The tricks of the accursed

Sometimes, when I am hurt, this weird negativity creeps up in my head. You know.. you start thinking the other person doesn’t care. You see images in your head of you being caring, and the other one leaving you out in the cold by yourself - drama.
So you decide to shut yourself off, go your own way... That is my built in mechanism anyway when things go wrong - taking distance.

And there is this thing which always helps me calm down and look at things from a different perspective, and that is the story of Adam and Eve. Weird? Let me explain. I just wanted to post my insights here and see what you guys think.

As you all know Adam and Eve were in Eden, blissful with absolute freedom and happiness – with just a very simple rule “do not touch that one tree”. Now paradise must have been awesome, vast, exciting, and great, so such a simple rule should have been a piece of cake. But still somehow they disobeyed…

They did that out of fear and out of a lack of trust. The devil convinced Eve that God hadn’t told them why they weren’t allowed to eat from the tree because by eating from it they would gain eternity. And without it they would be mortals and eventually die. To scare Eve further he showed her the horrors of their decaying bodies.

Such a simple and straightforward story, but just think about it: the devil convinced them that by listening to him they would attain exactly that which in reality they would lose.. and what they got instead is exactly that which he scared them with!

Isn’t that deep? Every time I get this urge to think negatively because I imagine other people being cruel I try to remember this – and remember that the devil is always out to trick us. I try my best to overcome myself and reach out and be honest about my feelings, instead of taking distance, as that way I definitely risk ending up alone and sad..

Any thoughts?

Defined by numbers

Today I spent some time reading through different blogs, mainly the ones dealing with plural marriages. And it made me wonder why I am actually making myself be defined by the fact that I am in a polygynous marriage?

Shouldn’t I just decide to be a lady instead of 3rdlady? 3rd might be a fact but not a defining fact.


What is our defining fact?


At work I ask all the female colleagues I meet how they would feel about being a stay at home mom and all of them say they could never do it. And when I ask why they answer: I think I would become so dull, I would go nuts, what would I do with my time? To put it in other words: who would I actually be? They are defined by their work. If someone asks them who they are, they will tell them what kind of job they do. And isn’t that kind of sad?!

Or is just the way we are made, and am I spending time thinking about irrelevant stuff?

I am so right

I am so right.. she's so wrong.. that's what was going through my mind yesterday when I had a fight with one of the co-wives. I am right, because I was a friend to her and she let me down when I needed her and she is not even willing to apologize.. Friends left the building and friendly just made her entrance!

But I was talking to Mr.Hubby today about the whole situation and he got me thinking. He said: "Who would have ever thought you would be in this position? Becoming religious, becoming 3rd? Who would have thought you would chose that? It's a miracle in itself. And the Lord is happy when He sees you trying to struggle for His sake. He is commanding our environment, the people around us. He is controlling the other sister-wife. He is putting you in this situation to see whether you will let your ego resolve the situation or whether you will let you heart deal with it."

Hmm... hard ... still I am right - definitely!
What about justice? If I do not get angry with her now, will she not forget about me in the future as well? If she doesn't get the picture will there be any progress ever?

"Will she understand if you attack her and demand an apology? Or will she bow down and feel resentment instead?"

Sigh - my ego is looking out of the window stubbornly. I guess Mr.Hubby is right.

Plan less do more

I have to confess a small sin.. I have been soooo lazy the past few days, I have been postponing stuff that needs to be done, laying around, watching TV (I mean for hours.. stuff that's not even interesting, ending up with a headache at the end of the day). It’s ridiculous!

Somehow I stumbled upon a newspaper clipping related to people who never tend to get things done (why, how to overcome..) And the thing that really resonated was that people who tend to take upon themselves too many things become overwhelmed by their own list of to do’s which results in them giving up. And this is so true for me. Somewhere in my mind I have this idea that I should go to the gym, take a sewing class, do some reading, clean the house, cook for the rest of the week, do my paperwork, plan my vacation, save money.. eventually I don't do anything.

SO
Today I cleaned the most important things at home and did my paperwork. And my next thing will be enrolling in some gym. And that’s it! I am not doing any other unnecessary thinking or planning or wishing.

:)

To trust

Last week I had a bit of a struggle with the fourth, I felt like she was trying to disturb my quality time with hubby by bringing up an old argument. She claims she had no idea he was at my house at that time but I find it hard to believe. I think she actually does not even know that it was jealousy more than a pure wish to solve an old problem. I can not be sure I am right, however I still find it hard to believe I was wrong..

And the only reason I feel so strongly I was right is because I have been there myself. Jealousy and pain creep up in your heart and even though you try to contain them, they spill, dripping out in small vicious streams. You think you are being nice and caring but actually it is nothing more than disguised criticism.

It was just a small thing which happened and I am not angry at all, but it did make me think about trust. Something which has to be there, if we are to take upon ourselves such a big task as sharing the same house, and which is obviously lacking. Mr. Hubby always says we have to make a decision and stick by it, but obviously he is a man. He never feels the emotional pressure building up in his heart which makes you feel like you're about to explode. And you try with all your might to stick to whatever you decided but you just can't.

Trust is hard, trust is a verb, it is something in the present tense and in the future tense at the same time. It involves knowing oneself, it involves commitment.
It involves fighting yourself..

Calm

What a beautiful day..sunny and calm. I am alone at home..outside life is passing by and I am just observing. Beautiful..

Cross-Roads

We are now at cross-roads considering to move in the same house together. I am really wondering whether we will manage or not. None of us have been born into polygyny so we have no examples of how to deal with everything that comes our way. Not being able to retire into our own homes might prove to be a real challenge. Also I wonder how it will be to see our husband at home. So far we have never acted affectionate towards him in front of each other..but that just must change once we live together.
It's gonna be a great task. I just hope God is supporting us in this one.