Thursday, March 26, 2009

Megan's blog

I've been reading Megan's blog..and I am just amazed by the way this household works and how the wives deal with each other. It really seems too good to be true. First off what I like about her family is that they're very religious. They're Christians, and have somewhat weird rules, like women wear dresses and have long hair..which is just a bit weird, not shocking or anything.. Men can have more than one wife but they have to have the means to take care of them – cheers for that.

So Megan just decided she wanted to live in a polygynous family, and she’s 18. Can’t really grasp why she came to this conclusion at this age, but her blog suggests her childhood has been rough, her dad is in jail and she feels her life now is wonderful compared to what she came from.

She came in contact with her current family through online forums or something similar, and they invited her over to stay with them and meet the family and after three weeks she married the hubby Steve. Steve is in his forties and has a first wife also in her forties, a second wife who’s 28 and now Megan. Something about being 18 and taking such a huge step, after a few weeks, made me feel wary of this whole story.. but Megan writes about Steve asking her is she was sure and asking her to think things through, first and second wife asking her if she really wanted this and that she did not need to do anything she wasn’t sure of, the pastor assuring her she needed not to rush into this, and that she could get married now but have her night with Steve in the future… Ok, so I believe all these people have good intentions..

There’s more amazing stuff to be read there, I won’t give you a summary of everything, but the way they deal with intimacy just leaves me speechless:
Megan gets married to Steve, nice ceremony, second wife even sows the dress for her.. Then Megan has her wedding night. They do make love, and Steve is a 100% gentleman according to Megan, then in the morning first wife brings them breakfast in bed. Now, I just can’t imagine this ever happening in my life, or me even wanting this to happen. Amazing first wife if you ask me. First wife and second wife even tell Megan that it is normal for Steve to spend some extra time with her now since she just entered the marriage, so she gets several nights in a row.. They ask her if she is all right, she only had a very brief and unfortunate experience before with a guy and is basically still a virgin. Second wife even gives tips.. (Mind-blowing)
Steve one night after dinner gives Megan the eye and they retreat to the bedroom.. and everyone knows why.. when they come back second wife jokes and asks if they had a nice chat…

I really think this is good family, with a good husband and great wives, I just don’t get how they do this. I think if Mr.Hubby gave 4th the eye at dinner I’d be insulted. And if he gave me the eye in front of others I’d be inhibited..
How come these wives don’t feel any awkwardness when it comes to intimacy?!


Anonymous said...

Yeah... sounds too close for comfort to me. But if you are able to put your natural jealousy aside, why not?

I personally feel that if I were to live in a polygynous marriage, intimacy would have to be something that isn't seen, discussed or entertained when the wives and husbands are all together. I'm not strong enough to handle that and intimacy to me is such a private and personal thing.

I admire you ladies tremendously for having the strength to stand firm in your marriages and accepting things as they are.

CM said...

Several posts ago I commented to you about two types of poly marriages. Megan's story is an excellent example of the 2nd type I described.

How they do it can all be summed up with these words - positive attitude and unselfish love. I think these words are keys to all successful families.

It starts with the man and his wife deciding the kind of family they want to create. Steve and Shari decided to create one big family, not several different families. With additional wives they (together) added to their family, they did not see it as taking anything away from either of them. Shari clearly does not view the other wives as competition, but as full and equal members of her family.

In this family, the wives relationship with each other and with the children is as important as the relationship of the husband and wives. They each have separate individual relationships but they exist as a part of one big family. Their positive attitude exhibits unselfish love and acceptance for each other.

This family views intimacy between the wives and husband as an important part of their big picture of a happy family. They all show an attitude of wanting intimacy to be successful for all the wives and the husband. And they teach their children that this is a normal, accepted, and healthy part of marriage.

Megan does not describe any feelings of jealousy on the part of the other wives. Does that mean they don't feel jealous? I think they do sometimes. But if they do, they seem to control their feelings and present an attitude of love and acceptance for each other.

Is her family too good to be true? Maybe! But don't all healthy and happy families, including mono ones, seem too good to be true on the surface? Everyone has issues and problems. The trick is to learn to let go of the negative things in our lives that keep us needlessly occupied so that we can move forward and concentrate on the important things, like learning to love others more than ourselves.

Yes, it is easier said than done for most people. But is that not what life is about? Maybe that is why God created families and relationships in the first place - as a school of learning. A school to teach us to love wholeheartedly and unselfishly, just as God loves us. We just have to keep leaning and keep applying to our lives what we learn.


