Dear 3rd, my husband wants another woman, should I agree to it?

It's been ages since I have written on this blog. Every now and then - maybe a few times a year - I open up my mailbox just out of curiosity. Interestingly enough people still email me regularly. They ask for advice or sometimes want me to be part of some television show on polygamy. (Sorry tv-folks; not going to happen.)

A question I have received often comes from women who are asking for advice whether or not they should agree to their husband taking on another wife. I am sure many women point blank refuse such a thought from their husband. The ones that email me are usually struggling, they are not sure whether to be open to the idea or not.

So if you are in this situation - and you are wondering what to do - I have no clear cut answer, but the only thing I can do is give you some ideas to consider.

Usually the women see certain benefits in the arrangement.

_ someone to help out around the house and with the kids

sounds appealing right?...someone to help out with the task of taking care of the household, bringing kids to soccer practice, cleaning up some of the mess

_ someone to be friends with and confide in

wouldn't it be great to have someone who completely agrees that your husband is being insensitive and helps you fight some of the battles you have with him, so he will end up more considerate?

_someone who keeps the husband satisfied se.xually

after years of marriage some women don't have the energy to be as physically intimate with their husbands as they were in the beginning, to an extent they like the thought of someone else taking some of this pressure off of them

Now, I can see all these points, and I am sure there are polygynous relationships in which the women actually experience these benefits. But there is a big thing missing in these considerations...
What will the second wife want out of the arrangement?
And what will the husband want out of the arrangement?

Before making a decision you have to consider the second wife's point of view.
She probably doesn't feel like she has been put on earth to make your life easier and unburden you. And no matter how selfless an act you are performing by allowing her to step into your relationship with your husband, she will want a relationship of her own with him. She will want to be treated as an equal, and not as someone who is there to give you and your husband room to breathe.

This is a basic human need, and as a woman you should respect that.

Once you allow her in, you will have to SHARE. If you are ok with that, if you are ok with making arrangements during the holidays on who gets quality time with him when, who gets what weekend days with him when, if you are ok with her having kids of her own and you will be understanding that her kids will need just as much time with their dad as your kids do... if you realize that she is her own person with her own points of view that will be different from yours ... then ok - you may potentially be ready to reap the benefits of polygyny.

But there is still your husband's point of view to consider.
I know many people look down on this way of life and say that the husband is just exploiting the women, he is some per.vert or whatever... All bs if you ask me. It is perfectly normal for a very decent and kind guy to think of other women and maybe even to want to take care of more than one woman and more than one family.

Sure some men may be driven to this because they are sexually frustrated. In that case they may end up bringing in a second wife which doesn't share any of the values that you do. Men's ability to reject women and be selective is limited at that point. This second wife he brings in may be insecure, needy, ready to accept you as part of the relationship only because she thinks she can make him leave you in the end and choose her instead... Beware of your husband's ability to choose carefully... it may become a nightmare if he introduces a bad sample.

Now let's assume you have a decent and caring guy who is simply very honest about his internal desires and wants to offer both you and another woman a good life.
Understand that he will be choosing a wife. He is not choosing a person to help you in the household and change nappies of your babies. If that were the case you would be looking at news paper ads for homemakers. Nope.. he will chose someone he is physically and emotionally attracted to and that will be visible to you. You know your husband better than anyone else. Do you really think you won't be confronted with these emotions which will start to develop in both of them?
Be ready to deal with a husband that will be in a happy pinky place, a bit distracted, and giddy. That can be utterly annoying if you are stressed out and feeling alone.

You may be reading this and thinking - I can accept this in principle. I can understand my husband's needs and also the second wife's needs. I think I can do this.

Then hey - live and prosper! :)

I personally don't believe I could have done this without faith. You know, we are all mortals, flawed, ego-driven and ego-centric. My husband has hurt me many times, as well as my sister-wives. And I have hurt them. On some occasions it has been really rough. There were times with very little communication between us sister wives. Or periods of time when we were all upset with our husband and he was getting troubles in any home he went to.
Whoever has read through my blog has seen some of that in the posts.
I don't think I would have stuck through it if I didn't believe it served a bigger purpose. If I didn't believe this is where God wanted me to be.
That has been my way of going through all of this and finally - as my last post said - getting undefined by the situation. I am a wife of my husband. The whole 3rd thing really doesn't matter.
And my sisterwives are his wives too.
Their numbers don't matter either.

I hope whatever you chose to do, that you are honest with yourself. Never let a man drag you into a situation where you feel you are crossing your own boundaries. We should never let people bully us into anything. And we should definitely not be married to someone who pushes us to do stuff we feel uncomfortable with. If you want to explore this way of life, do it at your pace. He wants something from you right? Then he better let you decide the pace.

Good luck to all,
and if you want to email me or comment on this - feel free to do so. I may reply some months later, but your message WILL be read. :)

Love
3rd (who doesn't care she is 3rd anymore :p)

the rollercoaster

I was gone for work to a different country. Mr.Hubby and I kept in touch during that time, and I texted him when I was boarding the flight home, and when I landed. But it so happened that he hadn’t turned on his phone for two days.. he is not sure why he forgot about it. So he was oblivious to the fact that I landed.
I went home, went to bed, jetlagged, slept for six hours straight then all of a sudden he entered the room. All surprised to find me there, he blamed me for not making him aware of the fact that I was home. That resulted in an argument.

