Dear 3rd, my husband wants another woman, should I agree to it?

It's been ages since I have written on this blog. Every now and then - maybe a few times a year - I open up my mailbox just out of curiosity. Interestingly enough people still email me regularly. They ask for advice or sometimes want me to be part of some television show on polygamy. (Sorry tv-folks; not going to happen.)

A question I have received often comes from women who are asking for advice whether or not they should agree to their husband taking on another wife. I am sure many women point blank refuse such a thought from their husband. The ones that email me are usually struggling, they are not sure whether to be open to the idea or not.

So if you are in this situation - and you are wondering what to do - I have no clear cut answer, but the only thing I can do is give you some ideas to consider.

Usually the women see certain benefits in the arrangement.

_ someone to help out around the house and with the kids

sounds appealing right?...someone to help out with the task of taking care of the household, bringing kids to soccer practice, cleaning up some of the mess

_ someone to be friends with and confide in

wouldn't it be great to have someone who completely agrees that your husband is being insensitive and helps you fight some of the battles you have with him, so he will end up more considerate?

_someone who keeps the husband satisfied se.xually

after years of marriage some women don't have the energy to be as physically intimate with their husbands as they were in the beginning, to an extent they like the thought of someone else taking some of this pressure off of them

Now, I can see all these points, and I am sure there are polygynous relationships in which the women actually experience these benefits. But there is a big thing missing in these considerations...
What will the second wife want out of the arrangement?
And what will the husband want out of the arrangement?

Before making a decision you have to consider the second wife's point of view.
She probably doesn't feel like she has been put on earth to make your life easier and unburden you. And no matter how selfless an act you are performing by allowing her to step into your relationship with your husband, she will want a relationship of her own with him. She will want to be treated as an equal, and not as someone who is there to give you and your husband room to breathe.

This is a basic human need, and as a woman you should respect that.

Once you allow her in, you will have to SHARE. If you are ok with that, if you are ok with making arrangements during the holidays on who gets quality time with him when, who gets what weekend days with him when, if you are ok with her having kids of her own and you will be understanding that her kids will need just as much time with their dad as your kids do... if you realize that she is her own person with her own points of view that will be different from yours ... then ok - you may potentially be ready to reap the benefits of polygyny.

But there is still your husband's point of view to consider.
I know many people look down on this way of life and say that the husband is just exploiting the women, he is some per.vert or whatever... All bs if you ask me. It is perfectly normal for a very decent and kind guy to think of other women and maybe even to want to take care of more than one woman and more than one family.

Sure some men may be driven to this because they are sexually frustrated. In that case they may end up bringing in a second wife which doesn't share any of the values that you do. Men's ability to reject women and be selective is limited at that point. This second wife he brings in may be insecure, needy, ready to accept you as part of the relationship only because she thinks she can make him leave you in the end and choose her instead... Beware of your husband's ability to choose carefully... it may become a nightmare if he introduces a bad sample.

Now let's assume you have a decent and caring guy who is simply very honest about his internal desires and wants to offer both you and another woman a good life.
Understand that he will be choosing a wife. He is not choosing a person to help you in the household and change nappies of your babies. If that were the case you would be looking at news paper ads for homemakers. Nope.. he will chose someone he is physically and emotionally attracted to and that will be visible to you. You know your husband better than anyone else. Do you really think you won't be confronted with these emotions which will start to develop in both of them?
Be ready to deal with a husband that will be in a happy pinky place, a bit distracted, and giddy. That can be utterly annoying if you are stressed out and feeling alone.

You may be reading this and thinking - I can accept this in principle. I can understand my husband's needs and also the second wife's needs. I think I can do this.

Then hey - live and prosper! :)

I personally don't believe I could have done this without faith. You know, we are all mortals, flawed, ego-driven and ego-centric. My husband has hurt me many times, as well as my sister-wives. And I have hurt them. On some occasions it has been really rough. There were times with very little communication between us sister wives. Or periods of time when we were all upset with our husband and he was getting troubles in any home he went to.
Whoever has read through my blog has seen some of that in the posts.
I don't think I would have stuck through it if I didn't believe it served a bigger purpose. If I didn't believe this is where God wanted me to be.
That has been my way of going through all of this and finally - as my last post said - getting undefined by the situation. I am a wife of my husband. The whole 3rd thing really doesn't matter.
And my sisterwives are his wives too.
Their numbers don't matter either.

I hope whatever you chose to do, that you are honest with yourself. Never let a man drag you into a situation where you feel you are crossing your own boundaries. We should never let people bully us into anything. And we should definitely not be married to someone who pushes us to do stuff we feel uncomfortable with. If you want to explore this way of life, do it at your pace. He wants something from you right? Then he better let you decide the pace.

