Undefined by numbers

Hello all.. Well, I didn't want to come back here and say I was busy, though I was, but it was obviously not the reason for my absence. It took me some evaluating to figure out why exactly I haven't felt the need to write anything for so long. One might think it's because of some issues, well no..not at all.

For those that have read my blog since the beginning you might remember the post 'defined by numbers', in which I was wondering why it is that the fact I am 3rd tends to dominate my life, it seems to be so defining.. Well, it isn't anymore. Actually I hardly ever think about polygyny at all nowadays, and that's a good thing. The reason for this is probably that the amount of fights have reduced to almost zero. This does not mean we're the best of friends. We just hang out as much as we feel like it and not more than that. As far as I am concerned this works really well.

Another important thing is that I feel like I have fully come to terms with this lifestyle. And this has really a lot to do with this blogging-thing, and especially with the insightful comments from all of you. Especially Donald, Sage, CM, and a special reader that has always preferred to comment by mail, namely Paul. And of course UmmAR kept me smiling.

Then there were the stories of all the other people that live this lifestyle or that have lived this lifestyle, they have helped me get a better perspective on who I am and how I want to live my own life.

Doesn't this feel like a goodbye?

Kind of, it does, I am wondering if it makes sense to keep blogging as 3rd. I don't feel like venting about polygyny anymore. I might occasionally, but will it really fill a blog? Right now it seems it won't.

At the moment I am inclined to just leave this blog open and whenever I feel like it update something, but I haven't made my final decision yet. What do you guys think?

News...

I haven't updated here in ages it seems. Been cheating on you guys, found a new place to vent. It's writing... fiction. And I am writing for me only, not sharing it on any blog or whatever.

It's really weird, but it totally lifts me up. Though I've realized that in the end its just another way to escape reality. If I am walking or in the car or whatever, cooking even, a part of my brain disconnects and I enter some other world, my imaginary world. Then, when I have to get back to reality and really focus, it seems that much easier and somehow even more interesting.

It would be the best thing ever if I could end up earning a living with writing. A lot of discipline is involved with it though and whether I will ever finish a book I really don't know. It seems like my head holds an entire lake of thoughts and ideas and what's on paper is maybe just a cupfull. It takes a lot of times to translate feelings, images and thoughts into words. Words that convey them all well anyway...

But nuff about that. Some updates from my side. Mr.Hubby told me he wants to change the schedule. Its time for something more balanced according to him. He would want to move to a two days each .. I would really love that! It's not decided yet. He has to talk to the other wives separately and see in what way he can make it work with everyone. I guess 1st and 2nd will still want some kind of arrangement in which the kids get to see him more often, for dinner at least for example.

Then... Mr.Hubby said its time to start planning for kids! He said he hopes I will be pregnant a year from now at the latest.. :) I'm really nervous thinking about it but at the same time so excited. I've been thinking about this for so long. Sometimes I felt like nothing really mattered and I should just have kids regardless of the situation. Other times I've felt like there was no way I could make it work. Its been good talking about it with Mr.Hubby.

I am quite tired at the moment and though there is much more to be said on the topics, I will really have to try and post more another time. Right now, I'm in need of some mental silence.

Cheers all.

Picture perfect

The last post raised some questions, and I have been thinking about what you asked - whether I'd prefer monogamy with Mr.Hubby if it were an option.. SoI tried to imagine my fairy tale life so to say..so I could give you an honest answer.

So here goes my picture perfect:

I’d be married to Mr.Hubby, and he’d be a ten year younger version of himself but absolutely with the same wisdoms, characteristics, personality (e.g. maturity level) which he has now.. I would have sisterwives which would truly be like sisters to me. I think I’d like to have two, and they’d be in about the same age range as I. We would be true friends and I’d love them as I love my own sister.

We’d all have kids, and none of the them would be older than four. Each one of the wives would take turns in running daycare for the kids. And once the kids would grow older we might chose to home school them.