Donald said...

CM, wiser words have seldom been spoken on the Internet. Is it too late to give you another vote in that popularity poll? I confess to voting twice: once for 3rd (in spirit!) and once for you. Seriously, great comment.

Donald said...

PS. Just read 'Grains of Sand' on your own blog. I love that!! Sometimes I'm the grain of sand that gets noticed — like the one that gets stuck to your sunscreen and causes constant irritation.

Anonymous said...

Third, you guys seem to be coming from an old testament eye-for-an-eye or scarcity mentality.

"What is good for her is bad for me."

"I need to fight to get enough of what I need."


These people are living heaven's laws. There is plenty of love, money, etc. for all...

Read "The Different Drum" by M. Scott guys are in the chaos stage of community sometimes--a very important and useful stage--but not where you want to spend forever.

If you force yourselves to sit in a room long enough and talk (or be silent!) until understanding occurs, your relationship dynamic will change completely, instead of exploding. Takes tons of work.

Anonymous said...

hi all..

i have also been reading megans blog for a while, and i do feel the peace this girl feels and the trust and security of this family unit is wonderful. I do also live in a poly situation, with three other co-wives we very in age and educational backgrounds, but all meet in our deen.. i think because they follow the laws of god, they find life to be peace as they are so in tune with the true nature of humans. Now in saying we are all human and therefore not immune to feelings of jealousy and other wobbly feelings is perfectly normal, i think its just how we choose to channel them that really counts. I take the thought of for every niggly feeling you have about another co-wife do something nice for her.. or create sisterhood with each other, its far better than fighting lol.. and can be good therapy...

new#3 said...

Thank you for steering me to Megan's Blog. It sounds like hers is the type of marriage my hubby set as his goal, it's hard but some make it work!

MeganC said...

Thanks for all the nice things you said! (-:


3rd... said...

@minty - "I take the thought of for every niggly feeling you have about another co-wife do something nice for her" - good advice, I will try my best, 4th will not know what has come over me. LOL

@anonymouses - thank you both for your comment. And thanks for recommending the book.. will try to make time for it.

@donald - what is your opinion? I value your thoughts, please're my special grain of sand here, definitely not one that causes irritation!

@CM - thanks, i've commented on your blog and added it to my blogroll!

Hidden Sage said...

I've been thinking about Megan's blog for a few days now after having read your entry. Apart from some religions constraints on a few matters, I think Megan's describing an almost picture perfect marriage. The wives come across as wise and caring. Selfless and not selfish. They appear to share with others what they love for themselves, which is far from easy.
I don't think their success is a matter of jealousy or the lack thereof, I think it's genuine love for other than oneself. Jealousy is important, a relationship that lacks certain levels of jealousy feels stale to me. In fact, certain amounts of jealousy is often cute.
I'm guessing the wives all have a healthy amount of self-esteem. Low self-esteem in a polygamous marriage could really throw relationships off balance, and perhaps a significant part of their confidence is a result of a mature and understanding husband.

I'd like to know more about the husband. For a marriage like this to work, the wives must really be something special, but the husband has to be virtually impeccable. I'm guessing he's an impressive man.

Now I'm back to seriously considering polygamy again. Thanks! :-D

Anonymous said...

Salam 3rd, lol i love your comment "4th will not know what has come over me. LOL" i had some issues with one of my co-wives.. and got really fed up with arguing over such mundane stuff.. so i decided to kill her with kindness.. and it did help somewhat to cool the atmosphere down lol.. it does take a long time lol.. before she stopped trying to figure out if i was up to something, i just wanted a more peaceful head..:D

i am working on the questions also you and brandy left..insha'Allah

3rd... said...

@minty - LOL!!! u decided to kill her with kindness! awesome, I so have to implement this

Anonymous said...

I have mixed feelings about Megan's situation. On the one hand, I'm happy for her that she has found her way into a loving family. But it seems to me that she's in a lopsided type of relationship, with her husband being older, wealthier, having much more world experience, etc. And for me, marriage is a partnership between adults, with each person bringing adult strengths and assets into the relationship. Megan just seems to be too much of a child compared to Steve--and this was especially obvious to me when Steve asked her if she was going to be his adopted daughter!

I wish this family well, especially if Megan becomes pregnant.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with the last commenter. Megan is more like a permanent babysitter, than an equal partner in the relationship.