Good luck to all,
and if you want to email me or comment on this - feel free to do so. I may reply some months later, but your message WILL be read. :)

Love
3rd (who doesn't care she is 3rd anymore :p)

The world on a silver platter

Why are all cab drivers here so nuts? First I wanted to believe it was all just a coincidence, but no..I can’t keep justifying.. they are way crazy...
We just came back from a mall – me and colleague – and took a cab. So the driver decides to share his vision of the country with us.

“You see, I tell you, this country, is all upside down. Here women are like bosses.... I am telling you now, I see many things here in these years… Everything is about women here! A man cheats, she will smack his head to break it now and its ok. But if a woman cheats, he may kiss her on the knees to beg her to forgive him that he found out! I am telling you..”
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Me and my colleague are cracking up on the back seat

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“It is true. Whenever women become bosses the country goes upside down. You see it here. Man has to wash the dishes while woman goes out with her friends! I see them here in the night. They are all wasted on the backseat. They shove the beer down their throat worse than men..”

Crazy…

Anyway; I am travelling for work now. It’s been an interesting time so far. From a professional perspective it’s been really good, and this has been the first trip for me without any of my local colleagues. I met the international ones here, but was basically by myself. Which I prefer because it gives more opportunity to be alone. Otherwise there are always too many social activities for which you kind of need to show up..

Now I met one of these international colleagues already on one of my previous trips. I did remember meeting him but didn’t know his name anymore. I guess during the last trip we just exchanged a few words, nothing special. Se here, he came up to me to say hi and still knew my name..( I thought that was really impressive, since you tend to meet so many people in these trips). We chatted a bit and that was that. I mean it was pleasant but really quite short.

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One of the evenings, I came back to my room after a dinner with some customers and then saw a small bag there with my name on it. In it was just a souvenir from this guy’s home country (about 20 hours by plane from where I live!) and a simple note stating something like ‘a small gift from my country, enjoy” signed with his name.

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So I sat on the bed thinking, now what does this gesture mean? I figured the best thing would be to send a message thanking for the gift, to be polite. It has happened before that some guy showed interest but always in such annoying ways. I really dislike it when you notice that a guy always walks up to talk to you when he spots you. At a certain point you just look for ways to stay out of sight. And then they try to make jokes and somehow ask questions to understand 1) if you are in a relationship and then 2) if its serious. It’s all always too obvious even when it’s meant to be hidden, and it’s just generally really annoying.

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But this was different. This guy had always kept a professional, but kind attitude, and this gesture was not too intruding either. It was actually polite and respectful and that was nice.
I received a nice reply to my message, saying he hoped I liked it. I saw him during the day again and thanked him again for the souvenir. We chatted about some work-related things. I asked him at the end if he bought that souvenir here or if it was really from his home country, so he said ‘no really I brought it in my country’.

Now, that puzzled me. I am thinking that he had someone else in mind when he bought it, but that for some reason it didn’t work out and then he decided to give it to me. The other scenario could be that he really bought it with the intention to give it to me, but that just seems so unlikely.

We had dinner with a group of colleagues later in the week and he was there as well. It was a really nice evening, one of the more relaxed ones I have had so far. Usually you have to work quite hard to keep the conversation alive, but this evening was actually nice by itself. And during this dinner this colleague shared that he has a wife and kids and that then puzzled me even more.

I shared all of this with Mr.Hubby and he said that a lot of people cheat on these trips, with each other – this is true, I know a few colleagues who indeed did this. So Mr.Hubby says that he probably wanted to see if he had a chance with me. Mr.Hubby was by the way really relaxed about it. He said ‘Look at it this way, you’re still hot’.
LOL

But this whole thing made me think and gave me this feeling..a feeling that in front of me lies the option to chose a life of luxury and ease. A husband which you can present to the world, a life without hiding, without difficult sisterwives, a life with stability. And it’s there, for me to just chose and take. Such an odd feeling- like a sense of gravity that’s pulling my heart in that direction.

I sat in silence for a bit visualizing the real life in front of me. The life after this life, its endlessness and the choice which I am making for that life. And slowly the sense of gravitation towards all of this started to fade away.

Polygyny is a conscious choice. I guess like any marriage is a conscious choice sometimes. And maybe it would be better if it were a conscious choice every day. I will be going back home soon. New rounds of arguments, distrust and problems await, I am sure. But all of them give the opportunity for submission, humility, goodness, love, reconciliation. In all of them lie hidden gems. If I were only able to see these things while in the middle of things..

The core of things

I just read a post on CM's blog, and this part triggered some thoughts..

