I am so right

I am so right.. she's so wrong.. that's what was going through my mind yesterday when I had a fight with one of the co-wives. I am right, because I was a friend to her and she let me down when I needed her and she is not even willing to apologize.. Friends left the building and friendly just made her entrance!

But I was talking to Mr.Hubby today about the whole situation and he got me thinking. He said: "Who would have ever thought you would be in this position? Becoming religious, becoming 3rd? Who would have thought you would chose that? It's a miracle in itself. And the Lord is happy when He sees you trying to struggle for His sake. He is commanding our environment, the people around us. He is controlling the other sister-wife. He is putting you in this situation to see whether you will let your ego resolve the situation or whether you will let you heart deal with it."

Hmm... hard ... still I am right - definitely!
What about justice? If I do not get angry with her now, will she not forget about me in the future as well? If she doesn't get the picture will there be any progress ever?

"Will she understand if you attack her and demand an apology? Or will she bow down and feel resentment instead?"

Sigh - my ego is looking out of the window stubbornly. I guess Mr.Hubby is right.

Plan less do more

I have to confess a small sin.. I have been soooo lazy the past few days, I have been postponing stuff that needs to be done, laying around, watching TV (I mean for hours.. stuff that's not even interesting, ending up with a headache at the end of the day). It’s ridiculous!

Somehow I stumbled upon a newspaper clipping related to people who never tend to get things done (why, how to overcome..) And the thing that really resonated was that people who tend to take upon themselves too many things become overwhelmed by their own list of to do’s which results in them giving up. And this is so true for me. Somewhere in my mind I have this idea that I should go to the gym, take a sewing class, do some reading, clean the house, cook for the rest of the week, do my paperwork, plan my vacation, save money.. eventually I don't do anything.

SO
Today I cleaned the most important things at home and did my paperwork. And my next thing will be enrolling in some gym. And that’s it! I am not doing any other unnecessary thinking or planning or wishing.

:)

To trust

Last week I had a bit of a struggle with the fourth, I felt like she was trying to disturb my quality time with hubby by bringing up an old argument. She claims she had no idea he was at my house at that time but I find it hard to believe. I think she actually does not even know that it was jealousy more than a pure wish to solve an old problem. I can not be sure I am right, however I still find it hard to believe I was wrong..

And the only reason I feel so strongly I was right is because I have been there myself. Jealousy and pain creep up in your heart and even though you try to contain them, they spill, dripping out in small vicious streams. You think you are being nice and caring but actually it is nothing more than disguised criticism.

It was just a small thing which happened and I am not angry at all, but it did make me think about trust. Something which has to be there, if we are to take upon ourselves such a big task as sharing the same house, and which is obviously lacking. Mr. Hubby always says we have to make a decision and stick by it, but obviously he is a man. He never feels the emotional pressure building up in his heart which makes you feel like you're about to explode. And you try with all your might to stick to whatever you decided but you just can't.

Trust is hard, trust is a verb, it is something in the present tense and in the future tense at the same time. It involves knowing oneself, it involves commitment.
It involves fighting yourself..

Calm

What a beautiful day..sunny and calm. I am alone at home..outside life is passing by and I am just observing. Beautiful..

Cross-Roads

We are now at cross-roads considering to move in the same house together. I am really wondering whether we will manage or not. None of us have been born into polygyny so we have no examples of how to deal with everything that comes our way. Not being able to retire into our own homes might prove to be a real challenge. Also I wonder how it will be to see our husband at home. So far we have never acted affectionate towards him in front of each other..but that just must change once we live together.
It's gonna be a great task. I just hope God is supporting us in this one.

What is true love?

It’s sometimes quite hard to figure out what true love and a real spiritual relationship are about..

Today I spent the day with a girlfriend - happily married, not religious, surely not polygamous, and blissfully unaware of my chosen way of life. She has a great marriage, as far as I can judge. Her husband is responsible, good-hearted and loves the fact that he is a father. Basically to me they seem the perfect family.

I think any woman would like to spend her life in that way. With a loving and nurturing family, in which the husband/father plays an important role. However I see that the way God prescribes us to live is quite different. A father/husband is more of a leader of the household. He has to allocate time between different families, so as a wife or mother you are often left relying on yourself or on the other wives.

At the same time it’s clear to me that in this solitude you learn to rely on God more, which just deepens your relationship with Him. Or at least it’s supposed to work like that. Often the material life just takes over and it’s hard to keep in mind what we are getting in return from our Lord and how precious that is. Then what we are missing right now, is the only thing that matters.

God loves the broken-hearted

In hard times I always wonder why this suffering is needed. Not to over-dramatize, since so many people deal with real pain, the pain of losing beloved ones, of living in poverty, of opression and so on that one feels shy to claim that one's own life is tough.. but it sometimes does feel very much so. And when it does, I start to ask myself the ancient question 'why'?

A small insight occured to me today. And that is that every growth is painful. I think every woman while giving birth is inclined to think why the suffering is needed, but once the baby is born, the pain which she suffered becomes irrelevant. I think that most people who have expereinced personal growth and achieved wisdoms have done so due to suffering they had to deal with during their life. So I guess the one does not come without the other, and one should be happy with it...

A person once told me "God loves the broken-hearted". Just now I start to realize what it means.