Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Dear 3rd, my husband wants another woman, should I agree to it?

It's been ages since I have written on this blog. Every now and then - maybe a few times a year - I open up my mailbox just out of curiosity. Interestingly enough people still email me regularly. They ask for advice or sometimes want me to be part of some television show on polygamy. (Sorry tv-folks; not going to happen.)

A question I have received often comes from women who are asking for advice whether or not they should agree to their husband taking on another wife. I am sure many women point blank refuse such a thought from their husband. The ones that email me are usually struggling, they are not sure whether to be open to the idea or not.

So if you are in this situation - and you are wondering what to do - I have no clear cut answer, but the only thing I can do is give you some ideas to consider.

Usually the women see certain benefits in the arrangement.

_ someone to help out around the house and with the kids

sounds appealing right?...someone to help out with the task of taking care of the household, bringing kids to soccer practice, cleaning up some of the mess

_ someone to be friends with and confide in

wouldn't it be great to have someone who completely agrees that your husband is being insensitive and helps you fight some of the battles you have with him, so he will end up more considerate?

_someone who keeps the husband satisfied se.xually

after years of marriage some women don't have the energy to be as physically intimate with their husbands as they were in the beginning, to an extent they like the thought of someone else taking some of this pressure off of them

Now, I can see all these points, and I am sure there are polygynous relationships in which the women actually experience these benefits. But there is a big thing missing in these considerations...
What will the second wife want out of the arrangement?
And what will the husband want out of the arrangement?

Before making a decision you have to consider the second wife's point of view.
She probably doesn't feel like she has been put on earth to make your life easier and unburden you. And no matter how selfless an act you are performing by allowing her to step into your relationship with your husband, she will want a relationship of her own with him. She will want to be treated as an equal, and not as someone who is there to give you and your husband room to breathe.

This is a basic human need, and as a woman you should respect that.

Once you allow her in, you will have to SHARE. If you are ok with that, if you are ok with making arrangements during the holidays on who gets quality time with him when, who gets what weekend days with him when, if you are ok with her having kids of her own and you will be understanding that her kids will need just as much time with their dad as your kids do... if you realize that she is her own person with her own points of view that will be different from yours ... then ok - you may potentially be ready to reap the benefits of polygyny.

But there is still your husband's point of view to consider.
I know many people look down on this way of life and say that the husband is just exploiting the women, he is some per.vert or whatever... All bs if you ask me. It is perfectly normal for a very decent and kind guy to think of other women and maybe even to want to take care of more than one woman and more than one family.

Sure some men may be driven to this because they are sexually frustrated. In that case they may end up bringing in a second wife which doesn't share any of the values that you do. Men's ability to reject women and be selective is limited at that point. This second wife he brings in may be insecure, needy, ready to accept you as part of the relationship only because she thinks she can make him leave you in the end and choose her instead... Beware of your husband's ability to choose carefully... it may become a nightmare if he introduces a bad sample.

Now let's assume you have a decent and caring guy who is simply very honest about his internal desires and wants to offer both you and another woman a good life.
Understand that he will be choosing a wife. He is not choosing a person to help you in the household and change nappies of your babies. If that were the case you would be looking at news paper ads for homemakers. Nope.. he will chose someone he is physically and emotionally attracted to and that will be visible to you. You know your husband better than anyone else. Do you really think you won't be confronted with these emotions which will start to develop in both of them?
Be ready to deal with a husband that will be in a happy pinky place, a bit distracted, and giddy. That can be utterly annoying if you are stressed out and feeling alone.

You may be reading this and thinking - I can accept this in principle. I can understand my husband's needs and also the second wife's needs. I think I can do this.

Then hey - live and prosper! :)

I personally don't believe I could have done this without faith. You know, we are all mortals, flawed, ego-driven and ego-centric. My husband has hurt me many times, as well as my sister-wives. And I have hurt them. On some occasions it has been really rough. There were times with very little communication between us sister wives. Or periods of time when we were all upset with our husband and he was getting troubles in any home he went to.
Whoever has read through my blog has seen some of that in the posts.
I don't think I would have stuck through it if I didn't believe it served a bigger purpose. If I didn't believe this is where God wanted me to be.
That has been my way of going through all of this and finally - as my last post said - getting undefined by the situation. I am a wife of my husband. The whole 3rd thing really doesn't matter.
And my sisterwives are his wives too.
Their numbers don't matter either.

I hope whatever you chose to do, that you are honest with yourself. Never let a man drag you into a situation where you feel you are crossing your own boundaries. We should never let people bully us into anything. And we should definitely not be married to someone who pushes us to do stuff we feel uncomfortable with. If you want to explore this way of life, do it at your pace. He wants something from you right? Then he better let you decide the pace.