Other women who are in polygamous marriages for religious reasons describe spiritual benefits. I can definitely see how polygamy would force a woman to stretch and grow spiritually as she tries to rid herself of the negative emotions and behaviors that are bound to arise. I am fairly certain everyone will concede that women have to develop charity, love, unselfishness, forgiveness, and many other saintly attributes in order to live polygamy successfully. I also can envision how this lifestyle would motivate a woman to turn to God often for His divine help, love, and understanding as she struggles with all that is involved in sharing a husband. However, I am not sure I consider these items real "benefits" but instead I consider them to be beneficial results from living a hard situation.

You see, I find the spiritual benefits really the only real benefits, in anything, whether it be polygyny or life in general.. what else is there?

Being unselfish, caring, forgiving, humble etc. isn’t that the best thing we all could aspire to? Sometimes I feel so sad that these values are not held in a high esteem any more. And I am not making a reference to CM here, as I know she is a wonderful person and does value these things in people. I am talking in general. I mean there used to be something as knighthood in which values such as chivalry, defending the weak and helpless and being generous were held in high esteem. Very few attained these values, but they were perceived as important and people who reached some of them were respected. Nowadays gaining material riches is the highest goal it seems.

I was taught in school that what distinguishes humans from animals is reason, the ability to think about oneself and reflect upon oneself. And I have come to disagree with this notion. A child predator has reason, a rapist has reason, all these people think, reflect, make very elaborate plans on how to achieve their objectives in a way in which no animal could, yet they are animals. They are animals because they are not humane.

It is our ability to be humane which truly makes us human.

And being humane is really hard. Its like our heart is pure humanity but its covered with weed of jealousy, envy, vain, greed and all the other bad characteristics.

And isn’t the best goal in life to get rid of those dirty things within ourselves and let that best of character which is in us to fully flourish? So we may all be like stars of goodness on this planet?

The pursuit of happiness and true goals

I have small eyes today. Very small eyes, and they burn as well.. I stayed up till way too late with Mr.Hubby, talking talking, and some love-making, and talking.. and so I slept little.

Talking with Mr.Hubby is the best.

I love it.

I’ll write down some stuff – all of it would be too much..

The most important thing for me was that we talked about the fact that I find life boring sometimes. There are things that interest me and make me happy, but overall I find it quite meaningless to wake up every day and work and run a household, and repeat a routine. I think that it might change when I become a mom, because being responsible for kids will make me want to face every new day, but the worst thing would be if I became a mom and I’d still experience a sense of purposelessness. I am really yearning for some spiritual nearness, something real.
Mr.Hubby said that I could be compared to Little Rebel if he were asking about what it means to be a dad. He’d think it means paying bills, or having a wife, or playing with kids, while the whole concept of carrying the responsibility of fatherhood is something which is too vague for him to grasp. Mr.Hubby said he thinks I have read a lot about spirituality so that my gaze is fixed on that horizon which makes me forget what I need to do to get there. I just keep staring to that distance and am oblivious to my inability to carry it.

I asked him what it was that I needed to focus on right now, and he said ‘being aware of God’s presence in your life at all times, in good and in bad. Being aware of His Will over all things.’ He said it’s such an easy thing to say, but a very difficult thing to practice and that not one of us can be granted any trusts until we prove we can carry His Will. Otherwise we are bound to make the same mistake the devil made when he was still in paradise and was unwilling to accept Adam. He opposed Devine Will in a split second, and that was enough to get him thrown out of Devine Presence to be cursed forever more. Now we oppose Devine Will all the time. So how can we be let into that Devine Presence in such a state…

Yeah… I am far away from servanthood.

But a lot of things click in my mind right now. Like people in nice suits and bright cufflinks that seem very respectable, but just become terrible while in traffic. So much anger and animosity comes from people in such small moments when another person behaves in a way that is unexpected or deemed wrong.. Yet we uphold this image of civilization, of good behavior. Even to ourselves.
And it makes sense why people can become monsters in monstrous situations, like those of war or when they are simply given the power or possibility to be in that way.

Mr.Hubby said that we are placed here on earth with a yearning for paradise, we are originally creatures of paradise, that is our home, not this life. Our souls have a deep yearning for it. And we sense that, we have a feeling of emptiness and longing here in this life. And since our reality is veiled to us and we do not remember our origins, we look around thinking ‘maybe having this or that will make me happy, maybe being married will make me happy, maybe being single will make me happy, maybe doing yoga will give me that inner peace’. We are in continuous search of fulfillment and it is not to be found in anything earthly. Not in a truly lasting way at least.

This life is more like a big cleaning exercise. All the weed growing around our hearts which is making us impure needs to be cut away. So that we may be deserving of our grants. And not be deceived like Adam and Eve were deceived to disobey just one simple order ‘not to eat from that tree’. All of paradise was available to them and was made lawful to them. All of it; and it must have been splendid. Just one, such simple rule, and they were bound to disobey it.

