Friday, July 17, 2009

Bygones attack

You know the memories that keep popping up? Even when you agreed with yourself that you should just let bygones be bygones?
I get them sometimes, and they upset my mood. I am about to get to that week of the month in which my mood is not optimal anyway, and now some memories knock on my door, and before I can even really decide whether to let them in, they are already there in my face…staring at me...forcing me to stare back.

Like this one time; 4th invited to me over to her home, with Mr.Hubby. Her home back then was kinda small with the bedroom attached to the living room without a door, just a doorway. The atmosphere was fine, I sat on the floor, facing her bedroom, we were drinking tea. They were discussing something, I wasn’t part of the conversation, so I looked around the home and noticed next to her bed a bottle of massage oil, a hand wash bottle, folded underneath it a bedspread. And then I remembered Mr.Hubby telling me to buy a hand wash bottle to put olive oil in it to use during lovemaking, and me telling him no since it would just be odd to have such a thing in my bedroom with sisterwives and kids in my home regularly.
And then I felt my heart sink in, and I was thinking to myself what response to this situation would God be most pleased with. The folded bedspread was to prevent stains I figured.. and I sat there thinking why she left that in plain sight when she knew I was coming over?

And this other time when we were visiting her again, and she left the stuff out there more than once, anyway, Mr.Hubby kissed her goodbye in front of me, which not one of us ever does, and she just gave me this big smile and said goodbye as if it was our regular routine, I was a bit perplexed and silent and before we got into the car Mr.Hubby told me he had to go to 1st there was an emergency, and he left, without any kiss, and I am till this day quite sure that was a lie and that he eventually went back to 4th that day.

And there are other things that linger in the back of my head, pop up, I say I want to move on, and then they leave, just to come back some time later. Some of them are related to 4th others to the rest. They affect my mood. Bring some kind of dark cloud over me. Mr.Hubby always tells us we should leave the past in the past. I respect that because I see that he really does that. He never brings old things up, even if it really bothered him when it happened. I am not sure what would really make me let I rest for real.. any thoughts?


Mts511 said...

This is a tough one - I have the same problem with the past coming back to Haunt me dreding up old feelings - but I have learned to let go of things, which is easier said then done - one thing that helped me was this book called the Language of Letting by Melody Beattie, the book feels a bit silly at first but it gives you a daily passage to read that really helps with all emotions - I bet your local library has it. :) Hope this helps and keep your chin up :)

Mts511 said...

Sorry correction - The book is titles: The Language of Letting Go Author: Melody Beattie :)

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Sneaky sneaky that #4. You do realize that she did all of that on purpose right?????? I had the same experience with the kissing once...I think I wrote about it but hey I am not going to talk about it cuz I will get angry and I am also trying to do the bygone thing......

Anonymous said...

MEN ARE STUPID... Well when it comes to us women. She had probably been making him feel like sh!t and all guilty and stuff. Maybe she had been all sensitive with him. Maybe he felt he HAD to give her a kiss, so no drama would start. You know dumb shit. And he probably didn't kiss you because he trust that your grown up to handle it or maybe he was afraid she was watching out the window and she wasn't able to handle the site of him kissing another like you are... I don't know..

UAR is right.. of course that sneaky #4 done that on purpose..
I would of had to make a comment about it.. a little snide remark.. like.. Oh my, how embarrassing, but since you left it out and now it is known.. have you tried the flavored creame/lotions? All I can say is WOW, hubby has one hell of a tongue.

Of course I am sure that way isn't pleasing to Allah, but you know us women...

CM said...

Don't you just hate those pesty little memories that seem to pop up for no reason. I have the same problem. My husband often reminds me to stop pulling from my "file cabinet". He also says a "file" can not be pulled if it is 5 years or older. Unfortunetly for him, they don't expire and I have been known to pull one from 20 years ago. LOL

I can't speak for you, but I have found that even though the files seem to pop up for no reason, usually there is something that triggers them. For me the trigger almost always is connected to the same unresolved issue or emotion that caused me to file the memory away in the first place. If I can figure out what the underlying trigger is then I can put the memories away and deal with the trigger instead, which usually invoves concentrating on my needs or something in my life that needs to change instead of the person or thing involved in my file memory.

So much for my "Lucy - The Doctor is In" (from Charlie Brown) analysis. Sorry, I know, Lucy does it so much better!

That will be 5 cents please.

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikum sis,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. I know what you mean about bygones coming back to you from time to time though; it happens to me too (around that time of the month in particular, haha), and it truly is a pain to deal with. For the entire day, whatever it is is all I can think about and fret over, but some things are sure -- it's the past, it can't be changed, and there's really no use stressing over it. It's natural for women to feel the way you do about what happened though; I'm sure that I would feel uncomfortable and bothered as well if I experienced the same thing.

