Friday, July 17, 2009

Bygones attack

You know the memories that keep popping up? Even when you agreed with yourself that you should just let bygones be bygones?
I get them sometimes, and they upset my mood. I am about to get to that week of the month in which my mood is not optimal anyway, and now some memories knock on my door, and before I can even really decide whether to let them in, they are already there in my face…staring at me...forcing me to stare back.

Like this one time; 4th invited to me over to her home, with Mr.Hubby. Her home back then was kinda small with the bedroom attached to the living room without a door, just a doorway. The atmosphere was fine, I sat on the floor, facing her bedroom, we were drinking tea. They were discussing something, I wasn’t part of the conversation, so I looked around the home and noticed next to her bed a bottle of massage oil, a hand wash bottle, folded underneath it a bedspread. And then I remembered Mr.Hubby telling me to buy a hand wash bottle to put olive oil in it to use during lovemaking, and me telling him no since it would just be odd to have such a thing in my bedroom with sisterwives and kids in my home regularly.
And then I felt my heart sink in, and I was thinking to myself what response to this situation would God be most pleased with. The folded bedspread was to prevent stains I figured.. and I sat there thinking why she left that in plain sight when she knew I was coming over?

And this other time when we were visiting her again, and she left the stuff out there more than once, anyway, Mr.Hubby kissed her goodbye in front of me, which not one of us ever does, and she just gave me this big smile and said goodbye as if it was our regular routine, I was a bit perplexed and silent and before we got into the car Mr.Hubby told me he had to go to 1st there was an emergency, and he left, without any kiss, and I am till this day quite sure that was a lie and that he eventually went back to 4th that day.

And there are other things that linger in the back of my head, pop up, I say I want to move on, and then they leave, just to come back some time later. Some of them are related to 4th others to the rest. They affect my mood. Bring some kind of dark cloud over me. Mr.Hubby always tells us we should leave the past in the past. I respect that because I see that he really does that. He never brings old things up, even if it really bothered him when it happened. I am not sure what would really make me let I rest for real.. any thoughts?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The pursuit of happiness and true goals

I have small eyes today. Very small eyes, and they burn as well.. I stayed up till way too late with Mr.Hubby, talking talking, and some love-making, and talking.. and so I slept little.

Talking with Mr.Hubby is the best.

I love it.

I’ll write down some stuff – all of it would be too much..

The most important thing for me was that we talked about the fact that I find life boring sometimes. There are things that interest me and make me happy, but overall I find it quite meaningless to wake up every day and work and run a household, and repeat a routine. I think that it might change when I become a mom, because being responsible for kids will make me want to face every new day, but the worst thing would be if I became a mom and I’d still experience a sense of purposelessness. I am really yearning for some spiritual nearness, something real.
Mr.Hubby said that I could be compared to Little Rebel if he were asking about what it means to be a dad. He’d think it means paying bills, or having a wife, or playing with kids, while the whole concept of carrying the responsibility of fatherhood is something which is too vague for him to grasp. Mr.Hubby said he thinks I have read a lot about spirituality so that my gaze is fixed on that horizon which makes me forget what I need to do to get there. I just keep staring to that distance and am oblivious to my inability to carry it.

I asked him what it was that I needed to focus on right now, and he said ‘being aware of God’s presence in your life at all times, in good and in bad. Being aware of His Will over all things.’ He said it’s such an easy thing to say, but a very difficult thing to practice and that not one of us can be granted any trusts until we prove we can carry His Will. Otherwise we are bound to make the same mistake the devil made when he was still in paradise and was unwilling to accept Adam. He opposed Devine Will in a split second, and that was enough to get him thrown out of Devine Presence to be cursed forever more. Now we oppose Devine Will all the time. So how can we be let into that Devine Presence in such a state…

Yeah… I am far away from servanthood.

But a lot of things click in my mind right now. Like people in nice suits and bright cufflinks that seem very respectable, but just become terrible while in traffic. So much anger and animosity comes from people in such small moments when another person behaves in a way that is unexpected or deemed wrong.. Yet we uphold this image of civilization, of good behavior. Even to ourselves.
And it makes sense why people can become monsters in monstrous situations, like those of war or when they are simply given the power or possibility to be in that way.

Mr.Hubby said that we are placed here on earth with a yearning for paradise, we are originally creatures of paradise, that is our home, not this life. Our souls have a deep yearning for it. And we sense that, we have a feeling of emptiness and longing here in this life. And since our reality is veiled to us and we do not remember our origins, we look around thinking ‘maybe having this or that will make me happy, maybe being married will make me happy, maybe being single will make me happy, maybe doing yoga will give me that inner peace’. We are in continuous search of fulfillment and it is not to be found in anything earthly. Not in a truly lasting way at least.

