Monday, December 29, 2008

So about that rant

To my previous post Donald and Anonymous posted some good questions.. I wanted to address them before moving on to a new topic. You see, that article bothered me for multiple reasons, the main one being that I find more and more that sess is being reduced to a mere physical act. And we teach this to our youngsters through media. And it really isn’t a physical act – it’s about intimacy and love. As the name sais actually..

What this article suggested is that if your love life has gotten a little dull you should try a new position, buy some toys, introduce new partners even.. While, when there is a lack of emotional intimacy between two people then their intimate life will not feel as warm, passionate and satisfying as it first did. The problem is really emotional and has nothing to do with where you put your leg, whether you are flexible enough, and whether you do the same thing every time you are together.

Now I hate the fact that we portray sess as so emotionless to our youngsters. It results in girls doing stuff which they actually do not feel completely comfortable with, but which they believe is the way it should be. I hate the fact that in the article all the girls were reluctant but then eventually consented. Young girls reading the article will end up doing the same.. it’s not much different from girls being seduced into getting paid for sess. It still happens to too many teenage girls. They get an older boyfriend, he convinces them to sleep with a friend of his, then he convinces them that getting paid for it is really not a big deal. Before they even realize they have been seduced to something they never wanted or wished. Why not teach young girls to listen to their instincts and be brave enough to say “this is what I like, this is what I feel comfortable with, take it or leave it”. There is no need to compromise your own self for the sake of another’s lusts.. where do you draw the line then? If there is anything I am happy to have learned in the course of my young life than it would be to trust my inner voice, and be brave enough to express it.

Now men are by nature more sessually driven. So I recognize that a lot of men want more sess and are often frustrated when they are married, they get kids, and their wife is too exhausted to look after them.
That’s why I feel so happy with Mr.Hubby. He never places any demands on me because he’s fine. If I am exhausted, I can feel exhausted and be exhausted and sleep without feeling guilty about leaving him in the cold. That is what I meant when I said that it’s all about me. I don’t need to do anything which I don’t feel like because he has no thirst for more or different.. so intimacy is really about intimacy and it’s absolutely suited to what I need or want.


Anonymous said...

I think it is kind of amusing to see someone living in a polygamist lifestyle decry taking additional partners for additional sexual enjoyment--or does Mr. Hubby have three wives so he can hold hands with multiple women?

Hidden Sage said...

Anonymous: "Uh oh! We got a moron..."
You've totally missed the point.

3rd: I agree, the key to a successful intimate sess life is a strong emotional bond, but learning the art of love making beautifies every sessual experience tenfold. Of course nothing these magazines offer comes anywhere near educating readers to the beauty of love making. It's mostly, if not always, all trash.

new#3 said...

1) never apologise for a rant Third..where can one rant if not in a blog.
2) another cynical Anonymous! Why they bother to read our blogs I don't know..

not only is the point missed but I truly believe most people would "get it" if they didn't have tunnel vision about polygamy.

I have no clue how old you are Third, but I do know that many women would (especially after a certain age or after years of marriage) be glad they didn't shoulder total responsibility for a husband's needs..or at least be grateful on the occasions when one is just darn tired from kids, work, housework, illness or whatever else comes their way. One day I will go in to the other side of things on this subject lol..because there is one :)
Happy HOlidays

Anonymous said...

"Sess" is generally defined as the physical act. "Making love" involves the physical act in combination with the emotional (intimacy)aspect. I see them as varying degrees on a common spectrum.

There's emotional chemistry and there's raw, physical chemistry. Both can be very satisfying on all levels of the physical and emotional senses. One isn't more legitimate than the other as you surmize.

I disagree that emotion has nothing to do with the various physical options of the deed, because comfort level,trust and wanting to please your partner for the sake of love/companionship are emotions.

