So about that rant

To my previous post Donald and Anonymous posted some good questions.. I wanted to address them before moving on to a new topic. You see, that article bothered me for multiple reasons, the main one being that I find more and more that sess is being reduced to a mere physical act. And we teach this to our youngsters through media. And it really isn’t a physical act – it’s about intimacy and love. As the name sais actually..

What this article suggested is that if your love life has gotten a little dull you should try a new position, buy some toys, introduce new partners even.. While, when there is a lack of emotional intimacy between two people then their intimate life will not feel as warm, passionate and satisfying as it first did. The problem is really emotional and has nothing to do with where you put your leg, whether you are flexible enough, and whether you do the same thing every time you are together.

Now I hate the fact that we portray sess as so emotionless to our youngsters. It results in girls doing stuff which they actually do not feel completely comfortable with, but which they believe is the way it should be. I hate the fact that in the article all the girls were reluctant but then eventually consented. Young girls reading the article will end up doing the same.. it’s not much different from girls being seduced into getting paid for sess. It still happens to too many teenage girls. They get an older boyfriend, he convinces them to sleep with a friend of his, then he convinces them that getting paid for it is really not a big deal. Before they even realize they have been seduced to something they never wanted or wished. Why not teach young girls to listen to their instincts and be brave enough to say “this is what I like, this is what I feel comfortable with, take it or leave it”. There is no need to compromise your own self for the sake of another’s lusts.. where do you draw the line then? If there is anything I am happy to have learned in the course of my young life than it would be to trust my inner voice, and be brave enough to express it.

Now men are by nature more sessually driven. So I recognize that a lot of men want more sess and are often frustrated when they are married, they get kids, and their wife is too exhausted to look after them.

That’s why I feel so happy with Mr.Hubby. He never places any demands on me because he’s fine. If I am exhausted, I can feel exhausted and be exhausted and sleep without feeling guilty about leaving him in the cold. That is what I meant when I said that it’s all about me. I don’t need to do anything which I don’t feel like because he has no thirst for more or different.. so intimacy is really about intimacy and it’s absolutely suited to what I need or want.

Rants.. what happened with sessual revolution?

So I bought this fashion magazine to catch up on the latest styles, even though I don't follow any trends sometimes it's nice to see what the fashion guru’s have come up with for the season. Very naively I started reading the articles as well, which I usually skip, I just check the pics, there's no interesting things to read in fashion magazine's anyway I believe.. Well! Boy was I shocked!

The title of the piece was something like “sometimes it’s good to try something new”. And basically it told the story of a few women who tried out new things – sessually. All the story lines went like this – I had been with my boyfriend / husband for 3 / 5 years and he had often made comments or jokes about us doing a tre-some / switching partners with friends / trying out sesstoys etc. I never thought much about it, but after a while he really became serious about the issue and I understood that it was something that he really wanted. I was wary at first but decided to at least give it a try and see what it was like before judging about it.
Eventually every one of them had tried what their partner wanted of them and had had a good time, and all of them said well, it was a onetime thing, and they weren’t really planning on making it a habit, but who knows..

And I was like WTF???

So my 15 year old cousin could buy this piece of crap and read it? What the F is wrong with these people?

I was so amazed. I mean in EVERY story line the guy came with the request and the girl just went along with it reluctantly. Since when did the sessual revolution end being about doing exactly that which pleases you the most, and it became about doing whatever the man finds pleasing?

The even more insane thing is, that each and every one of these women would look at me and feel sorry for me, because I am sharing my husband with three other women. They would feel like I am doing something to please him, and am thus sacrificing something of myself. The truth is that I never experience any of this sh!t which I just read. He never ever puts any demands on me in these terms. There is no need to try out new stuff. Intimacy is all about ME, whatever I want, whatever I wish. If it may be a good night sleep - I get a spoony behind me and it’s fine.

What a relief…

PS. I say sess with double s because I don't want any unwanted Ads popping up.. ;)

The rollercoaster...

I promised I would write more about my insights but caught up in work so didn't really get the time to write again. It's tough, this blog thing. Almost like a real relationship..I feel guilty leaving you guys without any news or updates. And maybe you don't even bother..

Well, there have been some intense talks in our family, brace yourself, it’s huge. 2nd is struggling with a major issues from her childhood – abuse issues - for which she is getting counseling. Sometimes she becomes very depressed, sometimes extremely aggressive, sometimes I lose track of what the problem is and focus on the stuff she is saying instead of the things that I know are the real issues. She has been denying the real impact of everything she's been through in her youth, and I think that due to the struggles of polygyny, she came to a point when she just felt she needed to get help. I have figured out that sharing Mr.Hubby is a lot harder for her than for us. It also explains the enormous amount of jealousy she used to have when I first entered. Just yesterday I understood that often she is fighting thoughts of Mr.Hubby being a lust obsessed pervert who sleeps around. And she said crying that she knows he is not, but that she gets surges of mistrust and pain and deceit from her childhood that come haunting her in her life as it is now.

She also explained that it’s been due to counseling that she was able to find a way to explain herself. In the past she might have got angry without being able to explain why. Now she said she understands that she interprets a lot of situations as threatening, and then she reacts in the way she wanted to react but couldn’t when she was a child and that trusted person destroyed her childhood over and over again.

I am wondering sometimes what the reason is we are all together in one family unit. Maybe helping her through this will be one of the reasons. Somehow because of all of this I feel closer to our family. I feel a need to help and support her. It makes me forget the differences we have and try and think of how we can be better sisters to each other.

I hope you guys forgive me for the absence here on the blog. Work and intense home issues just leave me exhausted at the end of the day.. so it's been hard to write.

Back Online!

Thanks to Sage and UA-R for house sitting.. very nice of you guys! :)

I was offline - on a VERY nice holiday. It was awesome. No phone, no email, no laptop and no TV! The world is such a different place then. All of sudden there are oceans of time. Just how much time do we spend watching useless tv-shows?! I do ... guilty ... yes. Must confess.

Will definitely write soon about some new insights I got during my time away.

Post ya soon.

It's been great

Ok, I was offline for quite some time .. because of good things though, not bad things.

First, I got a promotion at work!! YAAY!! More money, more fun work, more hours to put in though.. (and I was already feeling tired..) but hey, promotion!!

Then, I got money from an unexpected source.. and it's a reasonable sum! WOW! Will give a part to charity and shop till I drop with the rest. LOL

Then, I booked a nice vacation - for which I will be leaving soon.. Can't wait!

Then Obama won the elections! Incredible, wonderful, emotional news! I think Obama is awesome, I so believe every word he sais. I would have never thought I would believe a politician, but he is just so genuine..

And then I had great days with Mr.Hubby. No drama, just nice calm days together.

So it's been great, the Lord just showered me with gift after gift. And I have no idea why, but I am grateful!

A sugercoated alternate reality

I stumbled upon this blog - it's more of a research type of blog - on the merits and disadvantages of a polygynous lifestyle. The last post dealt with the relationship between sisterwives and what the advantages are according to a certain research:

“The significance of kinship among sisterwives is that women who live near female relations reinforce each other and protect each other’s interests, whether emotional, economic, or religious” (Bennion, 1998, pg. 91).

The writer goes on saying:
“I have always thought of the negative, demeaning, aspects of polygyny, but I truly believe that sisterwife relationships are an important positive part of polygyny. This relationship is something that these women do in order to make polygyny work.”

I can’t really say that I feel this strongly about my sisterswives. I like them and admire them in many ways, but to say that having sisterwives around is an advantage of polygyny.. ? In my particular situation I can’t share my issues with my girlfriends since they don’t know about my lifestyle. – Yes, you are all surrogate girlfriends, even the male readers… LOL! – But, if all was in the open, why would one depend on co-wives for friendship?

