Poised Heart

Various thoughts have been running through my mind in the past few days, I’m trying to get them on paper..

Hidden Sage emailed me today that the most important trait of our ego is most often the one that we are most pleased with or the one we take pride in. I have been thinking about this, and I am realizing that it really might be true.

I appreciate the peace and safety of my inner world…I am happy to be a pleasant yet poised person and that I always do my best to keep my word - which might be described as reliable or trustworthy. And now I am thinking that there might indeed be some drawbacks to these characteristics.

I think my main fear is giving my heart to people. Yes, I think that is the hardest thing for me. So being poised might actually be the result of the emotional detachment.. All the caretakers I have had in my childhood were taken from me, or I was taken from them. You know I never hugged anyone – I mean really I felt disgusted on some level to hug people … then my first boyfriend hugged me, it was such an amazing feeling. I totally gave my heart to him and he wasn’t worth it, which was a harsh experience and that’s an understatement. I never felt such desperation again.

I’ve talked to Mr.Hubby about this in the beginning of our relationship. I told him that I didn’t feel such an emotional dependency with him as I did during my first relationship. I wondered whether that was something to worry about.. but he never felt like it was. I get it now, my love for Mr.Hubby is not just insane craving for love and attention, like it was with my first love, but I wonder if I am not still shutting him out in some way, I wonder if he doesn’t deserve more than my poised and dreamy self..

I guess I deserve more than my poised self

And fear… fear is nothing else than lack of faith. Don’t you think? Who would fear to give their heart when they know that their Lord is the guardian of it? I try to keep my heart for My Lord, but what if what I am actually doing is guarding my heart safely – thus not giving it in the Hands of the Lord?

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The rollercoaster...

I promised I would write more about my insights but caught up in work so didn't really get the time to write again. It's tough, this blog thing. Almost like a real relationship..I feel guilty leaving you guys without any news or updates. And maybe you don't even bother..

Well, there have been some intense talks in our family, brace yourself, it’s huge. 2nd is struggling with a major issues from her childhood – abuse issues - for which she is getting counseling. Sometimes she becomes very depressed, sometimes extremely aggressive, sometimes I lose track of what the problem is and focus on the stuff she is saying instead of the things that I know are the real issues. She has been denying the real impact of everything she's been through in her youth, and I think that due to the struggles of polygyny, she came to a point when she just felt she needed to get help. I have figured out that sharing Mr.Hubby is a lot harder for her than for us. It also explains the enormous amount of jealousy she used to have when I first entered. Just yesterday I understood that often she is fighting thoughts of Mr.Hubby being a lust obsessed pervert who sleeps around. And she said crying that she knows he is not, but that she gets surges of mistrust and pain and deceit from her childhood that come haunting her in her life as it is now.

She also explained that it’s been due to counseling that she was able to find a way to explain herself. In the past she might have got angry without being able to explain why. Now she said she understands that she interprets a lot of situations as threatening, and then she reacts in the way she wanted to react but couldn’t when she was a child and that trusted person destroyed her childhood over and over again.

I am wondering sometimes what the reason is we are all together in one family unit. Maybe helping her through this will be one of the reasons. Somehow because of all of this I feel closer to our family. I feel a need to help and support her. It makes me forget the differences we have and try and think of how we can be better sisters to each other.

I hope you guys forgive me for the absence here on the blog. Work and intense home issues just leave me exhausted at the end of the day.. so it's been hard to write.