We would live in adjacent homes, with a big communal living and kitchen so we could have our dinners together. We’d have two days with Mr.Hubby each, so everyone would be with him in the weekends eventually.

My day would look something like this: Getting the kids ready, if it were my turn to babysit, I would obviously be doing that until it were time to start preparing dinner. On other days I would start my day by going to the gym to keep everything nice and toned, then run errands, rest some (especially if it were my day with hubby so I would be refreshed when he came home), go to the salon to get properly waxed in all the necessary places, chat or meet with my sisterwives and other friends and family, prepare dinner, preferably together with another sisterwife.. I am still undecided whether I would like to cook, but I would definitely master the skill of making sweets and jummy cookies and all. So the kids would think I am such a cool mom and auntie and they’d sneak into my kitchen to steal something. I’d always pretend not to notice.
We would all have dinner together and it would be a big and messy but most importantly warm family. After dinner, the necessary cleaning and getting kids to bed, my evening would depend on whether Mr.Hubby were with me that day or not.

If it were my day:
With Mr.Hubby being away for some days, having him home again would make me look forward to it. I would make sure to take a short shower, and have the diligence to slip into something nice like a nightgown (instead of my shorts and stuff which I wear now). I would have rested during the day so there would be no tiredness bothering me..

I’d make it my personal objective to make Mr.Hubby loose himself fully and loudly under me.. I’d give him and myself the opportunity to rest for some hours after which I would ask him to kindly return the favor. After this there would be time to talk and reflect about whatever happened to be on our mind.

If it weren’t my day with him:
I would use the evenings for spiritual readings, contemplation, writing, painting, meeting with the sisterwife who was also by herself that day, in the weekends maybe arrange sleepovers for all the kids while me and the other sisterwife indulge in some delicious ice-cream all the while reassuring one another that we deserved it and that it wouldn’t ruin our thighs..

My family and friends would know about my lifestyle, and would learn to accept it. They would come over occasionally and sometimes my kids would go over to them and have sleepovers with their cousins.

I would feel safe and protected within my family unit, and we would be united by a bond of trust and love.

….

And I would maybe ask Mr.Hubby to make love to me a third time again..

….

Yeah. That’s my picture perfect.

And it really isn’t impossible to reach. I mean, I couldn’t have a Mr.Hubby be ten years younger, but let’s say I would be with a different man, spiritual and kind just as Mr.Hubby and two nice sisterwives. They are out there, I have met some of them..
But:
1.

Living this life, and then dying, would result in what? I mean, what would that mean for my spiritual development? Having nice sisterwives and a life which doesn’t confront me with anything within me, would result into what exactly?
2.

I am no way near this perfection myself. I am not as perfect towards Mr.Hubby nor towards my sisterwives as I would want to be. My own pride and pettiness hold me down. So instead of expecting them to change to my liking I might better try and change myself. Their change may follow naturally..

So this is why I say gems are hidden in all the problems. They are opportunities for me to learn to be that better person, the one which trusts, loves, shows kindness, and generosity, and humility to others..

@CM - Why polygyny

Anonymous signed CM posed some good questions about polygyny as a reply to my previous post, which I will try to answer here.

CM, first off, thanks for the nice comment and your genuine interest. I totally understand where you are coming from – I think I would have had similar questions had I read a blog like mine before coming to faith..

The way you state my situation is quite correct I guess..

“You support yourself”
Yes, though it’s my choice – I could expect from Mr.Hubby to support me, but I like using my brains and earning my own money, so this actually works for me
“You only get to see your husband one or two days a week"
Actually two days every two weeks, in the meantime we do see each other but it’s not ‘my day’ which means he spends the night at another home
“You have to delay having children now”
This has nothing to do with the principle of polygyny or with what God asks of women, it’s just that I don’t know yet how to handle my family, society, questions from my kid(s) etc
“If and when you do have children they will have a part time father”
Yes, they will
“In many ways you will have to raise them like a single mom”
Indeed
“Your husband on the other hand has four wives and is never alone unless he chooses to”
He is indeed never alone, and choosing to be alone is hardly an option for him as it will most probably not be accepted by the wife whose day it is
“Has children and decides his schedule with them”
The schedule is decided by the mothers and the children not by Mr.Hubby
“Can choose to add as more wives without the consent of the other wives”
Indeed no consent is needed from the wives, though any sane man would make sure they are on board since otherwise he would surely go nuts trying to make peace
“Has a variety of se.xual partners that are sanctioned by God”
Yes, obviously he does