I’ve noticed that I find it very hard to really open up and form a tight bond with my sisterwives. Somehow I feel like having this tight friendship would be naïve, like we would not be real. I’ve read about sisterwives relationships being really tight, best friend type of thing. It sounds often a bit like the elementary school type of best friend thing, where you think your friend will be your friend forever and ever, and you walk around the school yard hand in hand. Every time I read that, I just get huge question marks… Am I a skeptic or do these women live in some alternate sugarcoated reality of which I am not aware?

I like my sisterwives. Somewhere deep down inside I also love them as good women, even good friends. Each of them, even Baby Boss, have admirable qualities. However each of them also have less admirable qualities, including yours truly. The truth of the matter is that all of us can be selfish and that all of us can be forgetful of each other, which causes us to hurt one another. Can we then be close and trusting if one’s happiness often results in another one’s pain? Can you trust a person when you know that they will hurt you? Can I really look at Baby Boss and say, I know she will start squeaking again and acting all childish and bossy – on my day, thus hurting me since she is depriving me of my needed quality time - and then still consider her my best friend and confide in her, just because I know it is one of her flaws..?

Sometimes it takes so little

The text below is an excerpt of American Muslima Writer's latest post. I found it to be perfect.. enjoy.

The next time I ran into a Jewish person I was then Muslim, wore hijab, and knew a bit more about the differences between our faiths. I was riding the local Tucson bus at sunset to a Hotel where the Muslim community had gathered to raise money to build a new Masjid in town. I got on and sat down in the middle of the bus and sitting opposite from me was a young black man around my age of 18. He was dressed in a classy suit mostly white, and on top of his head wore the traditional Jewish cap. Our eyes met and then glanced off quickly.

We both sat there not quite staring at each other because we were the only traditionally religious people apparent on the bus. I'm sure if a nun had been present there would have been a three way stare. I felt I wanted to start up a religious conversation with this guy and from his furtive glances he did too. Yet we both held back afraid of the same thing... causing a religious misunderstanding....in public. I saw many of the other passengers looking between us both waiting for something to happen and a silent tension practically hummed through the bus.

I saw my stop and pressed the cord button, it chimed and we both stood. We were standing face to face and the temptation to talk grew...."Salaam," he said smiling."Shalom," I replied quickly smiling too. He let me off first and as we stepped off in different directions we were both still smiling. Two simple words conveyed a hope for the future where people could indeed understand the other's beliefs and live in Shalom, in Salaam, in Peace.

Lies and Polygyny

My feet are killing me today. I am wearing my new heels to work and it might just be that they will die off before the end of the day.
Besides this very interesting news, I am doing great. I saw a beautiful autumn landscape. Trees with deep red, yellow and green colors, combined in such a wonderful fashion with a light blue sky at the background, it just made my heart melt. Were it not for a few buildings popping up in between, your usual electricity lines, it would have been perfect, absolutely perfect. Man built structures just mess up the scenery if you ask me..

I posted about my issues with secrecy and how it makes me sad when I think of having kids. It made me think about what’s the hardest thing about polygyny. Polygyny issues are really not that much about jealousy at the end I’d say. I mean, ok, so Mr.Hubby sleeps with three other women. Do I think about this? No, I don’t.
I did in the beginning. I wondered how it was possible for him to love more than one woman at the same time. I wondered how he could share such intimacies and not be a liar to someone. I wondered if he compared us to one another. But I noticed that he actually really doesn’t have these issues - when he’s with me, he’s with me. It was me who was concerned with the other wives, he was genuinely concerned with me. Once I understood that his feelings were true, and that he had good intentions, the whole intimacy thing wasn’t on my mind anymore.

A big problem in polygyny is lies. Husbands that lie to their wives. Mr.Hubby and 2nd lied to 1st. As I wrote before, 1st came with the idea of 2nd marrying Mr.Huby, but had a lot of difficulties once it actually happened. So often they lied about whether or not they saw each other, how often Mr.Hubby came by, whether or not 2nd bought nice clothes, whether or not she bought Mr.Hubby presents.
Even though they got past that point now, it’s still something 1st can become upset about when she thinks of it. She told me once that she surprised 2nd by coming to her home with a cake – as a girlfriend thing – let’s have a chocolate rush and watch a soap together – then she found that there were candles lit up everywhere and 2nd was acting all nervous. This while Mr.Hubby said he was going to visit a male friend of his.

It’s painful to have to deal with lies. However, had 1st been truly accepting of 2nd having a relationship with Mr.Hubby there would have been no need to lie at the first place. 1st would demand from 2nd to give up her rights on time because they were close friends and because 2nd knew 1st needed Mr.Hubby and the kids needed their dad. If 2nd dressed up 1st would blame her for trying to attract the attention of Mr.Hubby while he needed to keep his focus on his family. It was no way of living life would 2nd and Mr.Hubby have done everything 1st had demanded. So can one blame Mr.Hubby and 2nd? I don’t know. Maybe they lied too often at times, maybe 2nd wasn’t considerate enough of 1st and was at times just plain selfish at wanting time with Mr.Hubby and then lied to make it possible. Blame is surely on both sides..

I think lies make it hard to make polygyny work. Any polygny blog you read – lies is what most often results in problems. Once lies are not an issue, as I’d say they are not anymore in our family, it’s gets easier.. So at first all need to be on board, truly on board, with a new wife. Then there needs to be honesty.

Summer storms... :)

I've been visiting my brother for a few days - it's so strange how you can know each other so well but still find out something new about one another when you spend some time together.

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We were driving around the city and somehow we started talking about his girlfriend and how they met etc. He's been with her for about two years now. He then wanted to show me how once in the middle of the night, while he was going out with a friend of his, he decided that he loved her so much that he needed to put it in writing. So we drove to her old home and there it still was, his message, sprayed on a wall which was visible from her bedroom window. It said "one soul, one heart".

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It was very sweet, it made me smile. She's his first love. I think you do such things only for your first love. I asked him what she thought of it when she saw it, and he said that she was so happy that she cried for hours and she hugged him the whole next day... First love - sweet isn't it? I wondered if Mr.Hubby would all of a sudden spray something on a wall outside my bedroom window - what would I feel? I'd probably think it's hilarious. Laugh my socks off..

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In some way I think it's sad that we become older, wiser, and thus more rational. My first love when I was sixteen was without any consideration for myself or my surrounding, it was foolish and intense. It was like a summer storm. Now love is more like spring, it's full of changes, growth, it's deep, it's more real.

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Talking with my brother made me smile inside about my own foolish summer storm. It's like a small jewel I take with me, sometimes I look at it and it radiates a bit of its funny memories my way.

Secrecy

My last post resulted in a lot of comments and I just now read through all of them. I was away for the weekend, with Mr.Hubby and 4th, visiting some friends - who know about our lifestyle and are on the same path in terms of faith but are not polygynous themselves. It was a nice time, though 4th started squeaking again - I have a new nickname for her.. you know how Barb in Big Love is called Boss Lady by Nicki.. I call 4th Boss Baby now..

The comments on my previous post came dropping in slowly on my cell during the weekend and I read some when I had the chance, others I read now. Donald, it’s strange that we are that much on the same page without even knowing each other. Thank you for the elaborate comment, you said what I was thinking when reading anonymous’ words.. I am always pleasantly surprised when I find out I have male readers – and then to find out I have great male readers – even nicer.

Secrecy, I have mixed feelings about living in it, but I fundamentally disagree with the notion that it is by default wrong – for many different reasons…
In our particular case 1st’s kids are even demanding it from us. They have loads of friends and are the popular kids in school so they demand that our lifestyle be a secret. They do not want to be ridiculed, out casted or isolated because of this.

