Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Dear 3rd, my husband wants another woman, should I agree to it?

It's been ages since I have written on this blog. Every now and then - maybe a few times a year - I open up my mailbox just out of curiosity. Interestingly enough people still email me regularly. They ask for advice or sometimes want me to be part of some television show on polygamy. (Sorry tv-folks; not going to happen.)

A question I have received often comes from women who are asking for advice whether or not they should agree to their husband taking on another wife. I am sure many women point blank refuse such a thought from their husband. The ones that email me are usually struggling, they are not sure whether to be open to the idea or not.

So if you are in this situation - and you are wondering what to do - I have no clear cut answer, but the only thing I can do is give you some ideas to consider.

Usually the women see certain benefits in the arrangement.

_ someone to help out around the house and with the kids

sounds appealing right?...someone to help out with the task of taking care of the household, bringing kids to soccer practice, cleaning up some of the mess

_ someone to be friends with and confide in

wouldn't it be great to have someone who completely agrees that your husband is being insensitive and helps you fight some of the battles you have with him, so he will end up more considerate?

_someone who keeps the husband satisfied se.xually

after years of marriage some women don't have the energy to be as physically intimate with their husbands as they were in the beginning, to an extent they like the thought of someone else taking some of this pressure off of them

Now, I can see all these points, and I am sure there are polygynous relationships in which the women actually experience these benefits. But there is a big thing missing in these considerations...
What will the second wife want out of the arrangement?
And what will the husband want out of the arrangement?

Before making a decision you have to consider the second wife's point of view.
She probably doesn't feel like she has been put on earth to make your life easier and unburden you. And no matter how selfless an act you are performing by allowing her to step into your relationship with your husband, she will want a relationship of her own with him. She will want to be treated as an equal, and not as someone who is there to give you and your husband room to breathe.

This is a basic human need, and as a woman you should respect that.

Once you allow her in, you will have to SHARE. If you are ok with that, if you are ok with making arrangements during the holidays on who gets quality time with him when, who gets what weekend days with him when, if you are ok with her having kids of her own and you will be understanding that her kids will need just as much time with their dad as your kids do... if you realize that she is her own person with her own points of view that will be different from yours ... then ok - you may potentially be ready to reap the benefits of polygyny.

But there is still your husband's point of view to consider.
I know many people look down on this way of life and say that the husband is just exploiting the women, he is some per.vert or whatever... All bs if you ask me. It is perfectly normal for a very decent and kind guy to think of other women and maybe even to want to take care of more than one woman and more than one family.

Sure some men may be driven to this because they are sexually frustrated. In that case they may end up bringing in a second wife which doesn't share any of the values that you do. Men's ability to reject women and be selective is limited at that point. This second wife he brings in may be insecure, needy, ready to accept you as part of the relationship only because she thinks she can make him leave you in the end and choose her instead... Beware of your husband's ability to choose carefully... it may become a nightmare if he introduces a bad sample.

Now let's assume you have a decent and caring guy who is simply very honest about his internal desires and wants to offer both you and another woman a good life.
Understand that he will be choosing a wife. He is not choosing a person to help you in the household and change nappies of your babies. If that were the case you would be looking at news paper ads for homemakers. Nope.. he will chose someone he is physically and emotionally attracted to and that will be visible to you. You know your husband better than anyone else. Do you really think you won't be confronted with these emotions which will start to develop in both of them?
Be ready to deal with a husband that will be in a happy pinky place, a bit distracted, and giddy. That can be utterly annoying if you are stressed out and feeling alone.

You may be reading this and thinking - I can accept this in principle. I can understand my husband's needs and also the second wife's needs. I think I can do this.

Then hey - live and prosper! :)

I personally don't believe I could have done this without faith. You know, we are all mortals, flawed, ego-driven and ego-centric. My husband has hurt me many times, as well as my sister-wives. And I have hurt them. On some occasions it has been really rough. There were times with very little communication between us sister wives. Or periods of time when we were all upset with our husband and he was getting troubles in any home he went to.
Whoever has read through my blog has seen some of that in the posts.
I don't think I would have stuck through it if I didn't believe it served a bigger purpose. If I didn't believe this is where God wanted me to be.
That has been my way of going through all of this and finally - as my last post said - getting undefined by the situation. I am a wife of my husband. The whole 3rd thing really doesn't matter.
And my sisterwives are his wives too.
Their numbers don't matter either.

I hope whatever you chose to do, that you are honest with yourself. Never let a man drag you into a situation where you feel you are crossing your own boundaries. We should never let people bully us into anything. And we should definitely not be married to someone who pushes us to do stuff we feel uncomfortable with. If you want to explore this way of life, do it at your pace. He wants something from you right? Then he better let you decide the pace.

Good luck to all,
and if you want to email me or comment on this - feel free to do so. I may reply some months later, but your message WILL be read. :)

3rd (who doesn't care she is 3rd anymore :p)