girls were decent, with bathing suits or bikini's. But the older ladies just had to fully express their sense of liberation I guess..

so there were absolutely liberatedto be admired all over. And every time one of them came towards me I felt all my toes curl up in absolute horror.

And while I came to the spa for relaxtion after a day of travel, I ended up just focusing on the distance between me and the "freedom fighters" and trying to anticipate what their next move would be. I try to be forgiving though, after all they are from the hippy generation.. you have to judge people in the correct context... :p

Water Philisophy

There is something incredibly calming about water. A river, lake or ocean always calms me down, makes me reflect and feel at ease. Some say it’s the sound, but I think it’s the silence. I spent yesterday eve at the beach. Not the type of beach where you go to take a tan, but the one where you spend your time walking on the shore, looking the vast ocean, and dreaming.

Its more than anything when an ocean is calm that I enjoy being there the most. I look at the vast and beautiful mass of water in front of me and its stillness and its hidden secrets seems to erase any worries, day-to-day struggles or thoughts I am holding. It’s as if it invites me to think about the future or the far past, about how everything is interconnected and always turns out fine, instead of limiting myself to merely the present state of things.

I imagine if it were a person it would speak to me and say something like: ...So many have poured their heart out in front of me in despair and pain, and each problem I've seen fade away with time... so just let them go.

People in general seem to connect to water, so I guess I am not alone in this. It touches our heart, our inner self. It's a place where we go to for meditation and for reflection.

I wonder why? Is it our resemblance?

Our soul, or inner self, is much like an ocean I guess. We are beings of flesh and blood, restrained by laws of physics, but what's inside, hidden within ourselves, is a mystery. We lack the means to express it. There is art, music, poetry, stories…but still who can really fully express their inner self? Even if we would truly want to? We are an ocean of emotions, thoughts, memories, desires… we might experience in seconds thousands of things at the same time. And what we communicate with the outer world are just bits and pieces of that inner reality.

It’s strange when you think about it. We have been created with such a handicap. We simply lack the ability to communicate our self. I am not just talking about our thoughts or feelings, but truly our self, the full package. Maybe that is what is really meant with the story of the Tower of Babylon. We are endlessly involved in miscommunication, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.

Squeaky wheels get greased

To update everyone on the situation - I just got a text from Mr.Hubby saying he misses me... I tried calling him and he called me back but we weren't able to reach each other a few times. We talked eventually but about daily things (since I am sucker at talking about feelings on the phone..) He did text me though - sweet words so we're good. Once we see each other we'll talk things through.

What new#3 and Cathy said in their comments about squeaky wheels getting greased is exactly what I want to talk to Mr.Hubby about. We have talked about this before so it's nothing new. I told him that I felt like complaining gets rewarded by him with attention. He said that it's true, but that he can't see through everything himself and that I should help him with that.

I have gone back and forth between just letting him manage things on his own and me minding my own business, and then to trying to demand the attention he lacks to provide due to problems he has with other wives.

The times I tried to get Mr.Hubby to see my side of the story - eventually you get down to complaining about what he or she is doing wrong - I hated it. Part of it is pride I have to admit. The thought of me busying myself with how much attention a man does or does not give me - or how much he does give someone else - just makes me feel so rebellious - I immediately think stuff like "I definitely have better things to do with my time.."

Because I know pride is involved with it, I did try to go against it, try to lower myself and reach out to him. But once your plea doesn't get heard you start the back and forth of communicating opinions and at the end of the day I feel like a loser... even if he heard me in the end.

Some things I can brush off my shoulder easily, then I see him doing his best to make it up to a sisterwife who has been complaining about the same thing, and in the process he forgets about me... It seems like such injustice, but I remind myself that eventually God is aware of everything and holds the balance. So there is really nothing to worry about.

I plan on telling Mr.Hubby this. That I will not pull his shirt each time he does something wrong, that I do feel his attention goes to those complaining, and that I will excercise in trusting God through this...so that he basically has to make sure he does justice to us all on his own.

The longing

I have been feeling low in the past days. Now it’s better mainly because I have managed to re-schedule my appointments and work from home today. It gives me peace of mind; I feel less submerged in some insane rat race and more of a normal person.