Someone asked whether we are confronted with social isolation – no we are not, though I think we would be, were we open about it. We know different families that live in polygyny, though all of them are far away and we meet them once in a while. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. One of these families also consists of four wives and many children. They have chosen to be honest about their lifestyle, and that has come with consequences. They have had family members break all ties, they have been rejected by neighbors, they have had difficulty finding jobs. The kids are happy I would say, but they have only each other. They are a bit like hippies in mainstream society - everyone looks at them funny. It works for them they say, but 1st does not want this lifestyle, 1st’s kids do not even want to consider it, and I really wonder whether that would be that much better.

Honesty can be selfish sometimes. Sometimes we want to be released from this burden of secrecy and then it seems so much better to just tell the world. But is it worth the pain I would be inflicting on my relatives? Telling them about this would be like dropping a bomb.. is that really in their benefit, or in mine? Is it really in our kids’ benefit if they can tell honestly about daddy having more wives? Will they not be faced with much bullying if we allow them to be honest? Will they resent us for not teaching them to keep it to themselves, for not telling them the truth about how the outside world thinks of us?

From a religious perspective, I also don’t agree with the notion that we need to be honest all the time. I dislike religious debates, and I’m writing this with some hesitation, since I foresee tons of comments with quotes from religious texts, debates between readers and the like.. but I will write my point of view anyway. If you pertain to an Abrahamic religion you will know that the Jews kept their faith in Moses a secret under the rule of the Pharaoh, that the Christians kept their faith a secret during the Roman empire, that the Muslims kept their faith a secret while still living in Mecca. Abraham himself said that Sarah was his sister when they entered a foreign kingdom, out of fear of being slain. All of them were practicing their religious beliefs openly when they had their own societies, their own rules and regulations, or were in an environment which was accepting of their faith.

Were we living in a society in which polygyny was normal, or even allowed, there would be no excuse for keeping secrets, I agree with that. However in this society, it’s naive to claim all should be in the open. Donald was right when he said “If 'Anonymous', who claims to 'have nothing against plural marriages', can judge your lifestyle with such venom, I can only imagine what comments you might get from someone who does have something against it!” That’s also my reply to anonymous – your comment just affirmed my belief that keeping this lifestyle a secret is better – is protective of my family – though it’s hard.

I hope to work towards informing and being open to a few close family members of which I expect acceptance. Maybe not about polygyny at first, but at least about Mr.Hubby and then maybe work towards being open about polygyny someday. I’ll talk about this with Mr.Hubby and with my sisterwives, since it involves all of us eventually. Still the challenges with the kids would remain.. it’s just hard.

Kids and polygyny

I've been thinking about kids lately.. having a baby of my own. It's starting to occupy my mind more often nowadays, I am not really sure why. Sometimes I’ll be driving somewhere and I have these daydreams of me with my baby. How would that be? A small desire to be a mother sneaks up in me.. to take care of a baby and nurse it and give it all the love I could possible give.

When I think of the practical consequences I get very sad though. As a parent you have such a major impact on your children, and in many cases there is no telling beforehand whether you are doing right or wrong. 1st is a public wife, so you’d think that for the kids it’s quite easy – they have a mom and a dad, and then dad has some more wives, which is weird, but it really doesn’t impact their daily lives. Well, it’s more complicated than that. The thing which they absolutely hate is when their dad goes out with another wife. Their friends might see him and that embarrasses them so much. Once I was with Mr.Hubby in a café, when one of 1st’s daughters passed by with a friend. Even though we were just sitting there, at the table, we could have been co-workers, it resulted in such a huge fight between them. They don’t want to have to carry the burden of secrecy for something which they did not choose for. Their friends don’t get why their dad is gone for three days of the week…they get tired of saying he’s working. I feel sorry for them.

2nd’s kids – they are small still, but once they start talking freely – what then? Her family does not know about her relationship with Mr.Hubby because she was friends first with 1st and her family knows him as 1st’s husband. They think she just got knocked up. How to explain to the little ones that they shouldn’t talk about daddy in front of relatives? How to explain that they shouldn’t tell at (pre-)school that daddy has more than one wife?

What would happen when I get pregnant? My family thinks I am single. I might tell them I am in a relationship with Mr.Hubby someday. Though I dread telling about it. He has picked me up before with my sister and she saw 1st as well. I don’t know, that hurdle could be overcome by saying he’s divorced.. but really would that be an idea? What would we tell our child? Can you keep it a secret that daddy has more than one wife? Should you keep such a secret from your children? What’s worst – them finding out at an older age that we live in polygny and be shocked – or them having to carry a secret from a young age already?

I don’t know. I have no idea what’s best. I try to think that if you provide a loving and safe home for your children nothing will matter. But is that really true?

Wow!

A single home is left standing among debris from Hurricane Ike September 14, 2008 in Gilchrist, Texas. Floodwaters from Hurricane Ike were reportedly as high as eight feet in some areas causing widespread damage across the coast of Texas. (David J. Phillip-Pool/Getty Images)

From Big Picture

About the nature of men

This week I had a strange customer visit. It was supposed to be a tough conversation, since they were planning on switching to a competitor. My colleague who manages the account asked me to come with to maybe try and smooth things out and help create a value proposition so they would continue. This whole business issue is not important, what I am trying to explain is that we expected a hostile environment, but it turned out completely differently as they are now considering continuing the relationship.

Afterwards my colleague and I were evaluating the positive outcome and he said that he already scored points when he brought me in. We were in a room with eight men – all from our customer’s side, and then my colleague who’s a guy. So I was the only lady in there. He (my coworker) said that they were already less hostile just because I was there and that it would have been way tougher were there only men. He told me that while I was speaking one of the guys was just staring at me with his mouth open. So my colleague was happy – he said he fought half the battle just by bringing me in. I am realizing this more and more. How much a woman can accomplish among men. It’s a delicate balance, since you can’t make a man think you’re available, but you can make him feel at ease and happy to be around you – enough to make it easier to achieve whatever you want to achieve.
Sometimes, I wonder, why are men so weak when it comes to women?

See Hidden Sage’s post about how he fell for this lady which lead him to lose all his focus towards spirituality.. Reading it made me wonder about how hard it actually is to achieve things in spirituality. Though the verb “achieve” is misplaced here since it really only pertains to the material life. In spirituality there are no achievements, there is only submission. But if you are striving for it, trying to reach it - to get there is hard.

I guess for a man not to desire women must be so hard. So if a man needs to leave that in order to reach God, whew… that’s huge. Maybe that’s why they get more than one wife. Then they are at ease, not easily distracted by all other women, so they can focus on God. But hey, then the ladies start to make trouble between themselves and with the husband. And he is left solving problems the whole day.. LOL Each step brings new problems I guess..

I guess the hardest thing for ladies is jealousy. It’s not sess, it’s not desire for men, it’s jealousies, and maybe shoes. Leaving shoes and nice dresses for ascetic life is hard on us too. But nothing compared to dealing with the egoistic, selfish, and downright mean characteristics of the sisterwives and husband..

So maybe polygyny is a double-edged sword meant to cut bad characteristics away from both men and women.

Overcoming the lows

I was feeling low last week.. sometimes, anything can be too much. When I feel like that I am not walking around ranting or screaming or anything of the kind. I just feel very tired, very quiet and lonely. Lonely in the sense that I wish to be alone, because the cheery mood of others hurts, and yet I long for warmth of people at the same time. It’s a mixed emotion - I don’t even know what to make of it let alone explain it well to Mr.Hubby.

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Sometimes I wonder what the root is, since I have been having such mood swings forever. They have become much less frequent and less intense in the last years, still they do come back occasionally.

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When I was younger I would lock myself up in my room and cry for a full day, now I just get silent, reflective. I always end up looking forward and thinking ‘there’s still so many years ahead’. I think that with a sense of heaviness. I start to wonder what the use is of life, of all the things we go through. We end up in the soil anyway, and life continues and we get forgotten, our deeds are so small, futile in comparison to the creation, so why aren’t we already in our final destination? I start thinking of all the people that enjoy themselves in this life, that are so happy with all the material things, all the achievements they are striving after, and it’s as if someone turns on the light when you are having a migraine. It so turns me off, I just want to crawl in a small hut in the middle of the desert and stay there, alone.