Then he figured 1st would be steaming by then since she wasn’t able to reach him for two days straight, he went away without resolving anything with me and had a major fight there.

The next day it was my turn and he came to me. I was really pissed off, but we talked about it and then all was fine again.

He decided to go over to 2nd’s home and stay the night there the next day. She still is not on the schedule so he goes there a few times a week. Since she is not on the schedule by her own request he planned on sleeping on the sofa in the living room, which totally upset her, and they spent that night and the next day in full blown arguments. 2nd called 4th up afterwards to pour her heart out about the pain she’s in and how she feels, resulting in 4th having an argument with Mr.Hubby on 2nd’s behalf two days later, adding to the argument some of her own issues.

Then again my night came, and due to some changes to the schedule 4th’s day was the next day and we have this agreement that breakfast time he’s at the wife’s home whose day it is. He was quite exhausted and slept in a bit and was I’d say half an hour later than usual, when 4th started ringing my doorbell continuously as a lunatic. Till I opened up in my pj’s asking what was the matter, I found a straight from the hood attitude in front me asking me if we forgot it was her day. I told her he is coming down now, at which she left in full fury. They ended up having this major fight, stuff was thrown around the home apparently, she fully lost it, and he fully lost it.

Afterwards 4th called 2nd to now return the favor and pour her heart out at which 2nd ended up having a fight with Mr.Hubby on 4th’s behalf, adding some of her own pain and problems to the table as well obviously.

So if anyone is wondering why it always takes me a while to post stuff it’s because there is always a lot going on and often I am exhausted. Because even if I am not present at all these arguments I get to talk about the issues with Mr.Hubby or with one of the other wives…

There is no particular reason why I decided to write this down. I think it’s important for you guys to know I am not forgetting about the blog, and I think it’s important for men wanting polygyny to know what the drawbacks are.

Polygyny Hardships

I came across another polygyny blog Polygamy411, from a first wife, Muslim family, and the story could not be more different from Megan's... Any man considering taking up a second wife, I would strongly advise you to read this blog - all its entries - as it will give you an idea of why I keep repeating that polygyny is hard, and the multiple s.exual partners really doesn't compensate for its burdens.

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Just a very tiny exceprt from a blog with numerous posts filled with similar pain and devastation:

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My calls to Alex during his nights with Carolinah went from pitiful to hateful. That is what I did every night on her nights. I left terrible, profane, abusive messages for Alex. He always answered the phone and spoke with me until my conversation went from being cordial to offensive.

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Similar things happened with 1st in the initial phase of my marriage to Mr.Hubby.. she used to call in the morning - sometimes him - sometimes me - argue over the weirdest things. Sometimes she would call during the night, sobbing on the phone.. She went through similar feelings when 2nd en 4th entered. It always made me wonder whether I needed to step out of the marriage. I was wondering whether I was really being a good believer by staying while I knew she was in such pain. And 2nd was in a lot of pain as well when I entered though she didn't call on my nights, we argued whenever we met, and she argued and screamed and yelled at Mr.Hubby as well. It just made me wonder whether this was all really meant to be.

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Mr.Hubby always said to give it time, to be understanding and forgiving for everything, to try and be sisters to each other.. He pushed us to keep communicating. He was more on top of the situation than Alex in the Polygamy411 blog. And here the role of the husband becomes very evident:

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So one evening while having a pleasant conversation with Alex, he said he would be away on a business trip for a few days. I said, Oh, OK, so you’ll be back home such and such a day. (He was scheduled to be with Carolinah for the next three nights before his business trip. So I surmised that upon his return from the three day trip, he’d be with me three nights.) To my surprise, the date he said he’d be back was like nine days later. That just didn’t add up to me…Three days with Carolinah, three days business trip, back to me. I asked, “Are you telling me that I lose my days, as you’ll be on a business trip when I’m scheduled? He said, “Yes.”
Naturally, I totally lost it, freeeeked right on out! I said, “No. After the business trip you come back here for my three days. I asked, “Are you crazy?” He said he didn’t know. He seemed very sincere. I said, “If you can’t figure out a simple schedule, you don’t need to be in polygamy.” He said he didn’t try to take my days deliberately. He just didn’t know how it was supposed to work. He said he went online to try to find out, but there wasn’t a whole lot of information out there about it. I yelled, “Well yeah, that’s because there’s not a whole lot of people out there doing it!”

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A husband needs to be on top of the situation.

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Lies and Polygyny

My feet are killing me today. I am wearing my new heels to work and it might just be that they will die off before the end of the day.
Besides this very interesting news, I am doing great. I saw a beautiful autumn landscape. Trees with deep red, yellow and green colors, combined in such a wonderful fashion with a light blue sky at the background, it just made my heart melt. Were it not for a few buildings popping up in between, your usual electricity lines, it would have been perfect, absolutely perfect. Man built structures just mess up the scenery if you ask me..

