Sunday, July 6, 2008

A test of trustworthiness

I have been trying to deepen my understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, since I made the intention to try and be with others the way I wish for them to be with me.
Now some small thing happened and I still haven’t quite figured out what a true trustworthy person would do.. I had an appointment with Mr.Hubby for a cup of coffee not too far from 4th’s home - since it was her day and he was going to go there afterwards for dinner.

My talk with him is not the subject of this post but just to share: Mr.Hubby said that he was feeling very tired since it seems that when everything is fine with one wife he gets into a quarrel with the other, and then the cycle starts all over again with the four of us. He said that he felt like he was constantly busy extinguishing small fires instead of reaching certain long term goals, and he expressed the hope that we would finally commit to a life together as a true family, instead of our continuous small bickering... It was a tough conversation as I felt that lot of our problems have to do with his insensitivity in our affairs, but in general I do agree with him and do understand where he’s coming from. He just wants a loving and true family and some time to look forward..

After an hour we said goodbye and I went home and when I looked at my cell I saw two missed calls from 4th. So I called back and found her very cold and annoyed on the phone. She said that she just called to fix an appointment for the weekend – so we did – and then she asked if I left work just now, so I told her I was almost at home. Then we hung up. The words exchanged were little but to me they said a lot... She had tried to reach Mr.Hubby and found no answer, then she tried to reach me just to see if I would answer the phone. When I didn’t, she knew I was with him and got pissed. Then he called back to tell he was on his way and no doubt soon after I returned her call as well. And just to be sure she asked if I was leaving work… She did not share this with me, but I knew it.

I knew all of this already when I saw the two missed calls. I knew all of this in my heart and it made me pissed off to hear her annoyed and cold tone of voice. I was so busy with work these last weeks that he spent ample time with her on my days..so why bother if I sit for an hour and have a cup of coffee with him? Why not just be generous and be happy that I finally could?

While I was walking home I wondered what would a trustworthy person do? To honor my intention, what should I have done?

17 comments:

*C* said...

I would have said immediately to the other wife that you just saw you missed the calls from her and that you're sorry you didn't pick up. Say you were having a coffee with Mr. Hubby and that he was probably headed over to see her now. I think it would have been best to say that you had the coffee and a talk, maybe even shared that he seemed to be stressed about all of you getting along. I would have made the appt she had wanted to make, and then checked to say that you hoped her feelings weren't hurt be/c you didn't answer the phone. Tell her next time you'll make sure it isn't on vibrate or whatever. Then maybe you could have wished her a good night with Hubby and said you were looking forward to seeing her next time.

I don't know you or her, but that's how I'd have handled it.

Lady Nomadica said...

My dear, why do you assume that you handled it in an untrusting way? To have thoughts and anlayses running through your mind is human and intelligent. To act based on them is dogmatic and at times oppressive. What is there to trust? Are you asking how to be trustworthy or ditsy and naive? I've learned not to apologize for my active mind, and perhaps you shouldn't either. You are responsible for what you do and that you do it with clean intentions- she has a beef about it- I don't see how it automatically means you've done anything or been this or that way with her!?

You guys seem incredibly enmeshed. My philosophy is that if someone is bothered by something they will tell me directly. That way, I don't have to mind read- that's crazy making. I welcome friends to be candid and am free. If I see that something is wrong and they don't talk about it, having given the invitation and having meant it- I trust that if they needed to tell me about their problem they would.

Life is often simpler than we make it. Taking ownership of our stuff and placing trust in others' abilities to get their needs met can be so freeing.

Sorry for the sermon!

Lady Nomadica

~UmmAslam~ said...

As Salaamu Alaikum I agree with *C* I would have stated also that you all had coffee and talked . I mean after all you do have your rights as well. I would also have reinerated that you have been so busy with work and that you just wanted an hour with him. Then apoligies if you upset her.

gr8fultohimswt said...

I agree with *C* as well, honestly you shouldn't have felt odd stating that you were having some Coffee with Mr.Hubby, he is too your Husband and I don't see the problem ESPECIALLY when you have stated that she has spent many of your days with him. We are all human and subject to feelings of jealously but she should have approached you directly instead of playing Inspector Gadget!

hrazzaghi1 said...