So we are put in hardships, sickness comes to us, people hurt us, we experience loss, tragedies, just to make us to bow down. And if we do not manage in this life, we are cleaned further in the grave, and then if needed during the Day of Resurrection, and then if still needed in Hell.

I am praying to get there in this life. But I keep getting upset about everything that happens which bothers me. I have moments in which I can brush everything off my shoulders and say ‘He knows best and I am happy’ and in those moments everything opens up and goes my way. However most of the time I just keep battling people and keep battling life. Keep getting upset about how everyone behaves..

I am hoping that by writing this down I will remember my goals better. Maybe read back once in a while as a reminder. So this piece of text is as much for myself as it is for you guys.

How restraint is a blessing

I got this awesome piece of text in my mailbox.. the author isn't mentioned, but I couldn't deprive you of it.

We pray to our Lord to lift the heaviness off our hearts: and no one can lift those burdens except He Alone. Nowadays , huge industries have been built up whose only function is to provide diversion and amusement for people. Indeed, most industry falls under this category: the product that sells is not simply the one that fulfills a need, but the one that diverts people from the awareness of their misery – thus, television , videos, sports cars, fashions, games, etc. etc. are the new necessities of life.

All of these products of diversion have to compete with each other to gain their portion of the market, thus, another huge industry: Advertising. So, as we drive through the streets, beautiful people with clean white smiles come to meet us from their billboards and testify that , if only we buy such – and – such a product, we will look as good as they do, and always be surrounded by other beautiful people. The same is true of television ads: all are happy and laughing people.

But he to who God has granted penetrating vision may observe that these people are smiling the ‘smile of the skeleton’, the smile which always appears on skulls: all is just show, inside of themselves they are empty. What people call pleasure is only a kind of forced enjoyment.

Very young people may perhaps really feel enjoyment, as everything new is tasteful, but as they continue on this way, more and more they feel boredom setting in, that pleasure becoming but a routine. As a result they go further and further on the same way, to see if they can outrace the shadow of routine that makes all pleasures tasteless. Though they cannot win this race, they keep on running, progressing towards extremes of stimulation, but still feeling no pleasure. This disappointment and the consequent misery result from the mistaken assumption that ‘more is better’. For example, a spoonful of honey is sweeter than a cupful which will only make you sick. But because the philosophy of endless greed is now the common creed, people think that finding a beehive would be their greatest fortune. How wrong they are!

Oh people who claim to possess understanding, you must understand that Your Lord has placed a hindrance before the fulfillment of some of your desires only for your own good, not because He enjoys depriving you of something good. If something is prohibited by religion it is only because that so-called pleasure is a trap to catch you into suffering

Poised Heart

Various thoughts have been running through my mind in the past few days, I’m trying to get them on paper..

Hidden Sage emailed me today that the most important trait of our ego is most often the one that we are most pleased with or the one we take pride in. I have been thinking about this, and I am realizing that it really might be true.

I appreciate the peace and safety of my inner world…I am happy to be a pleasant yet poised person and that I always do my best to keep my word - which might be described as reliable or trustworthy. And now I am thinking that there might indeed be some drawbacks to these characteristics.

I think my main fear is giving my heart to people. Yes, I think that is the hardest thing for me. So being poised might actually be the result of the emotional detachment.. All the caretakers I have had in my childhood were taken from me, or I was taken from them. You know I never hugged anyone – I mean really I felt disgusted on some level to hug people … then my first boyfriend hugged me, it was such an amazing feeling. I totally gave my heart to him and he wasn’t worth it, which was a harsh experience and that’s an understatement. I never felt such desperation again.

I’ve talked to Mr.Hubby about this in the beginning of our relationship. I told him that I didn’t feel such an emotional dependency with him as I did during my first relationship. I wondered whether that was something to worry about.. but he never felt like it was. I get it now, my love for Mr.Hubby is not just insane craving for love and attention, like it was with my first love, but I wonder if I am not still shutting him out in some way, I wonder if he doesn’t deserve more than my poised and dreamy self..

I guess I deserve more than my poised self

And fear… fear is nothing else than lack of faith. Don’t you think? Who would fear to give their heart when they know that their Lord is the guardian of it? I try to keep my heart for My Lord, but what if what I am actually doing is guarding my heart safely – thus not giving it in the Hands of the Lord?

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On Little Rebel and Trusting Your Lord

My third post today.. that’s what WFH does with me..makes me a Blogger addict.

