Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The pursuit of happiness and true goals

I have small eyes today. Very small eyes, and they burn as well.. I stayed up till way too late with Mr.Hubby, talking talking, and some love-making, and talking.. and so I slept little.

Talking with Mr.Hubby is the best.

I love it.

I’ll write down some stuff – all of it would be too much..

The most important thing for me was that we talked about the fact that I find life boring sometimes. There are things that interest me and make me happy, but overall I find it quite meaningless to wake up every day and work and run a household, and repeat a routine. I think that it might change when I become a mom, because being responsible for kids will make me want to face every new day, but the worst thing would be if I became a mom and I’d still experience a sense of purposelessness. I am really yearning for some spiritual nearness, something real.
Mr.Hubby said that I could be compared to Little Rebel if he were asking about what it means to be a dad. He’d think it means paying bills, or having a wife, or playing with kids, while the whole concept of carrying the responsibility of fatherhood is something which is too vague for him to grasp. Mr.Hubby said he thinks I have read a lot about spirituality so that my gaze is fixed on that horizon which makes me forget what I need to do to get there. I just keep staring to that distance and am oblivious to my inability to carry it.

I asked him what it was that I needed to focus on right now, and he said ‘being aware of God’s presence in your life at all times, in good and in bad. Being aware of His Will over all things.’ He said it’s such an easy thing to say, but a very difficult thing to practice and that not one of us can be granted any trusts until we prove we can carry His Will. Otherwise we are bound to make the same mistake the devil made when he was still in paradise and was unwilling to accept Adam. He opposed Devine Will in a split second, and that was enough to get him thrown out of Devine Presence to be cursed forever more. Now we oppose Devine Will all the time. So how can we be let into that Devine Presence in such a state…

Yeah… I am far away from servanthood.

But a lot of things click in my mind right now. Like people in nice suits and bright cufflinks that seem very respectable, but just become terrible while in traffic. So much anger and animosity comes from people in such small moments when another person behaves in a way that is unexpected or deemed wrong.. Yet we uphold this image of civilization, of good behavior. Even to ourselves.
And it makes sense why people can become monsters in monstrous situations, like those of war or when they are simply given the power or possibility to be in that way.

Mr.Hubby said that we are placed here on earth with a yearning for paradise, we are originally creatures of paradise, that is our home, not this life. Our souls have a deep yearning for it. And we sense that, we have a feeling of emptiness and longing here in this life. And since our reality is veiled to us and we do not remember our origins, we look around thinking ‘maybe having this or that will make me happy, maybe being married will make me happy, maybe being single will make me happy, maybe doing yoga will give me that inner peace’. We are in continuous search of fulfillment and it is not to be found in anything earthly. Not in a truly lasting way at least.

This life is more like a big cleaning exercise. All the weed growing around our hearts which is making us impure needs to be cut away. So that we may be deserving of our grants. And not be deceived like Adam and Eve were deceived to disobey just one simple order ‘not to eat from that tree’. All of paradise was available to them and was made lawful to them. All of it; and it must have been splendid. Just one, such simple rule, and they were bound to disobey it.

So we are put in hardships, sickness comes to us, people hurt us, we experience loss, tragedies, just to make us to bow down. And if we do not manage in this life, we are cleaned further in the grave, and then if needed during the Day of Resurrection, and then if still needed in Hell.

I am praying to get there in this life. But I keep getting upset about everything that happens which bothers me. I have moments in which I can brush everything off my shoulders and say ‘He knows best and I am happy’ and in those moments everything opens up and goes my way. However most of the time I just keep battling people and keep battling life. Keep getting upset about how everyone behaves..

I am hoping that by writing this down I will remember my goals better. Maybe read back once in a while as a reminder. So this piece of text is as much for myself as it is for you guys.

9 comments:

Hidden Sage said...

Interesting.

There are a few things I want to share with you, but won't be able to right now.

Just wanted to post the first comment is all. :P

Faith in Writing said...