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I don’t really know what it is, why I get these feelings, what I should do with them. I can write them down now, but I can’t when I am actually feeling them. So Mr.Hubby makes the effort to talk with me, tries to understand what’s wrong. And all I can do is sob and utter one or two words. He holds me, says he is sorry for whatever he does wrong, for everything which I am carrying due to his ignorance.

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I asked him what God intends with marriage, with sharing a life together. The movie “Hancock” kind of describes what I was trying to say. The way I see it is that God creates a mutual attraction, liking and love between two people, but He doesn’t want us to lose ourselves in that love and thus forget about Him. So He creates distances through polygyny. In the movie Hancock they were so powerful when apart, and so weak when near.

Mr.Hubby said that God makes us be together to find solace, comfort and companionship in one another. “If a group of people goes to a movie, they might all like it. But out of ten people maybe there will be just one other person who will like the exact same scenes that you did, or will see the same message that you did. You will feel a connection with that person which you will not feel with the other nine. Still the main thing is the movie, not talking with each other. Watching the movie may merely be more enjoyable when together..”

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“Our lives are about gaining nearness to God. We draw nearer to one another through this mutual goal. That makes us to have a special and deep bond. The reason I liked you when we met is that I recognized your yearning for faith, your questions.. that made me want you in my life – as a companion. People with no faith say we use our faith to make ourselves believe we should do all these things for God. As if we are brainwashing ourselves. But for us it’s the other way around - without faith there is no reason for being together – life, relationships are empty, dead.”

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And all of a sudden life seemed so full of possibilities. It might be that I will not have to wait until I pass away for nearness, for the taste of true spirituality, for that liberation from this material heaviness. I have had small appetizers in the past, who knows what God might bring on my path. And Mr.Hubby would be there to experience these things with... and share the adventures.
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I felt so relieved and cried all the previous heaviness away on his shoulder. I needed that talk.

Daily Life

Part of recent conversation with a male high-school friend

Guy: He's cheating on her…

3rd: What do you think of men cheating on their wives?

Guy: I do get why they feel the need for it, but I would never do it.

3rd: Are you for real, or just saying that because I'm a woman?

Guy: For real. I think about other women sometimes, but my girlfriend is my only one and that's the way it should be. If I would ever truly want to be with someone else I'd be honest, not go out and cheat on her.

3rd: You'd be like the guy on Big Love… chuckles

Guy: Man, they are crazy!

3rd: What do you mean?

Guy: Every time I turn on the show they're sessin'.

3rd: LOL! Well, they have to sell the show! But I think it's cool he's honest to his wives and takes care of them. Much better than all the men cheating on their wives.

Guy: They are big time hypocrites. Keeping it a secret from the outside world. All nice and decent on the outside, but then mad crazy household. It’s fun to watch, but they are really hypocrites!

3rd: Yeah... So, how's your Mom, still having back ache?

Off-topic

I am out of town again for work.. :s and I had the opportunity to visit a spa here. Very beautiful old building with awesome hot baths. It's one of those places where men and women have separate area's, which I think is just perfect. I never go to places where men and women mix.. I feel watched and uncomfortable. An exclusive women's area gives me a sense of freedom and ease...

Well, it turned out some ladies felt way too free..

The young girls were decent, with bathing suits or bikini's. But the older ladies just had to fully express their sense of liberation I guess..

so there were absolutely liberatedto be admired all over. And every time one of them came towards me I felt all my toes curl up in absolute horror.

And while I came to the spa for relaxtion after a day of travel, I ended up just focusing on the distance between me and the "freedom fighters" and trying to anticipate what their next move would be. I try to be forgiving though, after all they are from the hippy generation.. you have to judge people in the correct context... :p

Water Philisophy

There is something incredibly calming about water. A river, lake or ocean always calms me down, makes me reflect and feel at ease. Some say it’s the sound, but I think it’s the silence. I spent yesterday eve at the beach. Not the type of beach where you go to take a tan, but the one where you spend your time walking on the shore, looking the vast ocean, and dreaming.

Its more than anything when an ocean is calm that I enjoy being there the most. I look at the vast and beautiful mass of water in front of me and its stillness and its hidden secrets seems to erase any worries, day-to-day struggles or thoughts I am holding. It’s as if it invites me to think about the future or the far past, about how everything is interconnected and always turns out fine, instead of limiting myself to merely the present state of things.

I imagine if it were a person it would speak to me and say something like: ...So many have poured their heart out in front of me in despair and pain, and each problem I've seen fade away with time... so just let them go.

People in general seem to connect to water, so I guess I am not alone in this. It touches our heart, our inner self. It's a place where we go to for meditation and for reflection.

I wonder why? Is it our resemblance?

Our soul, or inner self, is much like an ocean I guess. We are beings of flesh and blood, restrained by laws of physics, but what's inside, hidden within ourselves, is a mystery. We lack the means to express it. There is art, music, poetry, stories…but still who can really fully express their inner self? Even if we would truly want to? We are an ocean of emotions, thoughts, memories, desires… we might experience in seconds thousands of things at the same time. And what we communicate with the outer world are just bits and pieces of that inner reality.

It’s strange when you think about it. We have been created with such a handicap. We simply lack the ability to communicate our self. I am not just talking about our thoughts or feelings, but truly our self, the full package. Maybe that is what is really meant with the story of the Tower of Babylon. We are endlessly involved in miscommunication, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.

Squeaky wheels get greased

To update everyone on the situation - I just got a text from Mr.Hubby saying he misses me... I tried calling him and he called me back but we weren't able to reach each other a few times. We talked eventually but about daily things (since I am sucker at talking about feelings on the phone..) He did text me though - sweet words so we're good. Once we see each other we'll talk things through.

What new#3 and Cathy said in their comments about squeaky wheels getting greased is exactly what I want to talk to Mr.Hubby about. We have talked about this before so it's nothing new. I told him that I felt like complaining gets rewarded by him with attention. He said that it's true, but that he can't see through everything himself and that I should help him with that.

I have gone back and forth between just letting him manage things on his own and me minding my own business, and then to trying to demand the attention he lacks to provide due to problems he has with other wives.

The times I tried to get Mr.Hubby to see my side of the story - eventually you get down to complaining about what he or she is doing wrong - I hated it. Part of it is pride I have to admit. The thought of me busying myself with how much attention a man does or does not give me - or how much he does give someone else - just makes me feel so rebellious - I immediately think stuff like "I definitely have better things to do with my time.."

Because I know pride is involved with it, I did try to go against it, try to lower myself and reach out to him. But once your plea doesn't get heard you start the back and forth of communicating opinions and at the end of the day I feel like a loser... even if he heard me in the end.

Some things I can brush off my shoulder easily, then I see him doing his best to make it up to a sisterwife who has been complaining about the same thing, and in the process he forgets about me... It seems like such injustice, but I remind myself that eventually God is aware of everything and holds the balance. So there is really nothing to worry about.

I plan on telling Mr.Hubby this. That I will not pull his shirt each time he does something wrong, that I do feel his attention goes to those complaining, and that I will excercise in trusting God through this...so that he basically has to make sure he does justice to us all on his own.

The longing

I have been feeling low in the past days. Now it’s better mainly because I have managed to re-schedule my appointments and work from home today. It gives me peace of mind; I feel less submerged in some insane rat race and more of a normal person.