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I remember what I did last weekend. I babysat “Little Rebel”, and it was his goal in life not to get his diapers changed, so he made me do some very entertaining ‘catch me if you can’ exercises. It beats the stair master. I am quite sure he’s the funniest kid ever. He tells me endless stories of which I understand absolutely nothing but I always agree 100% with his opinion, and we just happen to find Elmo the coolest dude on TV. People have problems with that opinion?.. we don’t care, Elmo rocks.

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It was a good weekend.

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And I also remember this thing I wanted to write about. I read the O magazine, I am not a regular reader, I happened to buy the copy with Michelle Obama on the cover. And there was this interesting article about people living as if there is scarcity of things. There is scarcity of time in our life so we stress to get things done, there is scarcity of love, so we suffocate our loved ones with jealousy and control, there is scarcity of money so we keep trying to get more.. And what seems to be the case, once you actually believe there is abundance, you experience abundance.

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It’s true.

When I put my best intentions forward and decide to try and really make the relationship work with my sisterwives, and they reciprocate with distrust, suspicion, accusations, I just feel like giving up. And I am sure they feel the same towards me.

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So why wouldn’t that be a way of understanding how we should act towards our Lord? He says of Himself that He is the Most Merciful, the Most Generous, the Most Kind. His Word is actually a promise to us. Then why are we always preparing for the worst, scared of losing people or things as if we can really control anything..? This attitude surely can’t please Him…

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@CM - Why polygyny

Anonymous signed CM posed some good questions about polygyny as a reply to my previous post, which I will try to answer here.

CM, first off, thanks for the nice comment and your genuine interest. I totally understand where you are coming from – I think I would have had similar questions had I read a blog like mine before coming to faith..

The way you state my situation is quite correct I guess..

“You support yourself”
Yes, though it’s my choice – I could expect from Mr.Hubby to support me, but I like using my brains and earning my own money, so this actually works for me
“You only get to see your husband one or two days a week"
Actually two days every two weeks, in the meantime we do see each other but it’s not ‘my day’ which means he spends the night at another home
“You have to delay having children now”
This has nothing to do with the principle of polygyny or with what God asks of women, it’s just that I don’t know yet how to handle my family, society, questions from my kid(s) etc
“If and when you do have children they will have a part time father”
Yes, they will
“In many ways you will have to raise them like a single mom”
Indeed
“Your husband on the other hand has four wives and is never alone unless he chooses to”
He is indeed never alone, and choosing to be alone is hardly an option for him as it will most probably not be accepted by the wife whose day it is
“Has children and decides his schedule with them”
The schedule is decided by the mothers and the children not by Mr.Hubby
“Can choose to add as more wives without the consent of the other wives”
Indeed no consent is needed from the wives, though any sane man would make sure they are on board since otherwise he would surely go nuts trying to make peace
“Has a variety of se.xual partners that are sanctioned by God”
Yes, obviously he does

This however is also very true:
While each wife has time for herself, to meet with friends by herself etc, Mr.Hubby has to be present and involved with someone in his family every day. This means that if he is tired from work and would have nothing rather than to sit quietly for some hours, he simply can’t do that. The family has been waiting for him, they need 100% of his attention and his care.
This also means that if he has had a fight with one of the wives and is on his way home to a different wife, he needs to shake it off and put on his happy face in order to give them the care and attention which they are entitled to.
If the husbands desires to be alone with one of his wives, he has to wait just as the wife does. And this can be just as hard on him as it is on the wives. The fact that he is with someone doesn’t mean that he can’t miss another wife..

This continuous effort from a man’s part is something which is demanded by God as well.. A man has the right to have more than one wife, but has obligations towards them as well, and the rights of women are in God’s hands. So any man with any faith in his heart will feel a heavy load making sure he is doing right by his wives.

I have read quite some polygyny blogs, and I have found many situations there which seem unjust and cruel. Maybe the men have taken their task too lightly - I am sure many men do.. I guess men think “yes! polygyny! – a variety of se.xual partners!” But then it turns out they don’t get a variety of se.xual partners instead they get wives, with demands, and feelings, and emotions, and kids, and bills, and responsibilities.. which is of course less appealing than dating, or adultery, or maybe even serial monogamy.

Polygyny is hard. But I can say that I prefer it above monogamy. The reason for it is that I get a better husband and a better father for it. Dealing with multiple families, continuously, with an intention to do as pleases God, gives more insights in ourselves and in others, it makes us grow.
I guess I experience polygyny as a crash course in human relationships. Mr.Hubby tells us all the trials and tribulations, the emotional rollercoasters of polygyny have made him understand and realize so many things which he never knew when he was in a monogamous relationship with 1st. And 1st agrees. She often sais how she really thought she knew herself and could say she knew the way she would respond to a situation – when in fact she got to know so many things about herself when she had to share Mr.Hubby.