Let's be honest - all young people (regardless of gender) are going to experience reluctancy, apprehension and doubt when embarking on that part of their lives. For every emotional-less presentation of the act there is also the romanticized one - which can be just as misleading and damaging as it's counterpart. From childhood little girls are brainwashed by the likes of "Cinderella", Sleeping Beauty" and "SnowWhite" that they are helpless creatures who's only purpose in life is to wait for their Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet with a chaste kiss and live happily every after in the Kingdom. With rolemodels like that is it any wonder why there are so many unhappy women who would love to have someone else "take care" of their husband's needs?

You tend to lay the blame of young girls going astray sexually at the feet of the media, but ultimately (IMO) it is the parent's/caretaker's responsibility to try and instill in their children all healthy aspects of physical intimacy. If that is done well enough, and if the child has been brought up to respect themselves then they should be more or less immune to any of today's sleazy take on the deed and make good decisions.

You say that your husband has "no thirst" for anything out of the "ordinary", but I must point out that though that may be the case with you, it is a possibility that the other two wives may provide him with intimate experiences that satisfy his need to "kick it up a notch or two". Let's be honest - If you don't feel like doing anything he's got other options. The dynamics of your relationship with your husband and the ramifications of what you do and don't do with/for him really aren't comparable to a monogamous relationship.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

And Anonymous408 can't count either....

Anonymous said...

Hidden Sage

Is it really necessary to call people names?

I would think that someone such as yourself who is striving for enlightenment and understanding would communicate more constructively and compassionately.

Name-calling is indicitive of a immature intellect IMO and totally uncalled for.

Safiyyah said...

Greetings Third:

@Anonymous: ha ha ha ... what would people like you do if they couldn't hide under the label of "anonymous" lol?

@Third: **Standing Ovation**

Safiyyah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Safiyyah said...

Sorry Third: I can't count either. I posted my comment twice, lol

Anonymous said...


It's amazing that some people think that a name or no name for that matter has any significance at all here in cyberspace.

You identify yourself by a name but I do not know or really care if it's your real one or not. It is irrelevant It doesn't make you more real, more legitimate or braver than someone who chooses to use a fake name or use Anonymous.

I use Anonymous because when I post under a name the post will not go through 9 out of 10 times.

To suggest that by posting under Anonymous it provides some sort of identity protection is absurd.

Your real name could be Fred for all we know and it really doesn't matter one way or the other. I think no more or no less about your post just because you claim to be using your "real" name.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

"I use Anonymous because when I post under a name the post will not go through 9 out of 10 times.

To suggest that by posting under Anonymous it provides some sort of identity protection is absurd."

That being said, it is apparent that you do use "Anonymous" as some sort of identity protection.....

Safiyyah----The whole counting thing is over rated anyway...I mean, I can't spell anyway and counting well that is just asking too much of me....

Anonymous said...

UmmAbdur says:

"That being said, it is apparent that you do use "Anonymous" as some sort of identity protection....."

(sighs) Not in the context that Safiyyah is insinuating: that I use a universal identifier for the sake of anonimity - as if I need to hide my real identity from all you faceless entities.

Safiyyah said...

@ Anonymous: My name is not Fred. If you go to my blog,, you will see my legal name, my professional affiliations, and a photo of me within the post (see post about the death of Brother Dale).

Therefore, I must use proper Islamic adab with everything I post. A "google" search of my name reveals much about me in cyberspace. Therefore, I need to stand by what I write. Both in this world and the next.

Using my real name in cyberspace helps me to keep my mouth in check. It is easy to bully and offend someone in cyberspace under the guise of "anonymous".

Yes, some have trouble posting and use "anonymous" to get a post through. But usually, they will put their name somewhere in the post.

Many sisters in cyberspace know me. I speak to quite a few of them on the telephone.

That's the difference between you and me!

Lisa said...

Hi Third,

I wanted to stop by and say that I love how you've been able to live a polygamous lifestyle free of the emotional abuse some cope with like ORAU.