Mr.Hubby has been very busy the past weeks, he’s still having arguments with 1st, I have been busy with work, he forgot about me a bit which I didn’t mind till I noticed he did call 4th, that hurt me, and I got offended, decided that I wouldn’t contact him and let him call me instead, he noticed my distance, and didn’t like it, and now he doesn’t call me either. Nonsense, all stupid childish nonsense. But still I won’t pick up the phone and call him. It’s mental power play.. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t complicate my own life this way. Some people have real problems out there, and I am creating my own here. Maybe at the end of this “working day”, after I have thought it all through, it will all be better and I will find a way to overcome myself.

I read once that people stand in front of paradise and then turn away. I know God is watching me and He waits for me to go against my childishness and my arrogance and pride, and be humble in front of His Gaze.
That actually changes everything.. If I were in front of paradise now, how important could it all be actually? I would run through fire to get closer to Him then, so what’s a phone call?

I wish I had a direct line to God and He could answer my questions directly. Sometimes I feel like life is a huge puzzle, and the pieces just won’t fall into place. I wish I was a better believer. Someone who would give all of themselves to God, and accept His Will always, regardless of what it was. I wish I was someone who only wished good to others, wouldn’t feel jealous or offended, wasn’t stubborn, and arrogant, didn’t have stupid pride, and was always reminding of God and never objecting anything God ordained to happen. I wish God would take all my bad characteristics away and make me clean, spotless, and for me to be submerged in love of Him and His love of me, endlessly, forever.

Why does it have to take so long to progress?

Background

As promised I am posting the background story of our family, the general overview of course. It took a while to get it written, sorry for the absence...Some wondered how 1st was introduced with polygny and if that might be the real cause why she won’t share the same house with us, should we would move in together. I don’t think so since Mr.Hubby and her agreed on polygyny even before their marriage and she was the one to introduce 2nd. I do think she might not have realized what it was that she was accepting.

She was married with Mr.Hubby six years before 2nd entered and her entering was 1st's idea. The two of them were good friends and I guess 1st figured that she trusted 2nd, kids liked her, she was a great help around the house.. so if there were to be a 2nd why not her close friend.. Once the marriage happened it turned out harder than expected. I wasn’t around then so I know this form what Mr.Hubby, 1st and 2nd have told me. My conclusion is that it was hard for 1st to realize 2nd was forming an intimate relationship with Mr.Hubby. Before it had always been through 1st. But all of a sudden 2nd and Mr.Hubby had something between the two of them.. and the relationship between 1st and 2nd changed from 2nd being solely a friend to 1st, to being another wife - and thus having needs and demands of her own. So they struggled, sometimes they would be close, other times they would not talk to each other.

I came in through Mr.Hubby some five years after. I met Mr.Hubby and we felt a connection very quickly. We used to talk on the phone a lot for half a year or so, and we met some times as well though in company of others. Once we were both sure about what we felt, he told 1st and 2nd about me. They agreed after meeting me. But once the fact was there, they felt he was spending too much time with me, that I was not being open, that they couldn't trust me. I guess that was true, though they had a bond between them before becoming sisterwives so - to my defense - I couldn't copy that. And I didn't know how to be open with two women whose husband I was sharing, while it was obvious that it hurt them a lot.. They ended up becoming very close again due to their shared pain of me becoming 3rd. I felt overwhelmed at times due to all the emotional outbursts on the phone, at my home, at their home... I was thinking to myself - if it is causing them so much grief how in the world can it be right?

Mr.Hubby was committed to make it work for all of us. He spent a lot of time explaining to me how they felt and why in order to make it easier for me to relate to them. Because of this, when I would meet with them I could let them know I understood their pain and was willing to do my best to make this situation work. After some two years of true emotional roller-coaster rides they found a way to believe me and trust me, at least to some extent. And we were able to start and build a relationship and even do fun stuff together.

4th was a close friend of mine and much like with *c* she formed a relationship with Mr.Hubby by herself without me being in the loop. I saw it and felt it, but I didn't want to pry, so I waited till they decided to tell me themselves. It hurt.. it really did. Sometimes I felt treated like a fool. Sometimes it was so obvious they had met each other that I felt it was insulting - as if I were some idiot who would not see through their lies.
Mr.Hubby took me out to lunch one day and with a very long introduction told me that they were interested in each other. My heart sank – but I was relieved at the same time. It sank because my suspicions were true, and it was relieved because he finally decided to tell the truth. I was happy for 4th and sad for myself. Because I knew things would change from now on. I decided to call her up and meet with her. We did, and I told her that it was hard on me, but I did feel happy for her, and that I did hope she would feel happy with Mr.Hubby and with us.

However on 1st and 2nd this was way too hard and it came very unexpectedly. 1st felt that it had been enough by now. She wondered why 4th had to enter, why Mr.Hubby didn’t spend his time on his families, instead of building another one. She saw her time diminish even more. They went through major arguments, and I felt sad for 4th to see her in the middle of all of this, just the way I was in the beginning. I assured her to keep her head cool and show 1st and 2nd her good intentions and that I was here to support her. It worked. They accepted her, even though both of them continued to have objections if Mr.Hubby was, according to them, meeting her too often or spending too much time with her.

What hurt me most however was that 4th turned out to be less accepting of me, than I was of her. While I was offering her my support she was complaining to Mr.Hubby if he was spending time with me, she would come to my home even and argue with him. That came out of the blue for me. I really thought we would become close sisters and friends and wish each other the best. Now things are better, but it took a lot of arguing and talks with Mr.Hubby for 4th to understand she was doing wrong.

Through all of this, as I said in the previous post 1st has always felt misunderstood by us. We enter and are happy to accept this life, don’t mind a lot, when Mr.Hubby comes to our home we are happy to see him, not realizing 1st is missing him greatly. She sees how oblivious we are to her pain in every little thing we do and it frustrates her . She doesn’t believe we will ever get her, and that living together would mean she’d have to sacrifice too much of herself in order to make it work..

Failure

1st decided she doesn't want to share a home with us... I am sad.

She feels she would be giving up too much of herself. It's not the same with just the three of us, so I am bummed. It s*cks. I could write about whose fault it is, but I would probably blame everybody else but me, and that would be unfair.

I struggle with being honest here.
I try to find the right balance between not misrepresenting the people I love – my view is a one-sided view, not disclosing personal stuff of the people around me since it would be without their consent, being true, and protecting my identity… If I end up writing all the details, and my sisterwives stumble upon this blog...I wouldn’t feel too happy and they wouldn’t neither.

But to tell you my feelings. I feel like it’s a failure that she is not on board. Our failure, not hers. We didn’t manage to make her trust us, to be trustworthy. She struggles with us a lot. She always tells us we have no idea what she sacrifices and how much effort she puts in, in comparison to us. And I think it’s true. I accept the fact that it must be way harder on her after being alone with Mr.Hubby for years and us popping in one after the other with our happy clue-less attitude. But - I do not really get it. Not really. It’s a reality I haven’t lived – so I can only imagine, not understand. And even though she knows she can’t blame us, she doesn’t feel we can truly be close and share everything..

When I first saw Big Love on TV I was amazed at the amount of warmth and acceptance from Barb towards all the silly, disrespecting and sometimes even mean behavior from the other wives. I couldn’t imagine this to be true. But then again, it may be difference of character. 1st always speaks from the heart and when something hurts her, she will lay all her feelings and pain on the table and confront you with it. She will say “how can you do this?” “don’t you see I am in this situation?” “how can you be so inconsiderate?” And though we see she is right, we fail each time again, simply because we don’t live her life and do not perceive every situation from the historic reference that she does.

So now she said – I can’t be on board here. And I can’t blame her. I can blame us. Maybe I should not say “us”, just say “me”. But it’s not just me. Too much stupid stuff comes from 2nd and 4th as well. And if I would really be candid I’d say that more stupid stuff comes from them.. but at the same time I ask all internet: don’t believe what I say, I’m sure they would have their own version of the story to tell.