Now the question is - is that important to a person? Maybe for people it will be good enough to be together and have a fairly uncomplicated and content life.. that's fine also. I am very happy with this aspect of polygyny though, since I am hoping to better myself as much as I can..

Also what's very important to me is that Mr.Hubby is clean in his mind and heart because he has no desire for other women. Just think about it. How massive is the industry catering to men’s se.xual thoughts and desires? All these men are husbands and fathers as well…

CM, I’ve tried to answer your questions as much as I could.
Why God asks this of women.. I don’t think that’s the right question. God asks something of men and women. I think God has created men in a certain way, and women in a certain way. With our own good and bad traits. And it is my beliefs that most men are better men when they have more than one wife and deal with that right in an honorable way. And most women are better women when they share their husband and can get past jealousy and fear.

I feel like I am not jealous of the other wives any more. They get on my nerves still sometimes, but it’s not because of jealousy in the sense that it bothers me to know they sleep with Mr.Hubby. I feel that forming a good bond with my sisterewives is the next step. The next step in burning away my ego and becoming more humble, more accepting of whatever God ordains for me, becoming a nicer human being… It’s the next step.. I definitely have a lot to do still.
:)
But if you look at it from this perspective it becomes a means to an end, instead of a sacrifice for an unclear cause..

Please let me know whether any of this makes sense to you..

The Wisdom of Trees

I found today’s post in trees…

I was observing a few trees bearing the lashes of strong wind today, and I saw the young trees bend forward in submission to the wind’s will, while old trees were resisting, staying strong, and in the process they moaned and squeaked..

Which of the two is really stronger I wondered? And I saw that I feared that just a bit stronger blow would break the old trees in half..

You see, my friends, I understood today that more often than not I try to keep strong. When I get irritated by a random person I take hold of my heart and say to myself, “beware of yourself, don’t let your bad characteristics get the best of you”..and thus I firmly resist and keep strong, and try to be good. While it works with your general windy weather, it will break you in half when a storm comes along.

The most powerful way is really to submit and say “Oh my Lord, I am a weak one and I bend to You, make me a better person than I am, without you I cannot”.
And now that I am writing this, I think to myself, it’s way too simple to be an epiphany, yet it was. True power lies in submission, in asking for help, and admitting your weakness. Our inclination towards denying our bad characteristics and our weaknesses just cuts off our ties with God, making us to be left to deal with them by ourselves, thus making us inevitably to be their victim…

I found this post in trees, which I have seen so many times before, yet never truly. All of a sudden today I saw how their creation, the way it is, carries a lesson, a direction, and a wisdom for mankind. What a wonder. Had to share it..

Sometimes it takes so little

The text below is an excerpt of American Muslima Writer's latest post. I found it to be perfect.. enjoy.

The next time I ran into a Jewish person I was then Muslim, wore hijab, and knew a bit more about the differences between our faiths. I was riding the local Tucson bus at sunset to a Hotel where the Muslim community had gathered to raise money to build a new Masjid in town. I got on and sat down in the middle of the bus and sitting opposite from me was a young black man around my age of 18. He was dressed in a classy suit mostly white, and on top of his head wore the traditional Jewish cap. Our eyes met and then glanced off quickly.

We both sat there not quite staring at each other because we were the only traditionally religious people apparent on the bus. I'm sure if a nun had been present there would have been a three way stare. I felt I wanted to start up a religious conversation with this guy and from his furtive glances he did too. Yet we both held back afraid of the same thing... causing a religious misunderstanding....in public. I saw many of the other passengers looking between us both waiting for something to happen and a silent tension practically hummed through the bus.

I saw my stop and pressed the cord button, it chimed and we both stood. We were standing face to face and the temptation to talk grew...."Salaam," he said smiling."Shalom," I replied quickly smiling too. He let me off first and as we stepped off in different directions we were both still smiling. Two simple words conveyed a hope for the future where people could indeed understand the other's beliefs and live in Shalom, in Salaam, in Peace.

Overcoming the lows

I was feeling low last week.. sometimes, anything can be too much. When I feel like that I am not walking around ranting or screaming or anything of the kind. I just feel very tired, very quiet and lonely. Lonely in the sense that I wish to be alone, because the cheery mood of others hurts, and yet I long for warmth of people at the same time. It’s a mixed emotion - I don’t even know what to make of it let alone explain it well to Mr.Hubby.

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Sometimes I wonder what the root is, since I have been having such mood swings forever. They have become much less frequent and less intense in the last years, still they do come back occasionally.

