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My last post resulted in a lot of comments and I just now read through all of them. I was away for the weekend, with Mr.Hubby and 4th, visiting some friends - who know about our lifestyle and are on the same path in terms of faith but are not polygynous themselves. It was a nice time, though 4th started squeaking again - I have a new nickname for her.. you know how Barb in Big Love is called Boss Lady by Nicki.. I call 4th Boss Baby now..
The comments on my previous post came dropping in slowly on my cell during the weekend and I read some when I had the chance, others I read now. Donald, it’s strange that we are that much on the same page without even knowing each other. Thank you for the elaborate comment, you said what I was thinking when reading anonymous’ words.. I am always pleasantly surprised when I find out I have male readers – and then to find out I have great male readers – even nicer.
Secrecy, I have mixed feelings about living in it, but I fundamentally disagree with the notion that it is by default wrong – for many different reasons…
In our particular case 1st’s kids are even demanding it from us. They have loads of friends and are the popular kids in school so they demand that our lifestyle be a secret. They do not want to be ridiculed, out casted or isolated because of this.
Someone asked whether we are confronted with social isolation – no we are not, though I think we would be, were we open about it. We know different families that live in polygyny, though all of them are far away and we meet them once in a while. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. One of these families also consists of four wives and many children. They have chosen to be honest about their lifestyle, and that has come with consequences. They have had family members break all ties, they have been rejected by neighbors, they have had difficulty finding jobs. The kids are happy I would say, but they have only each other. They are a bit like hippies in mainstream society - everyone looks at them funny. It works for them they say, but 1st does not want this lifestyle, 1st’s kids do not even want to consider it, and I really wonder whether that would be that much better.
Honesty can be selfish sometimes. Sometimes we want to be released from this burden of secrecy and then it seems so much better to just tell the world. But is it worth the pain I would be inflicting on my relatives? Telling them about this would be like dropping a bomb.. is that really in their benefit, or in mine? Is it really in our kids’ benefit if they can tell honestly about daddy having more wives? Will they not be faced with much bullying if we allow them to be honest? Will they resent us for not teaching them to keep it to themselves, for not telling them the truth about how the outside world thinks of us?
From a religious perspective, I also don’t agree with the notion that we need to be honest all the time. I dislike religious debates, and I’m writing this with some hesitation, since I foresee tons of comments with quotes from religious texts, debates between readers and the like.. but I will write my point of view anyway. If you pertain to an Abrahamic religion you will know that the Jews kept their faith in Moses a secret under the rule of the Pharaoh, that the Christians kept their faith a secret during the Roman empire, that the Muslims kept their faith a secret while still living in Mecca. Abraham himself said that Sarah was his sister when they entered a foreign kingdom, out of fear of being slain. All of them were practicing their religious beliefs openly when they had their own societies, their own rules and regulations, or were in an environment which was accepting of their faith.
Were we living in a society in which polygyny was normal, or even allowed, there would be no excuse for keeping secrets, I agree with that. However in this society, it’s naive to claim all should be in the open. Donald was right when he said “If 'Anonymous', who claims to 'have nothing against plural marriages', can judge your lifestyle with such venom, I can only imagine what comments you might get from someone who does have something against it!” That’s also my reply to anonymous – your comment just affirmed my belief that keeping this lifestyle a secret is better – is protective of my family – though it’s hard.
The comments on my previous post came dropping in slowly on my cell during the weekend and I read some when I had the chance, others I read now. Donald, it’s strange that we are that much on the same page without even knowing each other. Thank you for the elaborate comment, you said what I was thinking when reading anonymous’ words.. I am always pleasantly surprised when I find out I have male readers – and then to find out I have great male readers – even nicer.
Secrecy, I have mixed feelings about living in it, but I fundamentally disagree with the notion that it is by default wrong – for many different reasons…
In our particular case 1st’s kids are even demanding it from us. They have loads of friends and are the popular kids in school so they demand that our lifestyle be a secret. They do not want to be ridiculed, out casted or isolated because of this.
Someone asked whether we are confronted with social isolation – no we are not, though I think we would be, were we open about it. We know different families that live in polygyny, though all of them are far away and we meet them once in a while. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. One of these families also consists of four wives and many children. They have chosen to be honest about their lifestyle, and that has come with consequences. They have had family members break all ties, they have been rejected by neighbors, they have had difficulty finding jobs. The kids are happy I would say, but they have only each other. They are a bit like hippies in mainstream society - everyone looks at them funny. It works for them they say, but 1st does not want this lifestyle, 1st’s kids do not even want to consider it, and I really wonder whether that would be that much better.
Honesty can be selfish sometimes. Sometimes we want to be released from this burden of secrecy and then it seems so much better to just tell the world. But is it worth the pain I would be inflicting on my relatives? Telling them about this would be like dropping a bomb.. is that really in their benefit, or in mine? Is it really in our kids’ benefit if they can tell honestly about daddy having more wives? Will they not be faced with much bullying if we allow them to be honest? Will they resent us for not teaching them to keep it to themselves, for not telling them the truth about how the outside world thinks of us?
From a religious perspective, I also don’t agree with the notion that we need to be honest all the time. I dislike religious debates, and I’m writing this with some hesitation, since I foresee tons of comments with quotes from religious texts, debates between readers and the like.. but I will write my point of view anyway. If you pertain to an Abrahamic religion you will know that the Jews kept their faith in Moses a secret under the rule of the Pharaoh, that the Christians kept their faith a secret during the Roman empire, that the Muslims kept their faith a secret while still living in Mecca. Abraham himself said that Sarah was his sister when they entered a foreign kingdom, out of fear of being slain. All of them were practicing their religious beliefs openly when they had their own societies, their own rules and regulations, or were in an environment which was accepting of their faith.
Were we living in a society in which polygyny was normal, or even allowed, there would be no excuse for keeping secrets, I agree with that. However in this society, it’s naive to claim all should be in the open. Donald was right when he said “If 'Anonymous', who claims to 'have nothing against plural marriages', can judge your lifestyle with such venom, I can only imagine what comments you might get from someone who does have something against it!” That’s also my reply to anonymous – your comment just affirmed my belief that keeping this lifestyle a secret is better – is protective of my family – though it’s hard.
I hope to work towards informing and being open to a few close family members of which I expect acceptance. Maybe not about polygyny at first, but at least about Mr.Hubby and then maybe work towards being open about polygyny someday. I’ll talk about this with Mr.Hubby and with my sisterwives, since it involves all of us eventually. Still the challenges with the kids would remain.. it’s just hard.