Late night reflections

It's quite late at night and I could not sleep because of the mosquitoes and because of how hot is was.. I decided to get up and take the time for prayer and reflection. And while I was sitting and meditating a storm broke loose.

What a sensation to be meditating with windows wide open and the sound of the rain and the thunder outside. I felt so at peace and at the same time so energetic. I was reflecting on everything that had happened the day before, asking God to guide me in every step and protect me from any type of negative feelings I have. And with every such thought I felt myself becoming more and more – what word would best describe it – healed…it was so soothing. Just wonderful..

We do such injustice to God. I forget about Him throughout the day, complain about this or that and forget to ask Him for help. Then I turn to Him just once and He lifts me up regardless of my forgetfulness of Him and all my ungratefulness. If it were a relationship between two people I would be the incredibly egoistic and self-oriented one, and not one person would endure me. But He is always there.
I feel bad for ever complaining about how people treat me, when I show Him so little love, affection and care. We should love God, He loves back. Instead of asking love from people around us..

He might even love us through the people around us.

It’s still raining.

I love the sound of the rain.

Jumper

Sorry for not posting for a while... I have been on a business trip which prevented me from connecting and writing down my thoughts. It’s been an incredibly busy week, but very interesting.

Few days back I was in the midst of a presentation, when all of a sudden it struck me that I felt so disconnected. You see, my co-workers know just a part of me, they know my professional self. And though they know me, they know so little about me. And sometimes this makes me feel like I am leading this schyzo life. If you ever saw the movie Jumper – that’s what I mean. I continuously have to jump from one life to the other, my professional life, to relatives life, to friends life, to polygyny life… and the differences are so huge. My family, me being 3rd, could not be further apart from the person I have to be in the workspace. And that sucks up so much energy.

I think it’s such a wonderful thing when someone is true and genuine with the people around them. But how can we do that if we have to keep secrets? Mr.Hubby always says we have our universal intrinsic values which we can share and live freely. But the schyzo life sometimes really gets to me.

A test of trustworthiness

I have been trying to deepen my understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, since I made the intention to try and be with others the way I wish for them to be with me.
Now some small thing happened and I still haven’t quite figured out what a true trustworthy person would do.. I had an appointment with Mr.Hubby for a cup of coffee not too far from 4th’s home - since it was her day and he was going to go there afterwards for dinner.

My talk with him is not the subject of this post but just to share: Mr.Hubby said that he was feeling very tired since it seems that when everything is fine with one wife he gets into a quarrel with the other, and then the cycle starts all over again with the four of us. He said that he felt like he was constantly busy extinguishing small fires instead of reaching certain long term goals, and he expressed the hope that we would finally commit to a life together as a true family, instead of our continuous small bickering... It was a tough conversation as I felt that lot of our problems have to do with his insensitivity in our affairs, but in general I do agree with him and do understand where he’s coming from. He just wants a loving and true family and some time to look forward..

After an hour we said goodbye and I went home and when I looked at my cell I saw two missed calls from 4th. So I called back and found her very cold and annoyed on the phone. She said that she just called to fix an appointment for the weekend – so we did – and then she asked if I left work just now, so I told her I was almost at home. Then we hung up. The words exchanged were little but to me they said a lot... She had tried to reach Mr.Hubby and found no answer, then she tried to reach me just to see if I would answer the phone. When I didn’t, she knew I was with him and got pissed. Then he called back to tell he was on his way and no doubt soon after I returned her call as well. And just to be sure she asked if I was leaving work… She did not share this with me, but I knew it.

I knew all of this already when I saw the two missed calls. I knew all of this in my heart and it made me pissed off to hear her annoyed and cold tone of voice. I was so busy with work these last weeks that he spent ample time with her on my days..so why bother if I sit for an hour and have a cup of coffee with him? Why not just be generous and be happy that I finally could?

While I was walking home I wondered what would a trustworthy person do? To honor my intention, what should I have done?

Values and Norms

I do not usually discuss news items on this blog, but this one really caught my attention…

“…she moved closer to the screen -- and got chills. Then one of her daughters screeched, ‘Mommy, that girl looks just like us!’ Kimberly's daughter was right: Every single child did look remarkably like hers. Then she heard the commentary: ‘Sperm Donor 401...German background...’ The seven women on screen were talking to the show's host about a man neither she nor they had ever met: the biological father of all their children.”
…
“The publicity from the morning show eventually caught the attention of even more parents with 401's progeny. A total of 19 got in touch with one another, including single women and lesbian and heterosexual couples.”

I just think it’s so strange how our society finds it acceptable that a man would donate his sperm and have kids all over the place, while the guy who actually decides to take care of his wives and children is deemed a criminal. It really doesn’t make any sense to me..
Also I wonder why women tend to think we are settling for less when living in a plural marriage, but would applaud the woman who decides to use a sperm donor..

Isn’t it just plain crazy?

Trustworthiness

I'm still struggling with the issue of real trust. Mr.Hubby told me to examine the root cause and maybe come up with a solution, but it’s such a puzzle. Basically my sisterwives and I get along fine. But we don’t have that true deep friendship and full trust.

Mr.Hubby doesn’t get why we don’t talk on the phone and enjoy each other’s company more often. For him of course it doesn’t make sense, since he gets along fine with all of us, and sees the good intentions and love. But these feelings are not there to that extent, between the three of us.

1st I admire loads. She’s truly amazing - a great wife, mother and believer. However I always seem to disappoint her. She feels that she doesn’t know on what grounds to build a rapport with me. I get that but how to change such a thing? I guess we might get to a good balance in our relationship eventually, but I am not sure what to do about it now.. Sometimes she feels I take too much distance, then I am trying too hard to be friends, all the while I am not really able to build a friendship in the way I am used to with other people.

2nd I trust quite a bit, in the sense that she really is the type of person who will wish the best for you and deny herself her own right to make you happy. This makes me deny my own rights for her, because I see she cares. We are completely different people though. I don’t think I would ever become friends with her if we weren’t connected through Mr.Hubby. Not because she’s not nice, but because she lives so differently, in everything – taste of clothing, music, food, in aspirations in life, in priorities etc. So I’m not inclined to call her on a daily basis to chit chat and I think she feels the same way towards me. So we try to connect and meet up – but I think we are far off from being really close.

With 4th I used be very close, and when she became 4th I hoped for some form of sisterhood in which we would wish for each other all the best, talk on the phone often, confide in each other etc. A close bond. But she became quite jealous of me though, would fight with Mr.Hubby because she felt she wasn’t treated equally, fight with him over more time, not ever be open and tell me her feelings. The whole thing changed completely and I was really surprised at that. I don’t know.. it made me draw back and let her be. I think she’s still fun to be with, but trust is something entirely different.

So now I have listed reason why I am not able to open up and trust. But I guess a good question is also - how can I change myself in order to be a person who others can trust? What makes someone trustworthy?

Missing him

I was watching a movie today, some really sweet story about a guy who falls in love with this girl and the feeling in the end turns out to be mutual. And I found myself feeling some sort of nostalgia, a sense of sadness for something which was but will not be again. That feeling of wanting something which is unknown, the excitement of meeting that person and keeping your feelings secret while they show clearly in your look and smile and posture.. then to realize exactly the same is the case with them.. and what a rush that gives. Two people standing in front of each other desiring with every cell in their body to come closer, but keeping their distance due to whatever reasons. Yeah, it made me feel nostalgic.

I think that is the best part of falling in love. The time before you declare yourself to one another, the time of unspoken desires. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder? What would Mr.Hubby think if I told him? Is it because I am missing him so much that I feel this way? I wish I could just call Mr.Hubby and tell him to get his butt over here for some passionate quality time.. but I can’t.

Maybe that’s the real cause for my nostalgia. My missing him. It's easy to think it all has to do with polygyny and having to share him is to blame for everything, and I think we women tend to do that way too quickly. But I wonder how many of the women in a monogamous marriage find themselves watching a movie and wishing they would have that passion in their life.

