The pursuit of happiness and true goals

I have small eyes today. Very small eyes, and they burn as well.. I stayed up till way too late with Mr.Hubby, talking talking, and some love-making, and talking.. and so I slept little.

Talking with Mr.Hubby is the best.

I love it.

I’ll write down some stuff – all of it would be too much..

The most important thing for me was that we talked about the fact that I find life boring sometimes. There are things that interest me and make me happy, but overall I find it quite meaningless to wake up every day and work and run a household, and repeat a routine. I think that it might change when I become a mom, because being responsible for kids will make me want to face every new day, but the worst thing would be if I became a mom and I’d still experience a sense of purposelessness. I am really yearning for some spiritual nearness, something real.
Mr.Hubby said that I could be compared to Little Rebel if he were asking about what it means to be a dad. He’d think it means paying bills, or having a wife, or playing with kids, while the whole concept of carrying the responsibility of fatherhood is something which is too vague for him to grasp. Mr.Hubby said he thinks I have read a lot about spirituality so that my gaze is fixed on that horizon which makes me forget what I need to do to get there. I just keep staring to that distance and am oblivious to my inability to carry it.

I asked him what it was that I needed to focus on right now, and he said ‘being aware of God’s presence in your life at all times, in good and in bad. Being aware of His Will over all things.’ He said it’s such an easy thing to say, but a very difficult thing to practice and that not one of us can be granted any trusts until we prove we can carry His Will. Otherwise we are bound to make the same mistake the devil made when he was still in paradise and was unwilling to accept Adam. He opposed Devine Will in a split second, and that was enough to get him thrown out of Devine Presence to be cursed forever more. Now we oppose Devine Will all the time. So how can we be let into that Devine Presence in such a state…

Yeah… I am far away from servanthood.

But a lot of things click in my mind right now. Like people in nice suits and bright cufflinks that seem very respectable, but just become terrible while in traffic. So much anger and animosity comes from people in such small moments when another person behaves in a way that is unexpected or deemed wrong.. Yet we uphold this image of civilization, of good behavior. Even to ourselves.
And it makes sense why people can become monsters in monstrous situations, like those of war or when they are simply given the power or possibility to be in that way.

Mr.Hubby said that we are placed here on earth with a yearning for paradise, we are originally creatures of paradise, that is our home, not this life. Our souls have a deep yearning for it. And we sense that, we have a feeling of emptiness and longing here in this life. And since our reality is veiled to us and we do not remember our origins, we look around thinking ‘maybe having this or that will make me happy, maybe being married will make me happy, maybe being single will make me happy, maybe doing yoga will give me that inner peace’. We are in continuous search of fulfillment and it is not to be found in anything earthly. Not in a truly lasting way at least.

This life is more like a big cleaning exercise. All the weed growing around our hearts which is making us impure needs to be cut away. So that we may be deserving of our grants. And not be deceived like Adam and Eve were deceived to disobey just one simple order ‘not to eat from that tree’. All of paradise was available to them and was made lawful to them. All of it; and it must have been splendid. Just one, such simple rule, and they were bound to disobey it.

So we are put in hardships, sickness comes to us, people hurt us, we experience loss, tragedies, just to make us to bow down. And if we do not manage in this life, we are cleaned further in the grave, and then if needed during the Day of Resurrection, and then if still needed in Hell.

I am praying to get there in this life. But I keep getting upset about everything that happens which bothers me. I have moments in which I can brush everything off my shoulders and say ‘He knows best and I am happy’ and in those moments everything opens up and goes my way. However most of the time I just keep battling people and keep battling life. Keep getting upset about how everyone behaves..

I am hoping that by writing this down I will remember my goals better. Maybe read back once in a while as a reminder. So this piece of text is as much for myself as it is for you guys.

How restraint is a blessing

I got this awesome piece of text in my mailbox.. the author isn't mentioned, but I couldn't deprive you of it.

We pray to our Lord to lift the heaviness off our hearts: and no one can lift those burdens except He Alone. Nowadays , huge industries have been built up whose only function is to provide diversion and amusement for people. Indeed, most industry falls under this category: the product that sells is not simply the one that fulfills a need, but the one that diverts people from the awareness of their misery – thus, television , videos, sports cars, fashions, games, etc. etc. are the new necessities of life.

All of these products of diversion have to compete with each other to gain their portion of the market, thus, another huge industry: Advertising. So, as we drive through the streets, beautiful people with clean white smiles come to meet us from their billboards and testify that , if only we buy such – and – such a product, we will look as good as they do, and always be surrounded by other beautiful people. The same is true of television ads: all are happy and laughing people.

But he to who God has granted penetrating vision may observe that these people are smiling the ‘smile of the skeleton’, the smile which always appears on skulls: all is just show, inside of themselves they are empty. What people call pleasure is only a kind of forced enjoyment.

Very young people may perhaps really feel enjoyment, as everything new is tasteful, but as they continue on this way, more and more they feel boredom setting in, that pleasure becoming but a routine. As a result they go further and further on the same way, to see if they can outrace the shadow of routine that makes all pleasures tasteless. Though they cannot win this race, they keep on running, progressing towards extremes of stimulation, but still feeling no pleasure. This disappointment and the consequent misery result from the mistaken assumption that ‘more is better’. For example, a spoonful of honey is sweeter than a cupful which will only make you sick. But because the philosophy of endless greed is now the common creed, people think that finding a beehive would be their greatest fortune. How wrong they are!

Oh people who claim to possess understanding, you must understand that Your Lord has placed a hindrance before the fulfillment of some of your desires only for your own good, not because He enjoys depriving you of something good. If something is prohibited by religion it is only because that so-called pleasure is a trap to catch you into suffering