I do not know 4th so I will not judge what her intentions are or aren't (maybe she did it on purpose, maybe she didn't, who knows -- Allahu alam), so I will not comment on that but I hope that you will feel better soon, insha'Allah.

new#3 said...

Oh Third...I know those pesky memories very well. Very few men understand them.

As for your number 4. Hmmm we have one of that type here too but you know what? It will never change so the best thing to do is ignore it best you can. Some people, like husbands, don't notice that particular strain of sneakiness, and some husbands fear sulkiness and pouting more than raised voices.
The best advice I can give you is to speak your peace about the kissing and other stuff like that to both your husband and to her. Even be firm with her about your feelings. Then, let it go. It could change; it could bother you less and less; or it could go on a lifetime. I am walking with you.

UmmUmarNY said...

I've just gotten through a few of these days as well...and my husband has not re-married yet!!! It's all hormones... Take it one day at a time, and know once the 'monthly thing' eases down you'll be 'back to normal'!!! Shaytaan likes to 'poke' during that time and so it helps to 'keep connected' with Allah by making Dhikr, etc. You know, I'm not even sure if you are Muslim or not, so please excuse me if I'm giving you the wrong advice... I still believe no matter what religion a woman is, the experiences are the same during this time. Please correct me if I'm wrong!!

Anonymous said...

Hello, loads of great advice here!! i would just be open with him, about what is bugging you.. letting it out, is better than keeping the problem in and letting it get bigger..

3rd... said...

thanks you guys! my male readers remain silent on this one, why is that I wonder..

It really feels nice to know all of you recognize and have felt these types of emotions before..and that I am not a weirdo for getting these weird negative moods.
You know, a few days have passed and I feel completely my normal self again..

Donald said...

Hi 3rd

I agree with New#3 and Minty… that you should be open with Mr Hubby about it. If there's an understanding that you don't kiss in front of the other wives, then it was wrong to do that in front of you… and if he lied about whose place he was going to, that's not an insignificant thing — of course that's going to upset you. Anyone, husband or wife, would be upset about being lied to. If you want real healing and forgiveness to happen, you need to be open and talk about these things.

If I wasn't one of your male readers I might ask whether it's time for you and your sister wives to all move towards being more openly affectionate with Mr Hubby. But I am, so I won't. ;)

These feelings aren't restricted to women BTW. Men experience jealousy and painful memories too.

Bilqees said...

Whoah! that's a tough one!Just reading your post makes me wana strip my mood!

I've learnt from my past,almost big mistake,that...whatever you are not willing to do,there's somebody just waiting to fall right in.If it's against your beliefs and values then you will obviously do the right thing,but i say,if you have nothing to lose by doing it then go for it,because if you don't, someone else surely will.

Hope you rest well,and kick the bygones in the butt!lol!

Safiyyah said...

Greetings of Peace Dear Third:

How does one let the past stay in the past when it constantly creeps into the present (by seemingly little things happening over and over)? Some wounds are cumulative. In order to fully let go, one must process an event. Or one must do something different. Too often, we as women tend to tolerate events. We don't really let them go. We just try to move on. But, that is difficult with emotional events. So, when something new happens, it brings back the old stuff.

It works that way for me.

I think that polygny constantly places the women players in a state of competition.

As a therapist, I am very familiar with Melody Beattie's work. While helpful for "all" emotions, it mainly addresses those that are a result of codependent relationships.

I think that the plural marriage situation will probably always be a source of pain and toxic emotions for the majority of the women who are in it.

Most women, if given a choice, would not choose plural marriage. I know that it works for some families, but most Muslim women I know don't like it.

I'd like to see how okay Muslim men would be if the tables were turned.

Tuttie said...

omg sister (hugs) that is a toughy i would have fallen apart crying in a fetal position. subhanaAllah. May Allah swt bless you with iman and give you the highest jannah ameen.

Yasemin said...

Just my take on things and please don't be offended sweetie, I sinerely mean well, but these are my instincts after reading about this.

First, is 4 the youngest and most immature? My feeling is that 4's relationship to husband is all about one thing if you know what I mean. Just based on everything you've ever written. And she wants to rub it in, and show you that this is the case, hence the oil and kissing...

In this sense, you should not feel badly, because you have a much more balanced and intellectual relationship with hub. Love you dearly.

3rd... said...

Yasemin, Tuttie - thanks for commenting.. it is greatly appreciated.. :)

Donald, Bilqees, Saffiyah - I am always happy to read comments from you guys..