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I'm still struggling with the issue of real trust. Mr.Hubby told me to examine the root cause and maybe come up with a solution, but it’s such a puzzle. Basically my sisterwives and I get along fine. But we don’t have that true deep friendship and full trust.
Mr.Hubby doesn’t get why we don’t talk on the phone and enjoy each other’s company more often. For him of course it doesn’t make sense, since he gets along fine with all of us, and sees the good intentions and love. But these feelings are not there to that extent, between the three of us.
1st I admire loads. She’s truly amazing - a great wife, mother and believer. However I always seem to disappoint her. She feels that she doesn’t know on what grounds to build a rapport with me. I get that but how to change such a thing? I guess we might get to a good balance in our relationship eventually, but I am not sure what to do about it now.. Sometimes she feels I take too much distance, then I am trying too hard to be friends, all the while I am not really able to build a friendship in the way I am used to with other people.
2nd I trust quite a bit, in the sense that she really is the type of person who will wish the best for you and deny herself her own right to make you happy. This makes me deny my own rights for her, because I see she cares. We are completely different people though. I don’t think I would ever become friends with her if we weren’t connected through Mr.Hubby. Not because she’s not nice, but because she lives so differently, in everything – taste of clothing, music, food, in aspirations in life, in priorities etc. So I’m not inclined to call her on a daily basis to chit chat and I think she feels the same way towards me. So we try to connect and meet up – but I think we are far off from being really close.
With 4th I used be very close, and when she became 4th I hoped for some form of sisterhood in which we would wish for each other all the best, talk on the phone often, confide in each other etc. A close bond. But she became quite jealous of me though, would fight with Mr.Hubby because she felt she wasn’t treated equally, fight with him over more time, not ever be open and tell me her feelings. The whole thing changed completely and I was really surprised at that. I don’t know.. it made me draw back and let her be. I think she’s still fun to be with, but trust is something entirely different.
So now I have listed reason why I am not able to open up and trust. But I guess a good question is also - how can I change myself in order to be a person who others can trust? What makes someone trustworthy?
Mr.Hubby doesn’t get why we don’t talk on the phone and enjoy each other’s company more often. For him of course it doesn’t make sense, since he gets along fine with all of us, and sees the good intentions and love. But these feelings are not there to that extent, between the three of us.
1st I admire loads. She’s truly amazing - a great wife, mother and believer. However I always seem to disappoint her. She feels that she doesn’t know on what grounds to build a rapport with me. I get that but how to change such a thing? I guess we might get to a good balance in our relationship eventually, but I am not sure what to do about it now.. Sometimes she feels I take too much distance, then I am trying too hard to be friends, all the while I am not really able to build a friendship in the way I am used to with other people.
2nd I trust quite a bit, in the sense that she really is the type of person who will wish the best for you and deny herself her own right to make you happy. This makes me deny my own rights for her, because I see she cares. We are completely different people though. I don’t think I would ever become friends with her if we weren’t connected through Mr.Hubby. Not because she’s not nice, but because she lives so differently, in everything – taste of clothing, music, food, in aspirations in life, in priorities etc. So I’m not inclined to call her on a daily basis to chit chat and I think she feels the same way towards me. So we try to connect and meet up – but I think we are far off from being really close.
With 4th I used be very close, and when she became 4th I hoped for some form of sisterhood in which we would wish for each other all the best, talk on the phone often, confide in each other etc. A close bond. But she became quite jealous of me though, would fight with Mr.Hubby because she felt she wasn’t treated equally, fight with him over more time, not ever be open and tell me her feelings. The whole thing changed completely and I was really surprised at that. I don’t know.. it made me draw back and let her be. I think she’s still fun to be with, but trust is something entirely different.
So now I have listed reason why I am not able to open up and trust. But I guess a good question is also - how can I change myself in order to be a person who others can trust? What makes someone trustworthy?