This however is also very true:
While each wife has time for herself, to meet with friends by herself etc, Mr.Hubby has to be present and involved with someone in his family every day. This means that if he is tired from work and would have nothing rather than to sit quietly for some hours, he simply can’t do that. The family has been waiting for him, they need 100% of his attention and his care.
This also means that if he has had a fight with one of the wives and is on his way home to a different wife, he needs to shake it off and put on his happy face in order to give them the care and attention which they are entitled to.
If the husbands desires to be alone with one of his wives, he has to wait just as the wife does. And this can be just as hard on him as it is on the wives. The fact that he is with someone doesn’t mean that he can’t miss another wife..

This continuous effort from a man’s part is something which is demanded by God as well.. A man has the right to have more than one wife, but has obligations towards them as well, and the rights of women are in God’s hands. So any man with any faith in his heart will feel a heavy load making sure he is doing right by his wives.

I have read quite some polygyny blogs, and I have found many situations there which seem unjust and cruel. Maybe the men have taken their task too lightly - I am sure many men do.. I guess men think “yes! polygyny! – a variety of se.xual partners!” But then it turns out they don’t get a variety of se.xual partners instead they get wives, with demands, and feelings, and emotions, and kids, and bills, and responsibilities.. which is of course less appealing than dating, or adultery, or maybe even serial monogamy.

Polygyny is hard. But I can say that I prefer it above monogamy. The reason for it is that I get a better husband and a better father for it. Dealing with multiple families, continuously, with an intention to do as pleases God, gives more insights in ourselves and in others, it makes us grow.
I guess I experience polygyny as a crash course in human relationships. Mr.Hubby tells us all the trials and tribulations, the emotional rollercoasters of polygyny have made him understand and realize so many things which he never knew when he was in a monogamous relationship with 1st. And 1st agrees. She often sais how she really thought she knew herself and could say she knew the way she would respond to a situation – when in fact she got to know so many things about herself when she had to share Mr.Hubby.

Now the question is - is that important to a person? Maybe for people it will be good enough to be together and have a fairly uncomplicated and content life.. that's fine also. I am very happy with this aspect of polygyny though, since I am hoping to better myself as much as I can..

Also what's very important to me is that Mr.Hubby is clean in his mind and heart because he has no desire for other women. Just think about it. How massive is the industry catering to men’s se.xual thoughts and desires? All these men are husbands and fathers as well…

CM, I’ve tried to answer your questions as much as I could.
Why God asks this of women.. I don’t think that’s the right question. God asks something of men and women. I think God has created men in a certain way, and women in a certain way. With our own good and bad traits. And it is my beliefs that most men are better men when they have more than one wife and deal with that right in an honorable way. And most women are better women when they share their husband and can get past jealousy and fear.

I feel like I am not jealous of the other wives any more. They get on my nerves still sometimes, but it’s not because of jealousy in the sense that it bothers me to know they sleep with Mr.Hubby. I feel that forming a good bond with my sisterewives is the next step. The next step in burning away my ego and becoming more humble, more accepting of whatever God ordains for me, becoming a nicer human being… It’s the next step.. I definitely have a lot to do still.
:)
But if you look at it from this perspective it becomes a means to an end, instead of a sacrifice for an unclear cause..

Please let me know whether any of this makes sense to you..

Daily Life

Part of recent conversation with a male high-school friend

Guy: He's cheating on her…

3rd: What do you think of men cheating on their wives?

Guy: I do get why they feel the need for it, but I would never do it.

3rd: Are you for real, or just saying that because I'm a woman?

