Monday, October 26, 2009

I told you so

4th is doing much better..
and as I expected I am back on the list of people that are to be forgotten

We emailed back and forth after my initial reply to her message. The last communication was from my side; I sent her an email, just before she spoke with Mr.Hubby, telling her that we’ve all had moments in which we feel it is too much and that she should not think it is just her.
Mr.Hubby and her spent some evenings talking afterwards. And now she is all upbeat and laughing and hysterical and I haven’t heard from her since. She hasn’t bothered to email anymore or say anything concerning her feelings now or that she is doing better.. It’s like I do not exist.
First I thought that maybe she would reply after some days.. but nope, not a word.

Obviously this is something which I expected and I also expected that I would feel as I do now. However I am happy that I was not to blame for her wanting to leave, as I wouldn’t want to have to carry that burden. Also I am happy that I did not get sucked into investing more of my time and energy in this. I already feel like a fool now, I would have felt way worse had I really opened my arms to comfort her.

I keep reminding myself that it really doesn’t matter what she does or does not do, and that I should just busy myself with trying to be a good person in the best and most true way I am able to.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Boss Baby considers leaving

Yup, you read it right.. she sent out a message to all of us saying she is seriously considering leaving. Mr.Hubby already knew of her feelings, but I was really surprised, we all were.

Why she is considering leaving? I guess the short version would be that she can’t cope with all the problems that come with the territory. She grew up with the regular fairy tale image of happily ever after, one man one wife, everyone in her family seems to be very happy and joyful in their marriage, her newlywed sister being the main reason for feelings of envy I guess. She gets guys drooling all over her, making very nice proposals, so I guess that sense of gravitation towards a different life is pulling on her so much that she is considering stepping out. Her letter was quite emotional. She said she is sorry and ashamed for feeling this way, but she can't help it. And that she is so negative and angry and frustrated and just doesn't know what to do.

Mr.Hubby’s response is that he will support her in anything she decides to do. He is not making an effort to convince her to stay, not because he does not want her to, I think he truly does, but because he feels the decision should be hers 100%. So he did not get upset and said she needs to decide for herself..
I imagine that she actually wants him to react more emotionally and ask her not to leave, to get that reassurance that she is being loved and needed. And now that he is not giving her that, the decision to stay may be even harder. Mr.Hubby is aware of this, we talked about it, but he really does not want any blame on convincing her to remain married if it really isn’t something she chooses and chooses for the right reasons – e.g. faith, not him.

2nd and 1st were like ‘well she should sort it out herself’. I replied to the message and asked her whether any part of her feeling this way was due to the relationship between the two of us. She said that the main issue is her relationship with Mr.Hubby and just to some extent our relationship - the main problem being that she feels we do not share anything anymore, that the friendship is not there.

Well here I was presented with a dilemma on what to reply. Like a test of where I am with my faith. I guess as a really good believer, I would open up my arms and be that friend to her, comfort her, reassure her that Mr.Hubby loves her, let her share her pain to ease the burden of it..
But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And why? Because I am quite sure that once she figures things out and is all happy with Mr.Hubby again, she will forget all about me. I wrote her about my conflicted feelings on this and told her that I just feel like I can’t be that friend to her.
I was in a very low point in the beginning of her relationship with Mr.Hubby, not because of their relationship, but there was this sh!tload of problems I was dealing with, and her main concerns were whether she had enough time with Mr.Hubby, whether they went out to the movies, whether he came home on time. I was hoping for a friend and all I got from her were complaints, and accusations and jealosy.
I reminded her of that, and told her I do not want to leave her out in the cold like she left me, but that I do feel that maybe by letting her figure it out by herself she will learn something.

She answered that she does not agree and never has agreed about her letting me down as a friend, and that she did not feel like going into that topic. So she ended the letter by saying she will let me know once she makes her decision.

Mr.Hubby read the communication we exchanged and said that what I wrote was alright.. I am having mixed feelings. Should I feel more empathy for her? You see, I feel like she lacked empathy so much for all this time that right now I feel quite cold about her pain. I mean.. I feel bad about feeling so little. Any thoughts?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Open Mic

There's been different topics on my mind .. things I have wanted to write about but didn't. Like the fact that autumn is here once more and I am waiting for the colors to change and the world to enter into shades of wonderful yellow, deep red, brown, green and purple. I am excited about the amazing images which will be presented to me soon when I step outside my home.. There are certain memories from my childhood, moments, in which I felt so much awe for the beauty of nature, I did my best to imprint them in my brain. I remember seeing a star filled sky during a summer night when I was four or five and thinking I *have* to remember this forever. Or sunsets while coming back from school..incredible sunsets, filling the sky with colors in such a miraculous fashion, made me want to die on the spot.

But also I wanted to write and ask you about what it means be friends to someone? And whether men and women can be friends? Isn’t there some form attraction lurking in the corner always? And if you allow yourself to really love a male-friend, will that transform into love that’s different, not meant for friends?
Mr.Hubby says that's the case. He says that keeping a distance is necessary between men and women. Before I start sribbling down my own thoughts and ideas on this, I just wanted to ask what do you guys think?