10 comments:
that is a really good question. I wonder the same things. I mean I trust CW to an extent but I am always afraid she is going to turn around and tell on me...not that I do anything worthy of telling but do you understand? I like her and I want to build a friendship and some days I see us doing really well but then there are other days where I just miss the boat and don't get it......I feel like she wants a friendship with me for the sake of Allah and for hubby but it is really hard for her and that bothers me alot. She says we are the same family but then she turns around and its like I do not exist....if I do not call her we would never talk...Sometimes I feel like giving up on the whole idea of family and friendship but then I can never give up....I must keep trying to build something together....
trust is a big issue, especially amongst "sister-wives". Sometimes even a slight hint of dishonesty can put flags up. What has to be realized now, is that this is family, and although you don't have to be best buddies, it helps, and it also is a benefit for the family. Trust is seems easy to gain, and hard to re-build.
Men also fail to realize that women are very intricate, delicate, fickle creatures. Sometimes they may push for something, that we aren't ready to do, and most women will rush to please their husbands.
Take people for face value, deal with them accordingly until a situation arises, and shows you otherwise, until then be kind :)
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Hi 3rd,
I'm going to put my 2cents into the slot.
Trusting is a process, not a virtue.
It's part of getting to know others and it isn't either all or none. A sign of good boundaries and development is that you don't rush to give it, or not give it at all. This is something that others can't force from the outside. You really need to trust yourself with this one. Hubby my have his wishes and they may all come from a good place within him, but I really think you should listen to yourself on this one.
Listen with your heart and don't try to speed things up for him. You're are sensing some blocks and that is normal and healthy. Keep sensing and pace yourself as to how much you want to stand still, approach, or step back. I think you need to give yourself major credit.
This isn't about an outcome that is satisfactory in Hubby's eyes, rather a process that you put your best and righteous efforts towards.
Good luck. Keep posting!!
Lady Nomadica
I tend to trust everyone until they prove they shouldn't be trusted.
I agree with how Wikipedia defines "trustworthiness"...
Trustworthiness is a moral value considered to be a virtue. A trustworthy person is someone in whom we can place our trust and rest assured that the trust will not be betrayed. A person can prove his trustworthiness by fulfilling an assigned responsibility - and as an extension of that, to not let down our expectations. The responsibility can be either material, such as delivering a mail package on time, or it can be a non-material such as keeping an important secret to himself. A trustworthy person is someone that we can put our worries and secrets into and know they wont come out In order for one to trust another, their worth and integrity must be constantly proven over time.
I agree totally with Lady Nomadica. Like I mentioned I tend to trust readily without given precedence to how my gut feels. My husband keeps telling me about doing this Alhamdulillah (Praise and Thanks to God) now I will listen.
I'll leave the issue of trusting others alone..Everyone has the right answer for themselves.
There is only one right answer for become a trust worthy person ourselves. Be Trust Worthy.
Be honest, Be selfless, Be giving,
Be true to oneself. Offer no harm to others.
Easier said than done, but if you are truly trying, than people will see it.
Being able to trust another to whom I care for comes so easily and MANY times it leaves me so vulnerable. No matter how much I am telling myself that I am fine if CW does not want to deal with me then I am okay with it..knowing that I am truly not okay with it..
In all I hope that you are able to come to some sort of a conclusion.
All your posts were really valuable..
Big thanks to Lady Nomadica for putting her two cents into the slot :)
And I agree totally with Dee and Elijah Sue that we should try and be trustworthy ourselves before demanding anything of that kind from others.
I actually am inclined to be just like faceless niqabi, trusting everyone, untill proven wrong. But once proven wrong, I find it very hard to get back to my open and trusting self. It's not as if I hold a grudge, but I do not totally get over it either... it's a process as Lady Nomadica said. I have to keep working on it.
I can't say it better than these elequent ladies have. Be trustworthy to them and in time you'll get it back insha'llah and if not at let you get the reward big time.
I am not in a polygamist relationship, but my husband husband would like to be, when he can find the right woman to join our family. However, I have read over and over again that trust becomes a real issue in polygamist families where each wife has her own home rather than everybody living in the same house. With each wife having their own home, it keeps the "this is mine, that's yours" mentality going, which feeds the jealousy issues. Since my husband is actively seeking a sisterwife for our family, I am trying to be sure I am as educated and prepared for the situation as possible. Anyone have any input?
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