Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Emotional self-confidence

I decided to go green yesterday. I had a meeting with a customer which was a two hour drive. By train it took me just as long, though it allowed me to catch up on some sleep and on my way back, to catch up on some work as well.

A teenage couple was sitting nearby. Well, I didn’t know they were a couple till I happened to look at them and saw this very naughty look on the girl’s face. I realized that her foot was slowly rubbing up against his leg. I figured they were at least more than just friends.
Then the girl did the classic kitty kat stretch, which told me that an important statement was coming. Know what I mean? It goes like this: lazily stretch your arms above your head, with face turned towards the side, a look in your eyes that sais you’re ready for bed - totally relaxed, then slowly turn your eyes back to the boy with a suppressed smile… then the statement can be made. Hers: “I so hope this thing will never become like this boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and we’d be exclusive or something. That’s way too boring.” Foot rubbing up against his leg a bit more..then a giggle.

I was surprised by her words, it made me wonder whether it could be true that this young girl was truly not emotionally attached? Was she maybe an example of a young girl that is just looking for fun and feels no social or moral restrictions? Was she really that into physical pleasure as she was so eager to signal to the boy?
I drifted away in these thoughts while looking out the window, after a while I looked back at them, actually still in a sort of wonderment, when I saw her in tears. The guy asked why she got so emotional all of a sudden. She answered that he was acting so distant and cold. He placed his hands on her knees and asked her what she meant. She dried her eyes and said she was just acting silly because she was tired and that he shouldn’t pay too much attention to her.

And then I knew that it was all an act. She was so dependant, maybe even desperate, that she pretended to be some kind of n y m p h o just to keep him. She was trying to be what she thought his ideal girl was, the girl he would never get bored with.
How sad. I wondered if the boy knew. Would he forever think of her as the young n y m p h o he was with or would he realize she was just too much in love with him? Did the girl know she was not so into s e x as she pretended to be? Maybe she convinced herself that she was indeed happy with their “non exclusive, non boyfriend/girlfriend thing”?

This dependence, this fear of losing someone and the willingness to do something to keep them, I recognize this from my relationships before I came to faith. And I must say that living in polygyny has taught me independence. It has taught me that it doesn’t matter whether a man loves you more or maybe less than another woman, whether he is attracted to other women or not - you don’t lose anything, you are not worth less because of it. My life and me as a person are totally unrelated to how special I am to Mr.Hubby. That’s so liberating. It’s important to have a warm and understanding relationship with your partner, which I feel I do. But he may go if he chooses to...And I have no fear of losing him.

I am sure many women have learned this through their life and I am not saying one should be in polygyny to get to this point. It just happens to be so with me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Wisdom of Trees

I found today’s post in trees…

I was observing a few trees bearing the lashes of strong wind today, and I saw the young trees bend forward in submission to the wind’s will, while old trees were resisting, staying strong, and in the process they moaned and squeaked..

Which of the two is really stronger I wondered? And I saw that I feared that just a bit stronger blow would break the old trees in half..

You see, my friends, I understood today that more often than not I try to keep strong. When I get irritated by a random person I take hold of my heart and say to myself, “beware of yourself, don’t let your bad characteristics get the best of you”..and thus I firmly resist and keep strong, and try to be good. While it works with your general windy weather, it will break you in half when a storm comes along.

The most powerful way is really to submit and say “Oh my Lord, I am a weak one and I bend to You, make me a better person than I am, without you I cannot”.
And now that I am writing this, I think to myself, it’s way too simple to be an epiphany, yet it was. True power lies in submission, in asking for help, and admitting your weakness. Our inclination towards denying our bad characteristics and our weaknesses just cuts off our ties with God, making us to be left to deal with them by ourselves, thus making us inevitably to be their victim…

I found this post in trees, which I have seen so many times before, yet never truly. All of a sudden today I saw how their creation, the way it is, carries a lesson, a direction, and a wisdom for mankind. What a wonder. Had to share it..