This life is more like a big cleaning exercise. All the weed growing around our hearts which is making us impure needs to be cut away. So that we may be deserving of our grants. And not be deceived like Adam and Eve were deceived to disobey just one simple order ‘not to eat from that tree’. All of paradise was available to them and was made lawful to them. All of it; and it must have been splendid. Just one, such simple rule, and they were bound to disobey it.

So we are put in hardships, sickness comes to us, people hurt us, we experience loss, tragedies, just to make us to bow down. And if we do not manage in this life, we are cleaned further in the grave, and then if needed during the Day of Resurrection, and then if still needed in Hell.

I am praying to get there in this life. But I keep getting upset about everything that happens which bothers me. I have moments in which I can brush everything off my shoulders and say ‘He knows best and I am happy’ and in those moments everything opens up and goes my way. However most of the time I just keep battling people and keep battling life. Keep getting upset about how everyone behaves..

I am hoping that by writing this down I will remember my goals better. Maybe read back once in a while as a reminder. So this piece of text is as much for myself as it is for you guys.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

What's emancipation in the end?

I am not sure if you guys noticed but I posted a message on my chatbox on the blog that I was unable to open the Married1234 blog.. now the same thing has been happening with my own blog, with Minty's blog and some other sites.. It's weird. I open the website, the content shows, and then all of a sudden I get kicked off, from my own site even.

Sorry for the delay in my posts, right now I am at work and here I managed to stay connected. Not sure how I will resolve this issue.

What's new with you guys?

I will tell you my news:
I have a nice tan.
I closed off my fiscal year, and earned a nice bonus.
Wearing flats today so life is easy.
Sisterwives seem to be content.
Tonight I am planning on eating New York Super Fudge Chunck...
I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and seem to be the only person who actually really liked it (BumbleBee is great).

Some days ago I watched Pride and Prejudice. I am not sure what it is with us women and romantic stories.. We love them. And to be honest I think that even the angry feminists, you know the ones that insist on changing the tyre themselves, secretly love them..I bet they close the curtains and watch the movies in secret.
It’s nice to watch a romantic movie and just for a moment enter that pinky world where all ends well. And you know I realized that there is a whole range of things that cater to that need of women for a world of true and unconditional love in relationships – songs, movies, books, magazines, home accessories… Any romantic product will have women as main customer base. And the funny thing is that race or culture really do not matter. It’s like a universal female weak spot.. It starts with fairy tales, and when we get older we move more towards love stories. Though I saw an interview with a publisher of those romance novels saying they have a vast range of women among their clients not just housewives as people tend to think, but highly-paid working women as well.

Then I started thinking of men, men don’t seem to get it. Mr.Hubby usually falls asleep when I make him watch a soppy love-story, even if it’s a romantic comedy, which I think is an attempt of the industry to make these movies interesting for men as well. Maybe in India the men are different, their movies seem to be full of unrealistic love-stories, I’d say the market is so big that it can’t be just women who watch them.

But in general men are much more interested in se.x. The se.x industry has men as their #1 customer. And when you really try to put things in perspective, like the vastness, the enormity of it, I find it scary. Yeah my friends always joke about how men just watch p0rn, and that it’s a fact of life.. but I think that’s downsizing the issue.
There is tons of money spent on magazines, calendars, p0rn (and this comes in such varying degrees with stuff that is just plain disgusting like se.x with animals), websites, str!pclubs, call g!rils, b0ud0ires.. Business men regularly order pr0stitues when on business trips, and I remember one time a few male friends from my college showed me this street in the city we studied in where it was full with the her0ine addicted h00kers, now these women do not look like women any more, they are skinny, without teeth, they wear dirty clothes, and just look like death is around the corner.. the guys drove me there to show me how men in BMW 5 series and other high class cars went there and picked the women up. I just couldn’t believe that a man with plenty of money would want to have se.x with one of those of women but it was undeniably true.

Now I didn’t even go into how many women experience se.xual abuse in their life, and how many girls experience it in their youth, often from men in their family. And there is tons of other stuff out there in terms of se.xually deviant behaviours and child predators etc.

If you try and put the whole set of behaviors into one big picture, you have to admit that men and women are just totally different. That notion, which was developed in the sixties and the seventies that men and women were equal, that our bodies differed a bit, but that our minds were the same, is just so wrong. We are as opposite as we could possibly be.
That was a line of thinking with which equality was defended. While being equal in worth really doesn’t mean that we have to be the same.. Real emancipation according to me is when we are allowed all our differences and are still valued as much as the other party. A woman should be able to be feminine and succeed in her career still. Forcing women to be masculine and tough, and forcing men to be monogamous is just blowing our world up. We're creating societies in which women feel unfulfilled and men are leading double-lives..