Friday, May 30, 2008

Rules of the Game

Since I've been reading about the lives of others in polygyny I have come to realize that everyone has their own way of trying to make it work. It made me wonder about hierarchy between the numbers. In our lives there definitely is a hierarchy, especially towards the 1st, but more or less also between 2nd, 4th and I.

For example, nobody ever complains to Mr.Hubby if 1st gets more time or attention. Actually our time-schedules are divided representing this thought. 1st gets three days of the week, 2nd gets two and me and 4th take turns every other week with the remaining two days. The reason for this, and why I think its fair and just, is that 1st and 2nd have kids. Their household is larger and thus needs more support from Mr.Hubby.
I find it quite un-fair actually if a husband spends the same amount of time with his wives if one has kids and other doesn't...
Sometimes I wonder whether there is a best way of living in polygyny.
Mr.Hubby made an effort in the beginning to ensure we all respected 1st and truly understood what a tremendous sacrifice it was for her to accept sharing him and accept us in her and in his life. In retrospect I am very happy about the way he handled that. If I were 1st that would make me feel much more secure about my relationship with him and about living in polygyny in general.
Not that it solves all the problems. But I feel like it gives a certain peace of mind to 1st which makes it easier for the new wives as well.

15 comments:

*C* said...

We try to be as equal as possible, but perhaps I don't have a very accurate perspective, being the first. It's quite possible that 2nd sees some evidence of hierarchy that I don't notice.
We split Hubby's time evenly, and she even shares childcare responsibilities (she has no kids of he own yet). I think we all have a pretty sweet deal.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Doesn't the second have kids also? So why does she get only 2 days? It seems fair to me though I am not sure because I am the second if I could take only 2 days in the week and let her have 3 but hey if everyone is ok with it and it works then go for it. Hubby here gives us every other day but that was a little stressful so he was thinking of maybe doing 2 days there and 2 days here or maybe even 3 days...but I think by the 3rd day I would be sooo bored I would start to make things up just to scream at him.....

3rd... said...

@c - I guess that's one of the advantages of living together. It becomes easier to spit the time evenly...

@ummabdur-rahmaan - yeah 2nd has kids to, but 1st has more.. :) You make me smile every time you know that? screaming out of boredom.. :) u're nuts girl! but seriously y would u get bored when hubby is gone? I hardly find the time to relax. Boredom almost never bothers me.

gr8fultohimswt said...

Greetings Sister and many thanks for posting your comment on my blog page!!

Now, I loved your most recent entry and think it is very organized that all Wives are okay with how your Hubby's time is being split.

As a upcoming Wife to a Man who already is Married..I honestly DO NOT believe that whom he married to 1st should be entitled to more special treatment then myself..BUT there is a child involved and for that sake the child his(my soon to be Husband) time should be spent more in her household until we have children of our own..

Can I ask...are you planning on having children and did I read correctly in a previous posting of yours that your Family is unaware that you are in this type of a marriage/married?

Blessings!

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I am always bored but when he is here and he is gone and I when I get bored I have an OVERACTIVE imagination....I have too much time to think...I so need a hobby...or REAL friends I can go drink coffee with...not that my internet friends are not friends but sometimes I wanna go get some coffee with a real person not my computer...I talk too much and my brain usually runs faster than my fingers can type....ok I detoured....but when I have too much time I rearrange the furniture several times all the while cursing cuz I know there is some hanky panky going on....but when I finish and have exahusted all of the possibilities aside from tacking the chairs to the ceiling...I wash the dishes and more cursing happens and then I have to call him and scream at him because i have convinced myself that he is terrible and I hate him and want a divorce....he then laughs at me and I hang up on him just to call him back and apologize a few minutes later...and then I am good until the next time he is gone for more than one day....a viscious cycle...

Mum-me said...

So you only get your husband two days every fortnight? Sounds like my life! My husband works so long and hard (when he is home and not away on work trips) that I think we really only get to spend time with him about 2 days per fortnight.

At least you can count on your 2 days. I can't! Work comes first.

The Pastoral Princess said...

You have a very mature outlook about your situation. As the first (and only) wife, your husband's approach to this situation is exactly what it would take for me to be secure and comfortable in such a situation.

Have you all considered living under one roof?

3rd... said...

@ummA-R (lol)
hmmm, I think I would be exhausted if I was in your head for a day.. there should be movie "being ummabdur-rahmaan" What a tornado of a brain have you got!

3rd... said...

@mum-me
That sounds very heavy. Do you get to talk to your husband at least? I find that very helpful.

I indeed see him 2 days every fortnight but we also speak on the phone several times a day and when time permits we go out for a coffee or a walk during the other days..

3rd... said...

@the princess
yeah we did consider living under one roof. It might happen even. Its still a work in progress, since we really want to be sure about taking such a step. It will involve telling some story to the outside worlrd, us being sure about living together, Mr.Hubby understanding our rules of conduct ...

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

If we made a movie from my brain we would be rich because there would always be a sequel

American Muslima Writer said...

3rd if you or fouth would ever have children would the days be changed do you think? And living together is not a good idea I think. Each of the wives of the propeht had their own house. I don't ever remeber hearing about a hadith that says any of them lived together. If you know one please tell. If not, it's easy to understand why, it's harmful mentally for the wmen to know their husband is with another woman (in their own house) just behind taht door making love to her etc.... You can almost ignore the feelings if they are in another hosue but in YOUR own house... I'd go crazy.

3rd... said...

@AMW - i'm sure we will work out a fair schedule when we get to kids.. it has to be considerate of 4th of course. She has to have her time as well, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there
As for living toghether, as long as the home is spacious its alright for me. I want to make sure to have my own space which is large enough to spend quality time in. So no bedroom which only has room for a bed and nothing else. It has to be big enough for a sofa, tv, space to walk around in..

I don't know though, it might not happen after all. We have to make sure it works out for us.

Zeynep said...

why did u accept be the 3rd?

3rd... said...

@zeynep - I'm not sure what u mean.. maybe you can clarify.. or read the "Once and for all" post