Sis, does your husband expect you to keep your meeting with him a secret?

Do you think it would help the situation if it was kept between the two of you, or if you expressed some of his concerns with the other wives?

I also think that your husband should also make it clear that he didn't go see you because he didn't want to see his other wife... but that there was something he needed to talk to you about.

Anonymous said...

oh dear. We have this kind of thing ALL the time. We all live in the same house. I was hoping that was the reason we get in each other's way so to speak. I agree with C. You have nothing to hide and it's better all around if you don't hide little visits like this. I have tried to tell my sister wives and hubby that the so called "day" is really only the evening and bed time but it seems #2 was used to spending her days off from work with him. Now that I am here and not working, I'm around to talk to him if I choose etc. ugh. The logistics are so difficult sometimes. But seriously. She shouldn't have a problem with the truth.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

I do not think that you weren't trustworthy. There must be reasons why you would think that way about her.

I'm a bit disturbed by what your husband said. Even in a monogamous marriage there will be times where it is drama drama drama. There will always be times with trouble but mostly some calm. When a man is dividing his time between numerous wives and children, I don't think it is realistic to exect mostly cool and calm. He is dealing with 4 different women with 4 different personalities. It would be expected that extra women=extra headache. It's just logistics.

I do have to say that although I may have some negative feelings toward the situation it isn't my life. I hope that there is something good that you get from this relationship. There must be if you stayed in it for so long. So, having said that I do wish for you lots of happiness and plenty of ease.

3rd... said...

*c* I decided to take your advice and put my own pride aside, because at the end that was what was holding me back.
I actually prefer it this way - I used to tell her whenever I was with Mr.Hubby, but when I noticed she never did the same, I stopped..
but, will make a fresh start now, and I have decided to be the person I think one needs to be.. who knows maybe she has grown into this as well and maybe its time to put things behind us

@lady nomadica - I hear you fully.. the thing is however that there is little mind-reading involved. I know very well what she feels and why. But she does things that hurt me too so I end up thinking 'suit yourself'.
Goodness lies in small things.. there are many situations on a daily basis which show our true colors and that's where I feel our battles lie

TheAngryMuslimah said...

**** be honest.....dont keep secrets....but do it tastefully...

**** the joys of p-life*****

The Pastoral Princess said...

Hope this situation improves for you. I don't think you did anything that deemed hiding. He is your husband too, you should be able to enjoy his company if you both have free time availalbe to you.

Mum-me said...

Wow, what a lot you have to deal with! Sounds like your husband needs to face facts - he decided to have 4 wives so he has to deal with everything that goes along with it (did he really think he life would be stress-free?). And sounds like 4th needs to also face facts - she chose to marry a man who already had 3 wives so she shouldn't be so miffed if he has coffee with you for an hour.

Sorry, couldn't help offering my two-bits worth.

Hope you are feeling okay about how you handled it, because it sounded just fine to me.

Najeeba said...

I'm not in a position to give any advice about your post... I haven't seen the world so much to put big advices. But I just wonder how the 4 of you go on, without much problems when I feel it difficult to adjust even with my in-laws, living together. Masha Allah! The 4 of you must be good muslimahs. you have got only small issues.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

HELLO???? IS ANYONE THERE???

*C* said...

I hope you have some luck with being more open. It sometimes takes a while to built a new dynamic in a relationship, so be patient if it takes a while for your SW to start reciprocating. Keep us posted on how it goes, though!

Anonymous said...

Of course yr going to be unhappy and constantly enmeshed in trivial powerplays that drain all your energy. You're a powerless wife in a closeted polygamous marriage. I'm sorry, but honestly, what do you expect?

3rd... said...

@najeeba - I was away for a few days so didn't get the chance to reply to your comment, but it really made me smile. Inlaws can indeed be a challenge don't they?
lol

3rd... said...

@anonymous - thanks for commenting! I was wondering why none of the people who find my life obscene or polygny disgusting were commenting, but did bother to fill out the poll...

But to reply: one has to feel powerless to be powerless.. I don't - at all. Not sure what made you think that.

I am curious though: How did you end up here?