Husband sounds very nice and your co-wives seem pretty easy to get along with. You are incredibly strong!

Your situation is certainly not a cakewalk, but you don't seem to have the huge libido Anonymous is so concerned about. Anonymous forgets that for a variety of reasons, not every woman has a huge drive.

I think that many of the people who are not okay with polygamy have huge drives and can't understand that for some, a situation where you can shoo husband away is actually a blessing.

Anonymous, I couldn't handle a polygamous situation myself, but you lost me when you started bringing up Safiyyah and her real name. She is one of the nicest sisters out there and you may not have been to her blog, or you'd see that Safiyyah is her real name.

Anonymous said...

To Lisa:

Seventh post down dated Jan 1, 2009 1:49 AM is the post where I'm accused of hidding my identity by using Anonymous by Safiyyah.

I'm not sure how you would have missed the accusation unless you chose not read all the comments thoroughly from beginning to end.

To Safiyyah:

Anybody can create a persona on the internet that is totally fictional by creating the very things that you use to validate your identity.

It doesn't matter how many cyber sisters/friends/ family vouch for you because every identity is a potential facade in the world of cyberspace.

Everyone and everything plastered across your computer monitor should be suspect if you are an individual who possesses intellectual acumen.

For you to state otherwise shows and incredible lack of discernment and logic.

*BTW "I have some ocean front property in Arizona" if your interested in purchasing it.

*Courtesy of G. Strait

Hanieh said...

Oh, gosh, can we stop arguing about the internet and usernames?

I wish, Anonymous, that you would realize that polygamy is not about sess! Polygamy is about a lifestyle. In the case of 3rd, she is doing it for religious reasons, for GOD... not for a man, not for sess. She is doing it because she believes that it is a preferred lifestyle in the eyes of God.

It doesn't make her sessually weak, it doesn't make her sessually vulnerable, it doesn't make her husband anything horrible.

I completely agree with 3rd... the messages we are teaching young girls about sessuality is embarrassing. What is even more horrifying is that girls make themselves emotionally vulnerable through sess with guys who have no commitment to them, and the girls just end up in tears after "experimenting" with new things. I don't see how you can disagree with this. The idea of all this is that it is devaluing girls to nothing more than objects of sessual pleasure.

This is NOT the case with 3rd and her lifestyle. If her husband was so sessually thirsty, he could just have one wife and multiple affairs on the side- he doesn't owe a commitment to anybody that way. But instead, he is maintaining these women, showing a commitment and responsibility to them- why in the world do you assume that it's JUST about sess and some harem? They are living this lifestyle out of choice and for GOD, not because some man made them emotionally vulnerable and then left them in the dirt.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is funny ok now you two just take this outside.....

Donald said...

Nice post 3rd. I hate the way sex is treated like a trivial amusement too, when it ought to be so much more.

I don't think 'Anonymous' is completely wrong when she(?) talks about the raw physical aspect of sex being satisfying. Plenty of people enjoy sex with partners they don't really love. Sex with a silicone sex doll is probably satisfying on some level too. But 'legitimate'? This is where I part ways with 'Anonymous'. I agree with 3rd that the most important elements are missing — genuine intimacy and love. These sustain a sexual relationship well beyond the excitement of newfound physical chemistry. Love can grow and mature over many years, and this love finds expression through sex, so sex need never grow old or boring as long as a couple truly loves one other. However, if physical chemistry is all there is, the initial excitement won't last. Such a couple is left wondering why sex isn't as good as it used to be, and they look for ways to spice it up. But like 3rd said, magazine articles such as this one propose physical solutions to what are really relational problems. They ignore the other aspects of relational intimacy: emotional, intellectual, even spiritual intimacy.

I don't think a healthy marriage ignores the physical desires of each partner, but there is a balance. I believe good sex (the kind that glues a couple together) is a profound expression of deep love — not an elusive search for the ultimate physical pleasure.