And a word of caution... Anyone encouragin Megan with her fantasies of trying to concieve a baby (she is a baby herself) is an apsolute fool and I think you seriously need to pull your head out your a**. She has already talked about her desires to be a mother and how it is her dream. The rate of premature births for teenage mothers is appauling because they are still growing amongst other things. Babies are blessings, but 18 year olds should not be having children. 18 year olds should not be having sex with men old enough to be their fathers. She can't even legally drink alcohol. She is living in a dream world, and needs a reality check, and she will probably become bored of the whole situation soon, when she realises she could be out partying with her mates.

I don't know the girl, but the whole situation seems a little to fanciful to me. But I pray pray pray to God she does not become pregnant.

3rd... said...

Well, I can't agree with the last comment, my cousin had her first kid when she turned 18 and her second whe she turned 20. My sister in law had her first kid when she was 19. And I could give you a longer list - think that any doctor will agree, at 18 your body is ready for kids..

I really think that for Megan it can be very useful and comforting to be married to an older man. It is and has been for me..

It's actually more Steve and his two wives who will have to excercise patience with Megan because of her young and thus different perspective of the world and their marriage.

Hidden Sage said...

The last Anonymous person:
You have a lot of shoulds and should nots. What are they based on?

I personally don't think 18 years olds need to be partying their nights away. What Megan's doing is far more mature and responsible.

Anonymous said...

Hidden Sage, I posted the first anonymous comment. I have a 20-year-old daughter (she's on the dean's list at college and holds a part-time job--definitely not partying her nights away!). I know I would be VERY concerned if she chose to marry someone who saw her (according to Megan's own words) as a potential adopted daughter.

I've been married 30 years to a wonderful man. He and I have a true partnership--different parenting styles, preferences, etc. but similar in respect for each other's strengths & accomplishments. I want that same type of partnership, for life, for my own daughter--not something unbalanced and unequal.

Hanieh said...

First of all, as someone who is in public health, I can tell you that being 18 and having a baby, is perfectly fine. In fact, we are most fertile between the ages of 18-26 (which, in our "modern" society, is young, but biologically, is perfect). The problem with teen pregnancy is that the mothers who do become pregnant at young ages are often not equipped to handle everything, physically and emotionally, and they are often in relationships where the father of the child is NOT involved in the picture. The girls are also not taking good care of their bodies and are engaged in other risky behaviors such as smoking or drinking (or partying).

But I do agree that women need to be emotionally and mentally ready to have a baby. I don't know Megan, so I can't really judge whether she's ready or not. But I am a little confused as to why people think that marriage has to be a partnership where both the spouses are "equal" in age, thought, education, etc.? Everyone's idea of marriage is different, and some women actually prefer being in relationships where they feel secure with an older man. I don't understand why this is so wrong.

Anonymous, just because your daughter prefers not to be married and having children at this time, it doesn't mean that it rings true across all lifestyles and beliefs. I got married when I was 20 (and I am not almost 26), and my husband is 8 years older than me. I was a bit child-like at the beginning, but it was more my innocence than a maturity thing. I am now pregnant with our first child (praise be to God), and I could not be happier. Perhaps Megan's husband made the comment about the adopted child thing more in terms of the age difference- not that he'd be having sexual relations with his child?

I don't know- I wouldn't take just one comment and blow it out of proportion. We just need to be careful about how we judge other's lifestyles. I am not saying that Megan is living in an ideal lifestyle for her- I don't know her. But I don't think anyone else here knows enough about her to say the opposite, either.

Donald said...

Thanks 3rd… I do feel pretty special now. :)

I've just had a quick read through Megan's blog. She sounds like a sweet girl, and the family seems to operate (as you described) with a wonderful sense of love and unity.

I wouldn't say I was completely without concern though… Again, CM echoed some of my feelings with her comments on Megan's blog. As I read CM's comment to the 26 February post, I had to agree — despite the earlier reassurance of 'no strings attached', there certainly did seem to be pressure from family and church to make a quick decision and move ahead with the wedding.

Having said that, I think Megan shows more maturity than many are giving her credit for. While many people her age (and even older) are still pretty clueless about what life and career path to pursue, Megan knows what she wants and she's gone out and grabbed it. There is nothing conventional or normal about Megan's story or her chosen lifestyle, but hey… maybe 'normal' is overrated!

