Monday, July 28, 2008

Late night reflections

It's quite late at night and I could not sleep because of the mosquitoes and because of how hot is was.. I decided to get up and take the time for prayer and reflection. And while I was sitting and meditating a storm broke loose.

What a sensation to be meditating with windows wide open and the sound of the rain and the thunder outside. I felt so at peace and at the same time so energetic. I was reflecting on everything that had happened the day before, asking God to guide me in every step and protect me from any type of negative feelings I have. And with every such thought I felt myself becoming more and more – what word would best describe it – healed…it was so soothing. Just wonderful..

We do such injustice to God. I forget about Him throughout the day, complain about this or that and forget to ask Him for help. Then I turn to Him just once and He lifts me up regardless of my forgetfulness of Him and all my ungratefulness. If it were a relationship between two people I would be the incredibly egoistic and self-oriented one, and not one person would endure me. But He is always there.
I feel bad for ever complaining about how people treat me, when I show Him so little love, affection and care. We should love God, He loves back. Instead of asking love from people around us..
He might even love us through the people around us.
It’s still raining.
I love the sound of the rain.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


Sorry for not posting for a while... I have been on a business trip which prevented me from connecting and writing down my thoughts. It’s been an incredibly busy week, but very interesting.

Few days back I was in the midst of a presentation, when all of a sudden it struck me that I felt so disconnected. You see, my co-workers know just a part of me, they know my professional self. And though they know me, they know so little about me. And sometimes this makes me feel like I am leading this schyzo life. If you ever saw the movie Jumper – that’s what I mean. I continuously have to jump from one life to the other, my professional life, to relatives life, to friends life, to polygyny life… and the differences are so huge. My family, me being 3rd, could not be further apart from the person I have to be in the workspace. And that sucks up so much energy.

I think it’s such a wonderful thing when someone is true and genuine with the people around them. But how can we do that if we have to keep secrets? Mr.Hubby always says we have our universal intrinsic values which we can share and live freely. But the schyzo life sometimes really gets to me.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

A test of trustworthiness

I have been trying to deepen my understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, since I made the intention to try and be with others the way I wish for them to be with me.
Now some small thing happened and I still haven’t quite figured out what a true trustworthy person would do.. I had an appointment with Mr.Hubby for a cup of coffee not too far from 4th’s home - since it was her day and he was going to go there afterwards for dinner.

My talk with him is not the subject of this post but just to share: Mr.Hubby said that he was feeling very tired since it seems that when everything is fine with one wife he gets into a quarrel with the other, and then the cycle starts all over again with the four of us. He said that he felt like he was constantly busy extinguishing small fires instead of reaching certain long term goals, and he expressed the hope that we would finally commit to a life together as a true family, instead of our continuous small bickering... It was a tough conversation as I felt that lot of our problems have to do with his insensitivity in our affairs, but in general I do agree with him and do understand where he’s coming from. He just wants a loving and true family and some time to look forward..

After an hour we said goodbye and I went home and when I looked at my cell I saw two missed calls from 4th. So I called back and found her very cold and annoyed on the phone. She said that she just called to fix an appointment for the weekend – so we did – and then she asked if I left work just now, so I told her I was almost at home. Then we hung up. The words exchanged were little but to me they said a lot... She had tried to reach Mr.Hubby and found no answer, then she tried to reach me just to see if I would answer the phone. When I didn’t, she knew I was with him and got pissed. Then he called back to tell he was on his way and no doubt soon after I returned her call as well. And just to be sure she asked if I was leaving work… She did not share this with me, but I knew it.

I knew all of this already when I saw the two missed calls. I knew all of this in my heart and it made me pissed off to hear her annoyed and cold tone of voice. I was so busy with work these last weeks that he spent ample time with her on my why bother if I sit for an hour and have a cup of coffee with him? Why not just be generous and be happy that I finally could?

While I was walking home I wondered what would a trustworthy person do? To honor my intention, what should I have done?