Mr.Hubby has been very busy the past weeks, he’s still having arguments with 1st, I have been busy with work, he forgot about me a bit which I didn’t mind till I noticed he did call 4th, that hurt me, and I got offended, decided that I wouldn’t contact him and let him call me instead, he noticed my distance, and didn’t like it, and now he doesn’t call me either. Nonsense, all stupid childish nonsense. But still I won’t pick up the phone and call him. It’s mental power play.. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t complicate my own life this way. Some people have real problems out there, and I am creating my own here. Maybe at the end of this “working day”, after I have thought it all through, it will all be better and I will find a way to overcome myself.

I read once that people stand in front of paradise and then turn away. I know God is watching me and He waits for me to go against my childishness and my arrogance and pride, and be humble in front of His Gaze.
That actually changes everything.. If I were in front of paradise now, how important could it all be actually? I would run through fire to get closer to Him then, so what’s a phone call?

I wish I had a direct line to God and He could answer my questions directly. Sometimes I feel like life is a huge puzzle, and the pieces just won’t fall into place. I wish I was a better believer. Someone who would give all of themselves to God, and accept His Will always, regardless of what it was. I wish I was someone who only wished good to others, wouldn’t feel jealous or offended, wasn’t stubborn, and arrogant, didn’t have stupid pride, and was always reminding of God and never objecting anything God ordained to happen. I wish God would take all my bad characteristics away and make me clean, spotless, and for me to be submerged in love of Him and His love of me, endlessly, forever.

Why does it have to take so long to progress?

Background

As promised I am posting the background story of our family, the general overview of course. It took a while to get it written, sorry for the absence...Some wondered how 1st was introduced with polygny and if that might be the real cause why she won’t share the same house with us, should we would move in together. I don’t think so since Mr.Hubby and her agreed on polygyny even before their marriage and she was the one to introduce 2nd. I do think she might not have realized what it was that she was accepting.

She was married with Mr.Hubby six years before 2nd entered and her entering was 1st's idea. The two of them were good friends and I guess 1st figured that she trusted 2nd, kids liked her, she was a great help around the house.. so if there were to be a 2nd why not her close friend.. Once the marriage happened it turned out harder than expected. I wasn’t around then so I know this form what Mr.Hubby, 1st and 2nd have told me. My conclusion is that it was hard for 1st to realize 2nd was forming an intimate relationship with Mr.Hubby. Before it had always been through 1st. But all of a sudden 2nd and Mr.Hubby had something between the two of them.. and the relationship between 1st and 2nd changed from 2nd being solely a friend to 1st, to being another wife - and thus having needs and demands of her own. So they struggled, sometimes they would be close, other times they would not talk to each other.

I came in through Mr.Hubby some five years after. I met Mr.Hubby and we felt a connection very quickly. We used to talk on the phone a lot for half a year or so, and we met some times as well though in company of others. Once we were both sure about what we felt, he told 1st and 2nd about me. They agreed after meeting me. But once the fact was there, they felt he was spending too much time with me, that I was not being open, that they couldn't trust me. I guess that was true, though they had a bond between them before becoming sisterwives so - to my defense - I couldn't copy that. And I didn't know how to be open with two women whose husband I was sharing, while it was obvious that it hurt them a lot.. They ended up becoming very close again due to their shared pain of me becoming 3rd. I felt overwhelmed at times due to all the emotional outbursts on the phone, at my home, at their home... I was thinking to myself - if it is causing them so much grief how in the world can it be right?

Mr.Hubby was committed to make it work for all of us. He spent a lot of time explaining to me how they felt and why in order to make it easier for me to relate to them. Because of this, when I would meet with them I could let them know I understood their pain and was willing to do my best to make this situation work. After some two years of true emotional roller-coaster rides they found a way to believe me and trust me, at least to some extent. And we were able to start and build a relationship and even do fun stuff together.

4th was a close friend of mine and much like with *c* she formed a relationship with Mr.Hubby by herself without me being in the loop. I saw it and felt it, but I didn't want to pry, so I waited till they decided to tell me themselves. It hurt.. it really did. Sometimes I felt treated like a fool. Sometimes it was so obvious they had met each other that I felt it was insulting - as if I were some idiot who would not see through their lies.
Mr.Hubby took me out to lunch one day and with a very long introduction told me that they were interested in each other. My heart sank – but I was relieved at the same time. It sank because my suspicions were true, and it was relieved because he finally decided to tell the truth. I was happy for 4th and sad for myself. Because I knew things would change from now on. I decided to call her up and meet with her. We did, and I told her that it was hard on me, but I did feel happy for her, and that I did hope she would feel happy with Mr.Hubby and with us.