I posted about my issues with secrecy and how it makes me sad when I think of having kids. It made me think about what’s the hardest thing about polygyny. Polygyny issues are really not that much about jealousy at the end I’d say. I mean, ok, so Mr.Hubby sleeps with three other women. Do I think about this? No, I don’t.
I did in the beginning. I wondered how it was possible for him to love more than one woman at the same time. I wondered how he could share such intimacies and not be a liar to someone. I wondered if he compared us to one another. But I noticed that he actually really doesn’t have these issues - when he’s with me, he’s with me. It was me who was concerned with the other wives, he was genuinely concerned with me. Once I understood that his feelings were true, and that he had good intentions, the whole intimacy thing wasn’t on my mind anymore.

A big problem in polygyny is lies. Husbands that lie to their wives. Mr.Hubby and 2nd lied to 1st. As I wrote before, 1st came with the idea of 2nd marrying Mr.Huby, but had a lot of difficulties once it actually happened. So often they lied about whether or not they saw each other, how often Mr.Hubby came by, whether or not 2nd bought nice clothes, whether or not she bought Mr.Hubby presents.
Even though they got past that point now, it’s still something 1st can become upset about when she thinks of it. She told me once that she surprised 2nd by coming to her home with a cake – as a girlfriend thing – let’s have a chocolate rush and watch a soap together – then she found that there were candles lit up everywhere and 2nd was acting all nervous. This while Mr.Hubby said he was going to visit a male friend of his.

It’s painful to have to deal with lies. However, had 1st been truly accepting of 2nd having a relationship with Mr.Hubby there would have been no need to lie at the first place. 1st would demand from 2nd to give up her rights on time because they were close friends and because 2nd knew 1st needed Mr.Hubby and the kids needed their dad. If 2nd dressed up 1st would blame her for trying to attract the attention of Mr.Hubby while he needed to keep his focus on his family. It was no way of living life would 2nd and Mr.Hubby have done everything 1st had demanded. So can one blame Mr.Hubby and 2nd? I don’t know. Maybe they lied too often at times, maybe 2nd wasn’t considerate enough of 1st and was at times just plain selfish at wanting time with Mr.Hubby and then lied to make it possible. Blame is surely on both sides..

I think lies make it hard to make polygyny work. Any polygny blog you read – lies is what most often results in problems. Once lies are not an issue, as I’d say they are not anymore in our family, it’s gets easier.. So at first all need to be on board, truly on board, with a new wife. Then there needs to be honesty.

A test of trustworthiness

I have been trying to deepen my understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, since I made the intention to try and be with others the way I wish for them to be with me.
Now some small thing happened and I still haven’t quite figured out what a true trustworthy person would do.. I had an appointment with Mr.Hubby for a cup of coffee not too far from 4th’s home - since it was her day and he was going to go there afterwards for dinner.

My talk with him is not the subject of this post but just to share: Mr.Hubby said that he was feeling very tired since it seems that when everything is fine with one wife he gets into a quarrel with the other, and then the cycle starts all over again with the four of us. He said that he felt like he was constantly busy extinguishing small fires instead of reaching certain long term goals, and he expressed the hope that we would finally commit to a life together as a true family, instead of our continuous small bickering... It was a tough conversation as I felt that lot of our problems have to do with his insensitivity in our affairs, but in general I do agree with him and do understand where he’s coming from. He just wants a loving and true family and some time to look forward..

After an hour we said goodbye and I went home and when I looked at my cell I saw two missed calls from 4th. So I called back and found her very cold and annoyed on the phone. She said that she just called to fix an appointment for the weekend – so we did – and then she asked if I left work just now, so I told her I was almost at home. Then we hung up. The words exchanged were little but to me they said a lot... She had tried to reach Mr.Hubby and found no answer, then she tried to reach me just to see if I would answer the phone. When I didn’t, she knew I was with him and got pissed. Then he called back to tell he was on his way and no doubt soon after I returned her call as well. And just to be sure she asked if I was leaving work… She did not share this with me, but I knew it.

I knew all of this already when I saw the two missed calls. I knew all of this in my heart and it made me pissed off to hear her annoyed and cold tone of voice. I was so busy with work these last weeks that he spent ample time with her on my days..so why bother if I sit for an hour and have a cup of coffee with him? Why not just be generous and be happy that I finally could?

While I was walking home I wondered what would a trustworthy person do? To honor my intention, what should I have done?

Green Dreams

I had this weird dream a few days back. I dreamt that I was talking to Mr.Hubby and 4th. Both of them happened to tell me about a vacation they went to. Since the dates coincided of both their vacations - I of course figured they went on that trip together. And I posed the question in my dream: how peculiar that your holidays just happened to be exactly in the same week.. :)

It ended up that they had indeed taken a short trip together and me tripping at them for keeping stupid secrets and not being able to deal with things in the way adults do...

How annoyingly blunt dreams can be! Just when I thought the whole jealousy thing was pretty much out the door there comes the reality-check in my dream!

I havent’t had any dreams like this for more three years now..what a bummer!