I agree. It is so easy for me as well, to get caught up in what upsets me, rather than remembering God's amazing influence in/over my life. I am often sick of the day to day, and yet it is never ending...
It is very very difficult to remember God when everything else seems to pile up around your ears during the day.
I love the way you talk about your husband, btw. He sounds lovely,and like a great mentor to you in a way. It is nice the kind of relationship you have. Do you mind me asking where he is from? And where you are from?
(I am Aussie and my hub is Palestinian)

Donald said...

I decided to email my thoughts privately to 3rd, but she encouraged me to share on the blog, so…

Seeing your kids grow and develop is one of the most rewarding experiences on Earth, and I feel sorry for families who leave their kids in full-time childcare from a very early age and miss out on so much of their lives… BUT… I know from my wife (and what I've heard from other mums) that being a stay-home mum can also be very isolating, and let's be honest… sometimes dull and boring.

On top of that, my wife went through some serious depression after our first child, as do quite a lot of women I believe. It was one of the best and worst times in our life. Here we were, blessed with this precious little life, and so many precious moments… but meanwhile our marriage almost broke down.

I hope all this is not getting you down. I hope you can work out a way of doing this where you find support and fulfillment. Having your first child is such a beautiful time… I just wouldn't want you heading into it with unrealistic expectations of how it will improve your life.

I personally believe a lot of the problems for young mums — isolation, loneliness, boredom, depression — come from our society's loss of community. In many other cultures people lived in communities of extended families and friends, where there was always fellowship and support.

Donald said...

Oh, a question just came to mind… Currently, I understand your sister wives with children get more days with My Hubby. Will this change once you have kids and need more of his support?

Minty said...

it can be hard to remember Allah/God when the kids are screaming in your ear, and the pans are boiling over and the hub wants his shirt ironing etc...

time management lol! and knowing our limits, and setting them... ;)

mine is having some time to reflect on Allah... and its my time for peace, in mega busy times. I think i am a better person and mum for taking that time.

Sage, you are right about isolation, i was 27 when i had my first baby, and loved the experience, but once i was hope 24/7 i started to feel trapped and needed to talk about it, but it was hard to share these feelings, i was torn between my baby and my head saying help, so God only knows how really young mums cope...

3rd, great post and it really left a big impression on me, good reminder..

minty

path2felicity said...

I can relate to this post. I think what is frustrating for me is that I need to get over these lofty goals I have for spirituality. I need to humble myself and worship not because I want to reach these goals (e.g., having veils lifted from my heart and eyes to see the Reality of things) but simply because God is worthy of all my worship. Until I can destroy my ego, I will be stuck in a very bad place.

Donald- I love your post and I could not agree with this part more: I personally believe a lot of the problems for young mums — isolation, loneliness, boredom, depression — come from our society's loss of community. In many other cultures people lived in communities of extended families and friends, where there was always fellowship and support.

Combine that with the stigma that mothers face when they choose to stay at home with their babies and not pursue some high-end career... and it's a recipe for disaster. Women have a lot of difficult decisions to make, and the women's movement did little in providing women with options.

Safa said...

I just wanted to comment on the beautiful communiciation that 3rd shared with her husband.....it must have been a magical night....

Anonymous said...

I see the ad for dianetics.org on your blog. I'm not sure if that's an indication that you are a Scientologist, but if so how does polygamy figure into that belief system?

3rd... said...

@faith in writing - I am hesitant about sharing details like that.. mainly because I want to make sure that would my sisterwives stumble upon this blog they wouldn't immediately figure out its me.. :)

@donald - I am not sure how the schedule would be if I would get pregnant.. haven't really thought about it.. time is already so limited, I guess it would be a big round of battles again to change the schedule; changes are always so hard in polygyny, feelings run so deep

@anonymous - nope nothing to do with scientology.. google shows ads based on content on the website, so the ads are generated automatically. I am not sure why they pop up, I haven't written anything related to aliens so far have I? ;)