Friday, May 30, 2008

Rules of the Game

Since I've been reading about the lives of others in polygyny I have come to realize that everyone has their own way of trying to make it work. It made me wonder about hierarchy between the numbers. In our lives there definitely is a hierarchy, especially towards the 1st, but more or less also between 2nd, 4th and I.

For example, nobody ever complains to Mr.Hubby if 1st gets more time or attention. Actually our time-schedules are divided representing this thought. 1st gets three days of the week, 2nd gets two and me and 4th take turns every other week with the remaining two days. The reason for this, and why I think its fair and just, is that 1st and 2nd have kids. Their household is larger and thus needs more support from Mr.Hubby.
I find it quite un-fair actually if a husband spends the same amount of time with his wives if one has kids and other doesn't...
Sometimes I wonder whether there is a best way of living in polygyny.
Mr.Hubby made an effort in the beginning to ensure we all respected 1st and truly understood what a tremendous sacrifice it was for her to accept sharing him and accept us in her and in his life. In retrospect I am very happy about the way he handled that. If I were 1st that would make me feel much more secure about my relationship with him and about living in polygyny in general.
Not that it solves all the problems. But I feel like it gives a certain peace of mind to 1st which makes it easier for the new wives as well.

Wishful Thinking

Yesterday I had some private time with Mr.Hubby. Most of the time we are running around just like in Big Love, and we have very little time to really sit and talk. Yesterday we finally found the time to relax a bit, and enjoy the beautiful weather.

There were some problems between 2nd and 4th and he asked me advice on how to handle it and what I thought was the real reason. So after we spent quite some time discussing this I asked him ‘well how do you feel about the two of us'? I was actually wondering what things he wished me to change as we were talking about what the 2nd and 4th should change in order to get along better. But then he answered: 'I wish so badly to be able to take care of you and be the husband that you deserve. I sometimes question whether we should live in secrecy like this, and whether it would be that bad if we would bring it all out in the open.'

It really touched me as I never thought he was burdened by this. And I realized that just as I have my wishes and desires so does he. The crazy thing is that I am sure my family would have little problems if I were gay, but if I were to tell them that I am 3rd they would think Mr.Hubby was a pervert and I was being brainwashed.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Lately things have been going very well between me and Mr.Hubby - Actually this is most often the case. Just sometimes, when it’s that time of the month, I get in a drama-trip in which things feel worse than they are and the world seems to be a hostile place.. :)

However there have also been periods during which I would talk to Mr.Hubby less or he was less caring and involved. Sometimes because he had a lot on his mind or was dealing with problems in his other households, or because he was fed up with me and my flaws. And I have noticed that any reservations or doubts I have about polygyny or the fact that my life is secretive always pop up when me and him are in our lows.. When I feel loved by him and secure in our relationship nothing really bothers me.

And this makes me wonder how sincere I truly am... Should the choice for this lifestyle not be a matter of principle and belief and be totally unrelated to the way Mr.Hubby acts? Does this make me someone who is just in it for her husband and his affection, and will I run away once things get tough?
It makes me question whether I am steadfast enough in my faith.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Green Dreams

I had this weird dream a few days back. I dreamt that I was talking to Mr.Hubby and 4th. Both of them happened to tell me about a vacation they went to. Since the dates coincided of both their vacations - I of course figured they went on that trip together. And I posed the question in my dream: how peculiar that your holidays just happened to be exactly in the same week.. :)

It ended up that they had indeed taken a short trip together and me tripping at them for keeping stupid secrets and not being able to deal with things in the way adults do...

How annoyingly blunt dreams can be! Just when I thought the whole jealousy thing was pretty much out the door there comes the reality-check in my dream!

I havent’t had any dreams like this for more three years now..what a bummer!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The tricks of the accursed

Sometimes, when I am hurt, this weird negativity creeps up in my head. You know.. you start thinking the other person doesn’t care. You see images in your head of you being caring, and the other one leaving you out in the cold by yourself - drama.
So you decide to shut yourself off, go your own way... That is my built in mechanism anyway when things go wrong - taking distance.

And there is this thing which always helps me calm down and look at things from a different perspective, and that is the story of Adam and Eve. Weird? Let me explain. I just wanted to post my insights here and see what you guys think.

As you all know Adam and Eve were in Eden, blissful with absolute freedom and happiness – with just a very simple rule “do not touch that one tree”. Now paradise must have been awesome, vast, exciting, and great, so such a simple rule should have been a piece of cake. But still somehow they disobeyed…
They did that out of fear and out of a lack of trust. The devil convinced Eve that God hadn’t told them why they weren’t allowed to eat from the tree because by eating from it they would gain eternity. And without it they would be mortals and eventually die. To scare Eve further he showed her the horrors of their decaying bodies.

Such a simple and straightforward story, but just think about it: the devil convinced them that by listening to him they would attain exactly that which in reality they would lose.. and what they got instead is exactly that which he scared them with!

Isn’t that deep? Every time I get this urge to think negatively because I imagine other people being cruel I try to remember this – and remember that the devil is always out to trick us. I try my best to overcome myself and reach out and be honest about my feelings, instead of taking distance, as that way I definitely risk ending up alone and sad..

Any thoughts?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Defined by numbers

Today I spent some time reading through different blogs, mainly the ones dealing with plural marriages. And it made me wonder why I am actually making myself be defined by the fact that I am in a polygynous marriage?

Shouldn’t I just decide to be a lady instead of 3rdlady? 3rd might be a fact but not a defining fact.

What is our defining fact?

At work I ask all the female colleagues I meet how they would feel about being a stay at home mom and all of them say they could never do it. And when I ask why they answer: I think I would become so dull, I would go nuts, what would I do with my time? To put it in other words: who would I actually be? They are defined by their work. If someone asks them who they are, they will tell them what kind of job they do. And isn’t that kind of sad?!

Or is just the way we are made, and am I spending time thinking about irrelevant stuff?