Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The rollercoaster...

I promised I would write more about my insights but caught up in work so didn't really get the time to write again. It's tough, this blog thing. Almost like a real relationship..I feel guilty leaving you guys without any news or updates. And maybe you don't even bother..

Well, there have been some intense talks in our family, brace yourself, it’s huge. 2nd is struggling with a major issues from her childhood – abuse issues - for which she is getting counseling. Sometimes she becomes very depressed, sometimes extremely aggressive, sometimes I lose track of what the problem is and focus on the stuff she is saying instead of the things that I know are the real issues. She has been denying the real impact of everything she's been through in her youth, and I think that due to the struggles of polygyny, she came to a point when she just felt she needed to get help. I have figured out that sharing Mr.Hubby is a lot harder for her than for us. It also explains the enormous amount of jealousy she used to have when I first entered. Just yesterday I understood that often she is fighting thoughts of Mr.Hubby being a lust obsessed pervert who sleeps around. And she said crying that she knows he is not, but that she gets surges of mistrust and pain and deceit from her childhood that come haunting her in her life as it is now.

She also explained that it’s been due to counseling that she was able to find a way to explain herself. In the past she might have got angry without being able to explain why. Now she said she understands that she interprets a lot of situations as threatening, and then she reacts in the way she wanted to react but couldn’t when she was a child and that trusted person destroyed her childhood over and over again.

I am wondering sometimes what the reason is we are all together in one family unit. Maybe helping her through this will be one of the reasons. Somehow because of all of this I feel closer to our family. I feel a need to help and support her. It makes me forget the differences we have and try and think of how we can be better sisters to each other.
I hope you guys forgive me for the absence here on the blog. Work and intense home issues just leave me exhausted at the end of the day.. so it's been hard to write.

12 comments:

Meggin said...

So glad that you're back! I'm sorry that #2 is having issues, but I'm glad it is bringing your family together as opposed to pushing you all apart!

Donald said...

I'll say a prayer for 2nd. I do hope this brings you all closer. I think you hit on one of life's most important lessons right here:

"sometimes I lose track of what the problem is and focus on the stuff she is saying instead of the things that I know are the real issues."

Aren't we all guilty of that! To make matters worse, it's so easy to misunderstand what someone else is saying, let alone where it's coming from. We tend to react to what's said based on how it makes us feel. How many times I wish I had not reacted to something my wife or a close friend did or said, but stopped and weighed my response based on what I know to be true… e.g. Hang on. My wife loves me. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt me. Where is this coming from? What are her needs right now?

new #3 said...

I often misunderstand what people say and I've noticed that hubby misunderstands me alot even though we have known each other for years and started our relationship as best friends. It really is the best reason to be slow to anger and stop and talk.
It sounds like your #2 had a tough childhood and it's wonderful that you are there for her.
Don't feel guilty about your lack of posts...it happens. :) take care.

Anonymous said...

I think a reason that #2 may have married a man who already had a wife was because of her self esteem issues and trauma issues to begin with. Women who have been abused in the past get involved in abusive relationships as adults. I am not making this up. You can research this for yourself. This relationship can be very damaging for some people and especially damaging for others. Perhaps you are inserting your own emotions as to how you think SHE should feel about making it all work, but is this really what will make her better? If it is not, and through counseling she comes to that conclusion, you need to support it as well. Don't get so stuck on advocating for a polygamous lifestyle you need to let her explore if this is actually emotionally good for HER. This is not about you. So, if she decides that this lifestyle is hurting her, you have to be open to that as well and don't push your thoughts on it on her.

Anonymous said...

PS, regarding the last comment, I am not saying your husband is abusing her, I am saying that she may be putting herself in a situation where she is not getting emotionally what she needs (or expects) (and it sounds like she may need a lot) and that in itself is what can creat an abusive situation-at least for her.

Moon said...

Glad you're back. I think this is the first time i'm commenting here. Thank you for putting your experiences online, you've helped me to understand n accept polygymy. It's part of being a muslim, but it was so hard for me to accept it, before i read your blog.

Hope everything continues well in your marriage, and the problems post themselves out.

Anonymous said...

Moon, #rd is not Muslim, other religions allow for polygyny too.

Anonymous said...

I meant to say 3rd

3rd... said...

@donald - spot on.. :) your comments are always so valuable

@meggin - it's good to be back! :)

@moon - i am so happy this blog has helped to make you more comfortable in faith! thank you for your comment

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I missed you

Anonymous said...

2nd seems to be the most rational person of the family. Please stop making her feel guilty about her feelings.

Her husband enjoys sex with other woman, if she is hurt it's natural not because she had abusive childhood. Only vulnerable women can do this mistake in search of emotional shelter/guidance. She doesn't need counseling she just needs to get out of this.

Donald said...

They're baa-aack!