I might consider myself lucky for having that with Mr.Hubby even though our time together is little.. I just miss him.

One's worth

The past two weeks have been very hectic. I have been coming back home from work around 9 or 10 pm just to wake up at 6am again. And whoever thinks being in polygyny results in more time for one self is dead wrong, cause I've got the other wives and kids to think of. So this means I have to make time to talk on the phone and meet up if someone is feeling down or very up for that matter... the bottom line is I was irritable this last week, and now that I am writing this I see that I started out by explaining myself and the circumstances..

Circumstances which led me to go off at Mr.Hubby when he was with 4th. He called me up to see how I was doing and the conversation went well, till he mentioned that he had forgotten to call the landlord … that triggered this waterfall of frustrations in my head. I told him that I could have predicted he would forget about this, and that if he had called, it would have been a pleasant surprise more than a normality – which, I said, it should actually be. It’s all true though, he’s a mess when it comes to remembering things, even conversations or whose day or week it is. It sometimes makes for hilarious moments, like “3rd, we went to this movie last week right?” 2nd:”no that was with me..” – awkward silence

He replied by saying that it is all true and that he feels very bad about the fact that while I am so stressed he doesn’t chip in by being more reliable and organized. And that he is really going to do his best to focus more.. that he appreciates all I do and wishes he was a helping out more.

Not one single excuse for himself or blame towards me..

While he was talking I realized how wonderful it was of him that he took my criticism for his betterment and didn’t try to defend himself but was just there to listen and understand me. While I, even when I keep my mouth shut, usually think “yes but..” and that always shows. You can see when someone is genuine in their understanding of your pain and what they did wrong or when they are thinking about all the ways in which you have wronged them and how their behaviour was justified.

It made me realize what a special characteristic he has, and that I felt superior because I handle business better, while he really is the bigger man in things.

Once and for all

So I have been receiving loads of emails and people seem to be curious about who I am, where I am from, when I became 3rd, what my religion is...the 411

Ok, I decided to write and tell you about me, so when I get new requests in my mailbox I can forward the URL of this post.. (and be done with it) :)

First of why the secrecy?
For me to be truly honest and vulnerable - which is my aim - I have to feel secure enough about my anonymity…

I do live this life in secrecy and for now wish to keep it this way. People do not tend to approve of polygyny, I don't know who is reading this and what they will think of me - so the less I share in terms of details the better.

My sisterwives don't know I am writing this blog and since they have no chance to approve of it I feel I have to be careful not to spill their personal life on the web for everyone to read.

..

What is my faith?
I believe in God – in His Oneness and in His Devine Decree. For me it’s a fact that most His Prophets and Saints lived polygyny. I hope not to get involved in a religious debate with any of you reading this humble little blog. So for me, this is the core of things and I feel any labeling or categorizing is unnecessary. Faith in itself is something which resides in the heart, and I wish to keep mine there - hidden, safe and precious.
..
How Mr.Hubby and I met
Since we shared the same belief and I knew polygyny was part of this belief, and since we connected… we allowed for the connection to evolve. So I did not become religious because of him. He came after.
..
Why I felt this was right for me…
This is a topic for several posts actually. In the beginning I just felt that since it was the lifestyle of Prophets and most of their followers, it had to be better than monogamy - even though I did not really understand why or how. So one might say it was a leap of faith. Now I clearly see I benefit from being in this union. I am such a different and more grown person than I would have ever been in a monogamous marriage…
..
Would I recommend this for other women?
Yes, BUT – make sure you are entering for Him not for the one with the small h. Any man has flaws and in polygyny all his flaws will become supersized and thrown in your face, even on a daily basis. If he is somewhat of an egoist, you will see so much egoism in his dealings with you. It will drive you nuts. You have to be able to step aside and wonder what this situation is supposed to teach you and why. Otherwise you will find yourself wondering whether you are crazy for choosing to live this life. I sometimes still do, and that’s when my beliefs helps me through.
..
Do I feel guilty towards the other wives?
When they are hurting – yes. I wonder what I might have done differently to make it easier on them and to what extent it was my responsibility to make sure Mr.Hubby acted differently or more kindly towards them. In general however I feel happy and guilt free so to say, since there is really nothing about my relationship with Mr.Hubby to feel guilty for.
..
As for my age - I am close to 30… hmmmm, that number came way to soon.
And I have been a 3rd for about five years now!
No kids yet.
We each have our own house, we all work, my sisterwives are cool, we meet and chat often, we fight also...
and I guess the rest you can read on the blog!

Rules of the Game

Since I've been reading about the lives of others in polygyny I have come to realize that everyone has their own way of trying to make it work. It made me wonder about hierarchy between the numbers. In our lives there definitely is a hierarchy, especially towards the 1st, but more or less also between 2nd, 4th and I.

For example, nobody ever complains to Mr.Hubby if 1st gets more time or attention. Actually our time-schedules are divided representing this thought. 1st gets three days of the week, 2nd gets two and me and 4th take turns every other week with the remaining two days. The reason for this, and why I think its fair and just, is that 1st and 2nd have kids. Their household is larger and thus needs more support from Mr.Hubby.

I find it quite un-fair actually if a husband spends the same amount of time with his wives if one has kids and other doesn't...

Sometimes I wonder whether there is a best way of living in polygyny.

Mr.Hubby made an effort in the beginning to ensure we all respected 1st and truly understood what a tremendous sacrifice it was for her to accept sharing him and accept us in her and in his life. In retrospect I am very happy about the way he handled that. If I were 1st that would make me feel much more secure about my relationship with him and about living in polygyny in general.

Not that it solves all the problems. But I feel like it gives a certain peace of mind to 1st which makes it easier for the new wives as well.

Wishful Thinking

Yesterday I had some private time with Mr.Hubby. Most of the time we are running around just like in Big Love, and we have very little time to really sit and talk. Yesterday we finally found the time to relax a bit, and enjoy the beautiful weather.

There were some problems between 2nd and 4th and he asked me advice on how to handle it and what I thought was the real reason. So after we spent quite some time discussing this I asked him ‘well how do you feel about the two of us'? I was actually wondering what things he wished me to change as we were talking about what the 2nd and 4th should change in order to get along better. But then he answered: 'I wish so badly to be able to take care of you and be the husband that you deserve. I sometimes question whether we should live in secrecy like this, and whether it would be that bad if we would bring it all out in the open.'

It really touched me as I never thought he was burdened by this. And I realized that just as I have my wishes and desires so does he. The crazy thing is that I am sure my family would have little problems if I were gay, but if I were to tell them that I am 3rd they would think Mr.Hubby was a pervert and I was being brainwashed.

Sincerity

Lately things have been going very well between me and Mr.Hubby - Actually this is most often the case. Just sometimes, when it’s that time of the month, I get in a drama-trip in which things feel worse than they are and the world seems to be a hostile place.. :)

However there have also been periods during which I would talk to Mr.Hubby less or he was less caring and involved. Sometimes because he had a lot on his mind or was dealing with problems in his other households, or because he was fed up with me and my flaws. And I have noticed that any reservations or doubts I have about polygyny or the fact that my life is secretive always pop up when me and him are in our lows.. When I feel loved by him and secure in our relationship nothing really bothers me.

And this makes me wonder how sincere I truly am... Should the choice for this lifestyle not be a matter of principle and belief and be totally unrelated to the way Mr.Hubby acts? Does this make me someone who is just in it for her husband and his affection, and will I run away once things get tough?
It makes me question whether I am steadfast enough in my faith.

Green Dreams

I had this weird dream a few days back. I dreamt that I was talking to Mr.Hubby and 4th. Both of them happened to tell me about a vacation they went to. Since the dates coincided of both their vacations - I of course figured they went on that trip together. And I posed the question in my dream: how peculiar that your holidays just happened to be exactly in the same week.. :)

It ended up that they had indeed taken a short trip together and me tripping at them for keeping stupid secrets and not being able to deal with things in the way adults do...