Good luck to all,
and if you want to email me or comment on this - feel free to do so. I may reply some months later, but your message WILL be read. :)

3rd (who doesn't care she is 3rd anymore :p)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Undefined by numbers

Hello all.. Well, I didn't want to come back here and say I was busy, though I was, but it was obviously not the reason for my absence. It took me some evaluating to figure out why exactly I haven't felt the need to write anything for so long. One might think it's because of some issues, well no..not at all.
For those that have read my blog since the beginning you might remember the post 'defined by numbers', in which I was wondering why it is that the fact I am 3rd tends to dominate my life, it seems to be so defining.. Well, it isn't anymore. Actually I hardly ever think about polygyny at all nowadays, and that's a good thing. The reason for this is probably that the amount of fights have reduced to almost zero. This does not mean we're the best of friends. We just hang out as much as we feel like it and not more than that. As far as I am concerned this works really well.
Another important thing is that I feel like I have fully come to terms with this lifestyle. And this has really a lot to do with this blogging-thing, and especially with the insightful comments from all of you. Especially Donald, Sage, CM, and a special reader that has always preferred to comment by mail, namely Paul. And of course UmmAR kept me smiling.
Then there were the stories of all the other people that live this lifestyle or that have lived this lifestyle, they have helped me get a better perspective on who I am and how I want to live my own life.
Doesn't this feel like a goodbye?
Kind of, it does, I am wondering if it makes sense to keep blogging as 3rd. I don't feel like venting about polygyny anymore. I might occasionally, but will it really fill a blog? Right now it seems it won't.
At the moment I am inclined to just leave this blog open and whenever I feel like it update something, but I haven't made my final decision yet. What do you guys think?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Sometimes things just take you by surprise

You'll never guess what happened!
4th all of a sudden started talking to me!
Yeah, I know, crazy right?
And it happened almost immediately after I wrote that previous post.
Its like God said, 'Ok, I see you are trying, I'll make it easier for you'.
I was actually a bit too shocked to respond at first. But then I did my best to communicate back as well. Today I made an effort to talk to her myself. Nothing special really - superficial stuff, but definitely less strained. Not sure why she changed her mind though, it surely took me by surprise.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Feedback please

Hello all.. I'd appreciate some tips today.
There is not much new stuff to write about. My relationship with 1st and 2nd is steady, not anything deep but we try to communicate about the most important events in the week for example. But with 4th it is quite strained. We limit it to the mere necessities. Now in a way I am fine with that. And in a way I feel like I souldn't have to try and change that since she obviously isn't trying.
But then again, I feel like I should just be the bigger woman so to speak. My aim is not to achieve friendship, not now anyway. But it would be nice to not feel so iced up when talking to her. Any tips?
I have considered making it a one way effort. So just start talking to her about something that happened to me during the week, even if she doesn't really respond to it. But I am honestly not so good at that "we're pretending everything is fine" type of thing. And it seems this requires some faking. Or is there another way?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I haven't updated here in ages it seems. Been cheating on you guys, found a new place to vent. It's writing... fiction. And I am writing for me only, not sharing it on any blog or whatever.
It's really weird, but it totally lifts me up. Though I've realized that in the end its just another way to escape reality. If I am walking or in the car or whatever, cooking even, a part of my brain disconnects and I enter some other world, my imaginary world. Then, when I have to get back to reality and really focus, it seems that much easier and somehow even more interesting.
It would be the best thing ever if I could end up earning a living with writing. A lot of discipline is involved with it though and whether I will ever finish a book I really don't know. It seems like my head holds an entire lake of thoughts and ideas and what's on paper is maybe just a cupfull. It takes a lot of times to translate feelings, images and thoughts into words. Words that convey them all well anyway...
But nuff about that. Some updates from my side. Mr.Hubby told me he wants to change the schedule. Its time for something more balanced according to him. He would want to move to a two days each .. I would really love that! It's not decided yet. He has to talk to the other wives separately and see in what way he can make it work with everyone. I guess 1st and 2nd will still want some kind of arrangement in which the kids get to see him more often, for dinner at least for example.
Then... Mr.Hubby said its time to start planning for kids! He said he hopes I will be pregnant a year from now at the latest.. :) I'm really nervous thinking about it but at the same time so excited. I've been thinking about this for so long. Sometimes I felt like nothing really mattered and I should just have kids regardless of the situation. Other times I've felt like there was no way I could make it work. Its been good talking about it with Mr.Hubby.
I am quite tired at the moment and though there is much more to be said on the topics, I will really have to try and post more another time. Right now, I'm in need of some mental silence.
Cheers all.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Big Love airing again

HBO's Big Love season 4 has started and I am really happy about that. There is something about the show that always makes me re-think my own relationships with my sisterwives. I've said it before, but that is my main struggle. The sharing part, the jealousy, the secrecy..all of those aspects I've got pretty much under control. I wouldn't say I've got them fully under control. But definitely 80-90%. Once in a while the remaining 20-10% emerge and slap me in the face, and it hurts, but overall life is easy.
Now relationships with sisterwives.. not so easy. We go back and forth from not communicating, to being civil, to enjoying each others company, to enfuriating one another. But we never get to the level of close friendship. To a feeling of real familiarity, a real bond.
Even though the wives in Big Love have many issues with one another, the main thing that always stands out in the series is the fact that they belong to that one family. And as with any family there are fights, lies, and issues, but its still undeniably a family. We do not have that feeling with one another..
Sometimes I feel like that really isn't necessary either. Why should we be anything more than just civil? Do our lives really have to be so intertwined? But then sometimes, like now, I think well we really only have each other. There is nobody who knows what we go through. We should stick together, and truly let each other in into our hearts.
One needs a big arsenal of social skills in polygyny. And a lot of patience and forgiveness and humbleness. And I fail in all of those traits.

Friday, January 1, 2010


I actually hate twitter.. but this one was brought to my attention, its hilarious

I'm 29. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says

Some funny quotes:

"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."