Guy: For real. I think about other women sometimes, but my girlfriend is my only one and that's the way it should be. If I would ever truly want to be with someone else I'd be honest, not go out and cheat on her.

3rd: You'd be like the guy on Big Love… chuckles

Guy: Man, they are crazy!

3rd: What do you mean?

Guy: Every time I turn on the show they're sessin'.

3rd: LOL! Well, they have to sell the show! But I think it's cool he's honest to his wives and takes care of them. Much better than all the men cheating on their wives.

Guy: They are big time hypocrites. Keeping it a secret from the outside world. All nice and decent on the outside, but then mad crazy household. It’s fun to watch, but they are really hypocrites!

3rd: Yeah... So, how's your Mom, still having back ache?

Background

As promised I am posting the background story of our family, the general overview of course. It took a while to get it written, sorry for the absence...Some wondered how 1st was introduced with polygny and if that might be the real cause why she won’t share the same house with us, should we would move in together. I don’t think so since Mr.Hubby and her agreed on polygyny even before their marriage and she was the one to introduce 2nd. I do think she might not have realized what it was that she was accepting.

She was married with Mr.Hubby six years before 2nd entered and her entering was 1st's idea. The two of them were good friends and I guess 1st figured that she trusted 2nd, kids liked her, she was a great help around the house.. so if there were to be a 2nd why not her close friend.. Once the marriage happened it turned out harder than expected. I wasn’t around then so I know this form what Mr.Hubby, 1st and 2nd have told me. My conclusion is that it was hard for 1st to realize 2nd was forming an intimate relationship with Mr.Hubby. Before it had always been through 1st. But all of a sudden 2nd and Mr.Hubby had something between the two of them.. and the relationship between 1st and 2nd changed from 2nd being solely a friend to 1st, to being another wife - and thus having needs and demands of her own. So they struggled, sometimes they would be close, other times they would not talk to each other.

I came in through Mr.Hubby some five years after. I met Mr.Hubby and we felt a connection very quickly. We used to talk on the phone a lot for half a year or so, and we met some times as well though in company of others. Once we were both sure about what we felt, he told 1st and 2nd about me. They agreed after meeting me. But once the fact was there, they felt he was spending too much time with me, that I was not being open, that they couldn't trust me. I guess that was true, though they had a bond between them before becoming sisterwives so - to my defense - I couldn't copy that. And I didn't know how to be open with two women whose husband I was sharing, while it was obvious that it hurt them a lot.. They ended up becoming very close again due to their shared pain of me becoming 3rd. I felt overwhelmed at times due to all the emotional outbursts on the phone, at my home, at their home... I was thinking to myself - if it is causing them so much grief how in the world can it be right?

Mr.Hubby was committed to make it work for all of us. He spent a lot of time explaining to me how they felt and why in order to make it easier for me to relate to them. Because of this, when I would meet with them I could let them know I understood their pain and was willing to do my best to make this situation work. After some two years of true emotional roller-coaster rides they found a way to believe me and trust me, at least to some extent. And we were able to start and build a relationship and even do fun stuff together.

4th was a close friend of mine and much like with *c* she formed a relationship with Mr.Hubby by herself without me being in the loop. I saw it and felt it, but I didn't want to pry, so I waited till they decided to tell me themselves. It hurt.. it really did. Sometimes I felt treated like a fool. Sometimes it was so obvious they had met each other that I felt it was insulting - as if I were some idiot who would not see through their lies.
Mr.Hubby took me out to lunch one day and with a very long introduction told me that they were interested in each other. My heart sank – but I was relieved at the same time. It sank because my suspicions were true, and it was relieved because he finally decided to tell the truth. I was happy for 4th and sad for myself. Because I knew things would change from now on. I decided to call her up and meet with her. We did, and I told her that it was hard on me, but I did feel happy for her, and that I did hope she would feel happy with Mr.Hubby and with us.