How annoyingly blunt dreams can be! Just when I thought the whole jealousy thing was pretty much out the door there comes the reality-check in my dream!

I havent’t had any dreams like this for more three years now..what a bummer!

The tricks of the accursed

Sometimes, when I am hurt, this weird negativity creeps up in my head. You know.. you start thinking the other person doesn’t care. You see images in your head of you being caring, and the other one leaving you out in the cold by yourself - drama.
So you decide to shut yourself off, go your own way... That is my built in mechanism anyway when things go wrong - taking distance.

And there is this thing which always helps me calm down and look at things from a different perspective, and that is the story of Adam and Eve. Weird? Let me explain. I just wanted to post my insights here and see what you guys think.

As you all know Adam and Eve were in Eden, blissful with absolute freedom and happiness – with just a very simple rule “do not touch that one tree”. Now paradise must have been awesome, vast, exciting, and great, so such a simple rule should have been a piece of cake. But still somehow they disobeyed…

They did that out of fear and out of a lack of trust. The devil convinced Eve that God hadn’t told them why they weren’t allowed to eat from the tree because by eating from it they would gain eternity. And without it they would be mortals and eventually die. To scare Eve further he showed her the horrors of their decaying bodies.

Such a simple and straightforward story, but just think about it: the devil convinced them that by listening to him they would attain exactly that which in reality they would lose.. and what they got instead is exactly that which he scared them with!

Isn’t that deep? Every time I get this urge to think negatively because I imagine other people being cruel I try to remember this – and remember that the devil is always out to trick us. I try my best to overcome myself and reach out and be honest about my feelings, instead of taking distance, as that way I definitely risk ending up alone and sad..

Any thoughts?

Defined by numbers

Today I spent some time reading through different blogs, mainly the ones dealing with plural marriages. And it made me wonder why I am actually making myself be defined by the fact that I am in a polygynous marriage?

Shouldn’t I just decide to be a lady instead of 3rdlady? 3rd might be a fact but not a defining fact.


What is our defining fact?


At work I ask all the female colleagues I meet how they would feel about being a stay at home mom and all of them say they could never do it. And when I ask why they answer: I think I would become so dull, I would go nuts, what would I do with my time? To put it in other words: who would I actually be? They are defined by their work. If someone asks them who they are, they will tell them what kind of job they do. And isn’t that kind of sad?!

Or is just the way we are made, and am I spending time thinking about irrelevant stuff?

I am so right

I am so right.. she's so wrong.. that's what was going through my mind yesterday when I had a fight with one of the co-wives. I am right, because I was a friend to her and she let me down when I needed her and she is not even willing to apologize.. Friends left the building and friendly just made her entrance!

But I was talking to Mr.Hubby today about the whole situation and he got me thinking. He said: "Who would have ever thought you would be in this position? Becoming religious, becoming 3rd? Who would have thought you would chose that? It's a miracle in itself. And the Lord is happy when He sees you trying to struggle for His sake. He is commanding our environment, the people around us. He is controlling the other sister-wife. He is putting you in this situation to see whether you will let your ego resolve the situation or whether you will let you heart deal with it."

Hmm... hard ... still I am right - definitely!
What about justice? If I do not get angry with her now, will she not forget about me in the future as well? If she doesn't get the picture will there be any progress ever?

"Will she understand if you attack her and demand an apology? Or will she bow down and feel resentment instead?"

Sigh - my ego is looking out of the window stubbornly. I guess Mr.Hubby is right.

Plan less do more

I have to confess a small sin.. I have been soooo lazy the past few days, I have been postponing stuff that needs to be done, laying around, watching TV (I mean for hours.. stuff that's not even interesting, ending up with a headache at the end of the day). It’s ridiculous!

Somehow I stumbled upon a newspaper clipping related to people who never tend to get things done (why, how to overcome..) And the thing that really resonated was that people who tend to take upon themselves too many things become overwhelmed by their own list of to do’s which results in them giving up. And this is so true for me. Somewhere in my mind I have this idea that I should go to the gym, take a sewing class, do some reading, clean the house, cook for the rest of the week, do my paperwork, plan my vacation, save money.. eventually I don't do anything.

SO
Today I cleaned the most important things at home and did my paperwork. And my next thing will be enrolling in some gym. And that’s it! I am not doing any other unnecessary thinking or planning or wishing.

:)

To trust

Last week I had a bit of a struggle with the fourth, I felt like she was trying to disturb my quality time with hubby by bringing up an old argument. She claims she had no idea he was at my house at that time but I find it hard to believe. I think she actually does not even know that it was jealousy more than a pure wish to solve an old problem. I can not be sure I am right, however I still find it hard to believe I was wrong..

And the only reason I feel so strongly I was right is because I have been there myself. Jealousy and pain creep up in your heart and even though you try to contain them, they spill, dripping out in small vicious streams. You think you are being nice and caring but actually it is nothing more than disguised criticism.

It was just a small thing which happened and I am not angry at all, but it did make me think about trust. Something which has to be there, if we are to take upon ourselves such a big task as sharing the same house, and which is obviously lacking. Mr. Hubby always says we have to make a decision and stick by it, but obviously he is a man. He never feels the emotional pressure building up in his heart which makes you feel like you're about to explode. And you try with all your might to stick to whatever you decided but you just can't.

Trust is hard, trust is a verb, it is something in the present tense and in the future tense at the same time. It involves knowing oneself, it involves commitment.
It involves fighting yourself..

Calm

What a beautiful day..sunny and calm. I am alone at home..outside life is passing by and I am just observing. Beautiful..

Cross-Roads

We are now at cross-roads considering to move in the same house together. I am really wondering whether we will manage or not. None of us have been born into polygyny so we have no examples of how to deal with everything that comes our way. Not being able to retire into our own homes might prove to be a real challenge. Also I wonder how it will be to see our husband at home. So far we have never acted affectionate towards him in front of each other..but that just must change once we live together.
It's gonna be a great task. I just hope God is supporting us in this one.

What is true love?

It’s sometimes quite hard to figure out what true love and a real spiritual relationship are about..

Today I spent the day with a girlfriend - happily married, not religious, surely not polygamous, and blissfully unaware of my chosen way of life. She has a great marriage, as far as I can judge. Her husband is responsible, good-hearted and loves the fact that he is a father. Basically to me they seem the perfect family.

I think any woman would like to spend her life in that way. With a loving and nurturing family, in which the husband/father plays an important role. However I see that the way God prescribes us to live is quite different. A father/husband is more of a leader of the household. He has to allocate time between different families, so as a wife or mother you are often left relying on yourself or on the other wives.

At the same time it’s clear to me that in this solitude you learn to rely on God more, which just deepens your relationship with Him. Or at least it’s supposed to work like that. Often the material life just takes over and it’s hard to keep in mind what we are getting in return from our Lord and how precious that is. Then what we are missing right now, is the only thing that matters.

God loves the broken-hearted

In hard times I always wonder why this suffering is needed. Not to over-dramatize, since so many people deal with real pain, the pain of losing beloved ones, of living in poverty, of opression and so on that one feels shy to claim that one's own life is tough.. but it sometimes does feel very much so. And when it does, I start to ask myself the ancient question 'why'?

A small insight occured to me today. And that is that every growth is painful. I think every woman while giving birth is inclined to think why the suffering is needed, but once the baby is born, the pain which she suffered becomes irrelevant. I think that most people who have expereinced personal growth and achieved wisdoms have done so due to suffering they had to deal with during their life. So I guess the one does not come without the other, and one should be happy with it...

A person once told me "God loves the broken-hearted". Just now I start to realize what it means.