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When I was younger I would lock myself up in my room and cry for a full day, now I just get silent, reflective. I always end up looking forward and thinking ‘there’s still so many years ahead’. I think that with a sense of heaviness. I start to wonder what the use is of life, of all the things we go through. We end up in the soil anyway, and life continues and we get forgotten, our deeds are so small, futile in comparison to the creation, so why aren’t we already in our final destination? I start thinking of all the people that enjoy themselves in this life, that are so happy with all the material things, all the achievements they are striving after, and it’s as if someone turns on the light when you are having a migraine. It so turns me off, I just want to crawl in a small hut in the middle of the desert and stay there, alone.

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I don’t really know what it is, why I get these feelings, what I should do with them. I can write them down now, but I can’t when I am actually feeling them. So Mr.Hubby makes the effort to talk with me, tries to understand what’s wrong. And all I can do is sob and utter one or two words. He holds me, says he is sorry for whatever he does wrong, for everything which I am carrying due to his ignorance.

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I asked him what God intends with marriage, with sharing a life together. The movie “Hancock” kind of describes what I was trying to say. The way I see it is that God creates a mutual attraction, liking and love between two people, but He doesn’t want us to lose ourselves in that love and thus forget about Him. So He creates distances through polygyny. In the movie Hancock they were so powerful when apart, and so weak when near.

Mr.Hubby said that God makes us be together to find solace, comfort and companionship in one another. “If a group of people goes to a movie, they might all like it. But out of ten people maybe there will be just one other person who will like the exact same scenes that you did, or will see the same message that you did. You will feel a connection with that person which you will not feel with the other nine. Still the main thing is the movie, not talking with each other. Watching the movie may merely be more enjoyable when together..”

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“Our lives are about gaining nearness to God. We draw nearer to one another through this mutual goal. That makes us to have a special and deep bond. The reason I liked you when we met is that I recognized your yearning for faith, your questions.. that made me want you in my life – as a companion. People with no faith say we use our faith to make ourselves believe we should do all these things for God. As if we are brainwashing ourselves. But for us it’s the other way around - without faith there is no reason for being together – life, relationships are empty, dead.”

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And all of a sudden life seemed so full of possibilities. It might be that I will not have to wait until I pass away for nearness, for the taste of true spirituality, for that liberation from this material heaviness. I have had small appetizers in the past, who knows what God might bring on my path. And Mr.Hubby would be there to experience these things with... and share the adventures.
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I felt so relieved and cried all the previous heaviness away on his shoulder. I needed that talk.

Squeaky wheels get greased

To update everyone on the situation - I just got a text from Mr.Hubby saying he misses me... I tried calling him and he called me back but we weren't able to reach each other a few times. We talked eventually but about daily things (since I am sucker at talking about feelings on the phone..) He did text me though - sweet words so we're good. Once we see each other we'll talk things through.

What new#3 and Cathy said in their comments about squeaky wheels getting greased is exactly what I want to talk to Mr.Hubby about. We have talked about this before so it's nothing new. I told him that I felt like complaining gets rewarded by him with attention. He said that it's true, but that he can't see through everything himself and that I should help him with that.

I have gone back and forth between just letting him manage things on his own and me minding my own business, and then to trying to demand the attention he lacks to provide due to problems he has with other wives.

The times I tried to get Mr.Hubby to see my side of the story - eventually you get down to complaining about what he or she is doing wrong - I hated it. Part of it is pride I have to admit. The thought of me busying myself with how much attention a man does or does not give me - or how much he does give someone else - just makes me feel so rebellious - I immediately think stuff like "I definitely have better things to do with my time.."

Because I know pride is involved with it, I did try to go against it, try to lower myself and reach out to him. But once your plea doesn't get heard you start the back and forth of communicating opinions and at the end of the day I feel like a loser... even if he heard me in the end.

Some things I can brush off my shoulder easily, then I see him doing his best to make it up to a sisterwife who has been complaining about the same thing, and in the process he forgets about me... It seems like such injustice, but I remind myself that eventually God is aware of everything and holds the balance. So there is really nothing to worry about.

I plan on telling Mr.Hubby this. That I will not pull his shirt each time he does something wrong, that I do feel his attention goes to those complaining, and that I will excercise in trusting God through this...so that he basically has to make sure he does justice to us all on his own.

The longing

I have been feeling low in the past days. Now it’s better mainly because I have managed to re-schedule my appointments and work from home today. It gives me peace of mind; I feel less submerged in some insane rat race and more of a normal person.