However on 1st and 2nd this was way too hard and it came very unexpectedly. 1st felt that it had been enough by now. She wondered why 4th had to enter, why Mr.Hubby didn’t spend his time on his families, instead of building another one. She saw her time diminish even more. They went through major arguments, and I felt sad for 4th to see her in the middle of all of this, just the way I was in the beginning. I assured her to keep her head cool and show 1st and 2nd her good intentions and that I was here to support her. It worked. They accepted her, even though both of them continued to have objections if Mr.Hubby was, according to them, meeting her too often or spending too much time with her.

What hurt me most however was that 4th turned out to be less accepting of me, than I was of her. While I was offering her my support she was complaining to Mr.Hubby if he was spending time with me, she would come to my home even and argue with him. That came out of the blue for me. I really thought we would become close sisters and friends and wish each other the best. Now things are better, but it took a lot of arguing and talks with Mr.Hubby for 4th to understand she was doing wrong.

Through all of this, as I said in the previous post 1st has always felt misunderstood by us. We enter and are happy to accept this life, don’t mind a lot, when Mr.Hubby comes to our home we are happy to see him, not realizing 1st is missing him greatly. She sees how oblivious we are to her pain in every little thing we do and it frustrates her . She doesn’t believe we will ever get her, and that living together would mean she’d have to sacrifice too much of herself in order to make it work..

Failure

1st decided she doesn't want to share a home with us... I am sad.

She feels she would be giving up too much of herself. It's not the same with just the three of us, so I am bummed. It s*cks. I could write about whose fault it is, but I would probably blame everybody else but me, and that would be unfair.

I struggle with being honest here.
I try to find the right balance between not misrepresenting the people I love – my view is a one-sided view, not disclosing personal stuff of the people around me since it would be without their consent, being true, and protecting my identity… If I end up writing all the details, and my sisterwives stumble upon this blog...I wouldn’t feel too happy and they wouldn’t neither.

But to tell you my feelings. I feel like it’s a failure that she is not on board. Our failure, not hers. We didn’t manage to make her trust us, to be trustworthy. She struggles with us a lot. She always tells us we have no idea what she sacrifices and how much effort she puts in, in comparison to us. And I think it’s true. I accept the fact that it must be way harder on her after being alone with Mr.Hubby for years and us popping in one after the other with our happy clue-less attitude. But - I do not really get it. Not really. It’s a reality I haven’t lived – so I can only imagine, not understand. And even though she knows she can’t blame us, she doesn’t feel we can truly be close and share everything..

When I first saw Big Love on TV I was amazed at the amount of warmth and acceptance from Barb towards all the silly, disrespecting and sometimes even mean behavior from the other wives. I couldn’t imagine this to be true. But then again, it may be difference of character. 1st always speaks from the heart and when something hurts her, she will lay all her feelings and pain on the table and confront you with it. She will say “how can you do this?” “don’t you see I am in this situation?” “how can you be so inconsiderate?” And though we see she is right, we fail each time again, simply because we don’t live her life and do not perceive every situation from the historic reference that she does.

So now she said – I can’t be on board here. And I can’t blame her. I can blame us. Maybe I should not say “us”, just say “me”. But it’s not just me. Too much stupid stuff comes from 2nd and 4th as well. And if I would really be candid I’d say that more stupid stuff comes from them.. but at the same time I ask all internet: don’t believe what I say, I’m sure they would have their own version of the story to tell.

Late night reflections

It's quite late at night and I could not sleep because of the mosquitoes and because of how hot is was.. I decided to get up and take the time for prayer and reflection. And while I was sitting and meditating a storm broke loose.

What a sensation to be meditating with windows wide open and the sound of the rain and the thunder outside. I felt so at peace and at the same time so energetic. I was reflecting on everything that had happened the day before, asking God to guide me in every step and protect me from any type of negative feelings I have. And with every such thought I felt myself becoming more and more – what word would best describe it – healed…it was so soothing. Just wonderful..

We do such injustice to God. I forget about Him throughout the day, complain about this or that and forget to ask Him for help. Then I turn to Him just once and He lifts me up regardless of my forgetfulness of Him and all my ungratefulness. If it were a relationship between two people I would be the incredibly egoistic and self-oriented one, and not one person would endure me. But He is always there.
I feel bad for ever complaining about how people treat me, when I show Him so little love, affection and care. We should love God, He loves back. Instead of asking love from people around us..

He might even love us through the people around us.

It’s still raining.

I love the sound of the rain.