Friday, June 13, 2008

Once and for all

So I have been receiving loads of emails and people seem to be curious about who I am, where I am from, when I became 3rd, what my religion is...the 411

Ok, I decided to write and tell you about me, so when I get new requests in my mailbox I can forward the URL of this post.. (and be done with it) :)

First of why the secrecy?
For me to be truly honest and vulnerable - which is my aim - I have to feel secure enough about my anonymity…
I do live this life in secrecy and for now wish to keep it this way. People do not tend to approve of polygyny, I don't know who is reading this and what they will think of me - so the less I share in terms of details the better.
My sisterwives don't know I am writing this blog and since they have no chance to approve of it I feel I have to be careful not to spill their personal life on the web for everyone to read.
What is my faith?
I believe in God – in His Oneness and in His Devine Decree. For me it’s a fact that most His Prophets and Saints lived polygyny. I hope not to get involved in a religious debate with any of you reading this humble little blog. So for me, this is the core of things and I feel any labeling or categorizing is unnecessary. Faith in itself is something which resides in the heart, and I wish to keep mine there - hidden, safe and precious.
How Mr.Hubby and I met
Since we shared the same belief and I knew polygyny was part of this belief, and since we connected… we allowed for the connection to evolve. So I did not become religious because of him. He came after.
Why I felt this was right for me…
This is a topic for several posts actually. In the beginning I just felt that since it was the lifestyle of Prophets and most of their followers, it had to be better than monogamy - even though I did not really understand why or how. So one might say it was a leap of faith. Now I clearly see I benefit from being in this union. I am such a different and more grown person than I would have ever been in a monogamous marriage…
Would I recommend this for other women?
Yes, BUT – make sure you are entering for Him not for the one with the small h. Any man has flaws and in polygyny all his flaws will become supersized and thrown in your face, even on a daily basis. If he is somewhat of an egoist, you will see so much egoism in his dealings with you. It will drive you nuts. You have to be able to step aside and wonder what this situation is supposed to teach you and why. Otherwise you will find yourself wondering whether you are crazy for choosing to live this life. I sometimes still do, and that’s when my beliefs helps me through.
Do I feel guilty towards the other wives?
When they are hurting – yes. I wonder what I might have done differently to make it easier on them and to what extent it was my responsibility to make sure Mr.Hubby acted differently or more kindly towards them. In general however I feel happy and guilt free so to say, since there is really nothing about my relationship with Mr.Hubby to feel guilty for.
As for my age - I am close to 30… hmmmm, that number came way to soon.
And I have been a 3rd for about five years now!
No kids yet.
We each have our own house, we all work, my sisterwives are cool, we meet and chat often, we fight also...
and I guess the rest you can read on the blog!


gr8fultohimswt said...

Oh wow..thanks for sharing a bit more about yourself..I enjoyed reading your Q&A's!

We are around the same age too ;-)

*C* said...

Five years is a long time to keep such a secret from your family. I hope that when (and if) you tell them, they keep an open mind. Hopefully, it works to your advantage that this marriage has worked for so long already.

Lady Nomadica said...

Hi 3rd,
Thanks for being vulnerable. I've realized that when I blog about my life, comments and questions can sometimes really impact us as it's so much easier to criticize others than to disclose about one's self. Congratulations on your courage to be who you are, and live that way.

Anonymous said...


I was just visiting. Although it may seem a bit like you are being ambiguous about your faith, it seems as though you revealed enough about yourself in this one post to know that you are probably Mormon, or more in line with Christian doctrine, than Islam.

Sainthood is not an Islamic term, although the Sufis do deem some people "saintly", they are usually aesthetics and some don't even marry at all, so it is a different term altogether.

In actually, the Quran does not refer to people as Saints, there are "friends of God", but this is not the same thing as in other doctrines.

Just to say that although it may seem that the polygyny you practice is the same whether one is in an Islamic polygynous situation or not, actually, it is different.

There are rules in Islam such as a man cannot marry a wife's sister, aunt, daughter, or mother at the same time.
My understanding is that it is not the same for Mormons.

People who like to read your blog will continue reading anyway, I think, no?

3rd... said...

@lady nomadica - i feel its liberating to be able to be vulnerable ... i guess that's tough when family and friends read your blog - you posted about that once. I wouldn't be able to tell my true feelings

3rd... said...

@anonymous - thanks for visiting and commenting.. i feel like you've proven my point though. Writing about religion results in talks about rules, norms, differences between the groups, dogmatism etc etc etc

This blog is centered around heart-matters, emotions, thoughts.. whoever feels a connection may read and share theirs. I hope to learn from all of them.

The Pastoral Princess said...

I love this post! I am so glad to learn more about you!!

As for the anonymous post about your religion, I have to say I think you made it pretty clear you didn't want to discuss your religion. I am not sure what he/she is trying to gain by calling you out on it. This blog has never been about your religious reasons for being in a poly family....trying to force you to come clean about your religion was a little uncalled for in my opinion.

I am Catholic, but there 101 things I don't agree with the church about. I feel my own personal relationship with God has nothing to do with a specific religion and everything to do with my relationship with God. You should have the right to not want to discuss your religion in your blog if you don't want to!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for replying.

I meant that although you try to be ambiguous about your religion, it is not ambiguous.

But I understand that this is not what your blog is about.

I am not here to harass you, don't worry.

I myself am a Muslim, but I don't practice polygyny.

Again, sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I think you did a pretty good job of keeping to the anonymous side of things...all the while revealing certain things about an anonymous way....nice....

3rd... said...

@anonymous - don't even think about it, you haven't made me uncomfortable.. it's cool you took the effort to respond again!

3rd... said...

thanx girl! :)

Mum-me said...

I've been wondering some of these things, so it was nice to stop by and have my 'wonderings' answered. Thanks for that.

I think that polygyny is generally disapproved of simply because, as with most everything that is uncommon or something that most people don't understand, many people are just scared of the unknown and it is easier to attack it than try to understand.

I have to say that the aspect of your relationship which makes my mind boggle is how can one man afford 4 wives and 4 homes - even if you wives do all work it seems incredible to me. He must be a very specal man - the emotional drain on him must be huge too? Sorry ..... I am just rambling now.

Safiyyah said...

Hello Third:

I admit that I was one of the ones who was initially curious. I was curious because I was wondering if other religions had "guidelines" for plural marriage like Islam has (even if the brothers don't abide by them - another story).

But I respect your privacy and didn't probe further. You are still our sister :)

It's comforting to know that there are others besides my sisters in Islam who are on this journey.

A future reference to this link should help you out greatly, lol!

Anonymous said...

I read. Thanks for the attention. Take care.