However on 1st and 2nd this was way too hard and it came very unexpectedly. 1st felt that it had been enough by now. She wondered why 4th had to enter, why Mr.Hubby didn’t spend his time on his families, instead of building another one. She saw her time diminish even more. They went through major arguments, and I felt sad for 4th to see her in the middle of all of this, just the way I was in the beginning. I assured her to keep her head cool and show 1st and 2nd her good intentions and that I was here to support her. It worked. They accepted her, even though both of them continued to have objections if Mr.Hubby was, according to them, meeting her too often or spending too much time with her.

What hurt me most however was that 4th turned out to be less accepting of me, than I was of her. While I was offering her my support she was complaining to Mr.Hubby if he was spending time with me, she would come to my home even and argue with him. That came out of the blue for me. I really thought we would become close sisters and friends and wish each other the best. Now things are better, but it took a lot of arguing and talks with Mr.Hubby for 4th to understand she was doing wrong.

Through all of this, as I said in the previous post 1st has always felt misunderstood by us. We enter and are happy to accept this life, don’t mind a lot, when Mr.Hubby comes to our home we are happy to see him, not realizing 1st is missing him greatly. She sees how oblivious we are to her pain in every little thing we do and it frustrates her . She doesn’t believe we will ever get her, and that living together would mean she’d have to sacrifice too much of herself in order to make it work..

Once and for all

So I have been receiving loads of emails and people seem to be curious about who I am, where I am from, when I became 3rd, what my religion is...the 411

Ok, I decided to write and tell you about me, so when I get new requests in my mailbox I can forward the URL of this post.. (and be done with it) :)

First of why the secrecy?
For me to be truly honest and vulnerable - which is my aim - I have to feel secure enough about my anonymity…

I do live this life in secrecy and for now wish to keep it this way. People do not tend to approve of polygyny, I don't know who is reading this and what they will think of me - so the less I share in terms of details the better.

My sisterwives don't know I am writing this blog and since they have no chance to approve of it I feel I have to be careful not to spill their personal life on the web for everyone to read.

..

What is my faith?
I believe in God – in His Oneness and in His Devine Decree. For me it’s a fact that most His Prophets and Saints lived polygyny. I hope not to get involved in a religious debate with any of you reading this humble little blog. So for me, this is the core of things and I feel any labeling or categorizing is unnecessary. Faith in itself is something which resides in the heart, and I wish to keep mine there - hidden, safe and precious.
..
How Mr.Hubby and I met
Since we shared the same belief and I knew polygyny was part of this belief, and since we connected… we allowed for the connection to evolve. So I did not become religious because of him. He came after.
..
Why I felt this was right for me…
This is a topic for several posts actually. In the beginning I just felt that since it was the lifestyle of Prophets and most of their followers, it had to be better than monogamy - even though I did not really understand why or how. So one might say it was a leap of faith. Now I clearly see I benefit from being in this union. I am such a different and more grown person than I would have ever been in a monogamous marriage…
..
Would I recommend this for other women?
Yes, BUT – make sure you are entering for Him not for the one with the small h. Any man has flaws and in polygyny all his flaws will become supersized and thrown in your face, even on a daily basis. If he is somewhat of an egoist, you will see so much egoism in his dealings with you. It will drive you nuts. You have to be able to step aside and wonder what this situation is supposed to teach you and why. Otherwise you will find yourself wondering whether you are crazy for choosing to live this life. I sometimes still do, and that’s when my beliefs helps me through.
..
Do I feel guilty towards the other wives?
When they are hurting – yes. I wonder what I might have done differently to make it easier on them and to what extent it was my responsibility to make sure Mr.Hubby acted differently or more kindly towards them. In general however I feel happy and guilt free so to say, since there is really nothing about my relationship with Mr.Hubby to feel guilty for.
..
As for my age - I am close to 30… hmmmm, that number came way to soon.
And I have been a 3rd for about five years now!
No kids yet.
We each have our own house, we all work, my sisterwives are cool, we meet and chat often, we fight also...
and I guess the rest you can read on the blog!