Mr.Hubby has been very busy the past weeks, he’s still having arguments with 1st, I have been busy with work, he forgot about me a bit which I didn’t mind till I noticed he did call 4th, that hurt me, and I got offended, decided that I wouldn’t contact him and let him call me instead, he noticed my distance, and didn’t like it, and now he doesn’t call me either. Nonsense, all stupid childish nonsense. But still I won’t pick up the phone and call him. It’s mental power play.. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t complicate my own life this way. Some people have real problems out there, and I am creating my own here. Maybe at the end of this “working day”, after I have thought it all through, it will all be better and I will find a way to overcome myself.

I read once that people stand in front of paradise and then turn away. I know God is watching me and He waits for me to go against my childishness and my arrogance and pride, and be humble in front of His Gaze.
That actually changes everything.. If I were in front of paradise now, how important could it all be actually? I would run through fire to get closer to Him then, so what’s a phone call?

I wish I had a direct line to God and He could answer my questions directly. Sometimes I feel like life is a huge puzzle, and the pieces just won’t fall into place. I wish I was a better believer. Someone who would give all of themselves to God, and accept His Will always, regardless of what it was. I wish I was someone who only wished good to others, wouldn’t feel jealous or offended, wasn’t stubborn, and arrogant, didn’t have stupid pride, and was always reminding of God and never objecting anything God ordained to happen. I wish God would take all my bad characteristics away and make me clean, spotless, and for me to be submerged in love of Him and His love of me, endlessly, forever.

Why does it have to take so long to progress?

Late night reflections

It's quite late at night and I could not sleep because of the mosquitoes and because of how hot is was.. I decided to get up and take the time for prayer and reflection. And while I was sitting and meditating a storm broke loose.

What a sensation to be meditating with windows wide open and the sound of the rain and the thunder outside. I felt so at peace and at the same time so energetic. I was reflecting on everything that had happened the day before, asking God to guide me in every step and protect me from any type of negative feelings I have. And with every such thought I felt myself becoming more and more – what word would best describe it – healed…it was so soothing. Just wonderful..

We do such injustice to God. I forget about Him throughout the day, complain about this or that and forget to ask Him for help. Then I turn to Him just once and He lifts me up regardless of my forgetfulness of Him and all my ungratefulness. If it were a relationship between two people I would be the incredibly egoistic and self-oriented one, and not one person would endure me. But He is always there.
I feel bad for ever complaining about how people treat me, when I show Him so little love, affection and care. We should love God, He loves back. Instead of asking love from people around us..

He might even love us through the people around us.

It’s still raining.

I love the sound of the rain.

Sincerity

Lately things have been going very well between me and Mr.Hubby - Actually this is most often the case. Just sometimes, when it’s that time of the month, I get in a drama-trip in which things feel worse than they are and the world seems to be a hostile place.. :)

However there have also been periods during which I would talk to Mr.Hubby less or he was less caring and involved. Sometimes because he had a lot on his mind or was dealing with problems in his other households, or because he was fed up with me and my flaws. And I have noticed that any reservations or doubts I have about polygyny or the fact that my life is secretive always pop up when me and him are in our lows.. When I feel loved by him and secure in our relationship nothing really bothers me.

And this makes me wonder how sincere I truly am... Should the choice for this lifestyle not be a matter of principle and belief and be totally unrelated to the way Mr.Hubby acts? Does this make me someone who is just in it for her husband and his affection, and will I run away once things get tough?
It makes me question whether I am steadfast enough in my faith.

The tricks of the accursed

Sometimes, when I am hurt, this weird negativity creeps up in my head. You know.. you start thinking the other person doesn’t care. You see images in your head of you being caring, and the other one leaving you out in the cold by yourself - drama.
So you decide to shut yourself off, go your own way... That is my built in mechanism anyway when things go wrong - taking distance.

And there is this thing which always helps me calm down and look at things from a different perspective, and that is the story of Adam and Eve. Weird? Let me explain. I just wanted to post my insights here and see what you guys think.

As you all know Adam and Eve were in Eden, blissful with absolute freedom and happiness – with just a very simple rule “do not touch that one tree”. Now paradise must have been awesome, vast, exciting, and great, so such a simple rule should have been a piece of cake. But still somehow they disobeyed…

They did that out of fear and out of a lack of trust. The devil convinced Eve that God hadn’t told them why they weren’t allowed to eat from the tree because by eating from it they would gain eternity. And without it they would be mortals and eventually die. To scare Eve further he showed her the horrors of their decaying bodies.

Such a simple and straightforward story, but just think about it: the devil convinced them that by listening to him they would attain exactly that which in reality they would lose.. and what they got instead is exactly that which he scared them with!

Isn’t that deep? Every time I get this urge to think negatively because I imagine other people being cruel I try to remember this – and remember that the devil is always out to trick us. I try my best to overcome myself and reach out and be honest about my feelings, instead of taking distance, as that way I definitely risk ending up alone and sad..

Any thoughts?