Just look how beautifully she answers her critics in the following post:

"Believe it or not I've been told that I am doing the wrong thing here because:
I won't be able to have meaningless sex with lots of strange men.
I won't be using birth control or be able to have an abortion.
I won't be able to smoke pot or get drunk.
I won't be able to live in the exact kind of crazy city I just got out of.
I won't be working at some awful job I hate for the next 50 years and then retire to the kind of life I have right now.
I should wait until I'm 30 to have children. (Why 30? What is so wonderful about being 30?)"

This 18 year old, it would seem, has more sense than many of her older critics. Seriously, when did marrying and starting a family young become such a terrible thing? (Personally I'd be more upset about giving up beer and oral sex, but who am I to judge!)

Yes, of course this is all new and exciting… Yes, when some of the shine wears off, Megan is going to discover, as we all do, that every marriage has its ups and downs. But if she and the rest of the family are committed to loving each other through everything and making it work (and it sounds like they are) then I think we have every reason to be happy for her — even a little envious perhaps.

3rd... said...

@donald & hanieh - great comments!

I have such great readers.. YEEEHHH

Faith Confusion said...

That is amazing to me, but in a good way. I wish her all the best if she has chosen this path. Perhaps the other wives are so helpful and nice because each one is in complete acceptance of her own role there, and would want to be treated the same way. Fantastic.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine living in a home with a man and his wife(wives) if I wasn't intimate friends with those women. The whole point of being a second/third/sharing wife is for the support and love and family that comes with it. Why would I share a man if I wasn't supported by the other women in his life (including his mother, sisters, whoever).

Think about it -- how would you ever find another girlfriend with whom you had so much in common? I enjoy sharing sex tips with my friends, and I enjoy sharing it with my husband's wife. Makes things better for all of us all around. If you're jealous about that woman, perhaps you should learn how to navigate your jealousy (and the triggers causing it), or perhaps polygamy is not for you?

MeganC said...

I had time to look around at other blogs and was O-: to see this bunch of comments. Some people think everything is perfect with me and that isn't true. I am learning about some of the things that are very real about my new life and there are some things that are embarassing that I won't post but they are still important. Steve and Christie did not start out perfect I found out. That was a big surprise to me. I had questions about how being a mom is important to me being in the family but I am good with it now. I found out some other stuff that is weird to get used to but not a deal breaker for me.
The one poster said an older man is a good thing for some women and I am one of them. I don't like the guys my age or close to it because none of them are actual men. Steve is a man who loves his family and takes care of us and we love him back with all our hearts for it. He is 44 and I am 18 and I know that bothers some people but why? Why wouldn't it bother more if I was just living with some 20 year old guy in his bedroom at his parents house? I REALLY had someone emailing me several weeks ago telling me this would be better for me. I feel safer with an older man in a lot of ways and I also like that he makes me feel special. Guys my age dont do that. They just want to have meaningless sex and expect you to pay for yourself on a date.
Christie is our 2nd wife and she married Steve at 26. But she tells me if she could get a do-over on her life she would have married Steve at 16 and skipped all the heartbreaking dates and one night stands and all. She told me she is happy for me that I am not making the mistakes that scarred her when she was my age.
I'm sorry I don't write about everything that goes on with us just because I don't always have time. It is not like we live in some fantasy. We have problems and things are not perfect with all of us but it is SOOOOO much better than what I had before that I don't even notice the things that everyone else thinks are big deals sometimes. There are no fights and no yelling and no drugs and no drinking and we all kiss goodnight all the time. We have problems but for me they are not a big deal. I'm used to probation officers kicking in the door at 3am and handcuffing me and my mom when they search the house. NOTHING that happens here is a big deal compared to that.
I got so blessed being here! I don't know why anyone would want me to go back to what I left.

3rd... said...

Hi Megan.. nice of you to drop back in. You know I guess people are just afraid of what they don't know. It seems odd to be sharing a husband, they think that most probably you are selling yourself short, and anything which resembles normal daily life must be far better.. Most people will understand that your previous life was really terrible and that you are happy with your current life, they will probably wonder if in ten years or maybe fifteen years that will still hold. At thirty yrs your life could look way different, you could be educated, well-paid, with maybe a well-paid and nice husband.. but if you ask me, that really doesn't matter, because you are happy. Who is to say that any other situation would have been better? As long as you are happy in your life leave other people to think whatever they want to think.

Btw if you want to share things privately, you can email me anytime...
in any way I think its best to keep as much as possible an open and honest communication with your family and tell them exactly what you find weird or difficult and why you feel it that way. That will make them understand you better and get to know you better, and it will do the same for you, you will understand them more...