Friday, March 6, 2009

Polygyny Battles

I'm quite tired..had a few hours of sleep. It's been hectic in the past days. Any of you watch Big Love? The new season is airing now, and … the coincidence is very weird … Nicki (2nd wife in Big Love) said she wanted to be taken off the schedule in the last episode.. now the same happened to us last week. 2nd said she wanted to be taken off the schedule…

I wrote earlier that she has been dealing with her past, getting counseling, trying to resolve her issues. The past months have really been a rollercoaster for her. She said she just wants some time to sort things through without being in the midst of all the family issues. She wanted some time alone..

I wonder what will happen in the next episode of Big Love when Nicki’s wish lands in the family. Within our family it’s been stormy weather.

Mr.Hubby was very understanding. He knows where she’s coming from and said he would be there for her, regardless of whether she was on the schedule or not. He gave her all the space she needed. So we followed his example.

Now this sounds quite good, right?.. well… so 2nd gets taken off the schedule, everyone is very understanding, we leave it at that, till the next day, then the 1:1 talks with Mr.Hubby start.. there are two days per week left unassigned now .. who will get what?

1st sais: I had seven days and I gave that up when 2nd joined. If she won’t have them I should have them. I signed up for seven days and sacrificed my time with you for this family. 3rd and 4th signed up for what they have now, they should be content with that..

4th starts being her “Baby Boss” self. She never had much time alone with Mr.Hubby, she thinks it’s unfair, she always has to accept everything from the rest..

And I… I just don’t even want to be part of this nonsense, and tell Mr.Hubby that he should try to find a fair solution and let me know what it is, I’ll accept whatever he comes up with.

You see.. the issue starts out with two days that need to be fit into the schedule. But it ends up with being about what everyone has sacrificed, how unfair they are treated by others, what they deserve..
What a mess. I’m happy 2nd wasn’t involved in all the aftermath. She is trying to work on her own problems and I believe her decision might have been a wise one. She text messaged me if I wanted to go out to dinner’s been a while since she felt like going out.


Meggin said...

Wow. I hope 2nd is able to find herself and get herself back to happy. This is going to sound awful but, it really doesn't seem like first is meant to be in a polygamist relationship. Sounds like it was either accept it or not have Mr. Hubby. She is terribly selfish. You made the smart decision to stand back and let Mr. Hubby decide. I immediately thought that the 2days per week should be split between you and 4th. You get the least time with him to begin with. I hope your family comes out stronger after this.

Anonymous said...

How can you say 1st is selfish? She gave up the most. She made sacrifices. The other 2 came in knowing they would only get 1 or 2 nights per week. That is there choice.

But you made a very mature decision, not getting involved. Also it shouldn't come down to which one Mr Hubby wants to have sex with, it should be a decision between you 3 women. It basically him saying 1st, 3rd or 4th are the most attractive/sexually attractive/desirable.

He is not God. He is only a man.

Meggin said...

I say 1st is selfish because she also agreed to add wives into the family, yet she doesn't actually want to give up any of her time, and the first time anything extra comes up - she just takes it all. Thats not how unselfish people behave. The fairest thing to do would be to split the 2 days/week up between the thre of you on a rotating schedule. That would be a pain in trying to remember - but it would be the most fair. And this isn't the first time that 1st has done things to indicate she'd really rather be the only wife.

I do agree with anonymous that you 3 women should decide what is done on those extra days - a change from what I said above about letting hubby choose. What I really meant in my first post is that you were the adult and didn't get whiny about it.

There just seems to be sginificatn discord with 1st - she really doesn't behave like a 1st should(IMO). She is all about herself, not about thefamily as a whole. And I know we only get 1 side of the story - but thats what I've taken from this side.

Oh - and Anonymous, 3rd and 4th don't get 1 or 2 nights a week, they get 2 nights every 2 weeks. So yeah - 1st is being incredibly selfish.

Anonymous said...

I have two thouhgts about your post. For the sake of keeping things simple I will comment about each in a separate comment.

My first thought is about the dynamics of your poly family. After doing a lot of reading, I have found that there are basically two main poly family arrangements (with various adaptations of course).

One is where the man marries more than one wife, but basically has monogamous marriages with each of those wives. The main relationships are between husband and 1st wife and husband and 2nd wife and so forth. In other words the man has several families. The families operate separately and distinctly. In this type of poly marriages, the wives tend to be self centered. They often look at things in terms of “how does this affect me and my children” or “what am I giving up”. Often they are not as concerned about the success of the other families except how it may affect the husband’s feelings and their own family.

The 2nd type of poly family set- up is where the man is married to more than one wife, but they all consider themselves one big family. In this arrangement the wives have a relationship with each other, and with each other’s kids, kind of like co-wives and co-parents, and those relationships are just as important as the husband/wife relationship. This type of family works very close together to make sure all the family members’ needs are met. The wives tend to be less selfish in that they want the relationship between the husband and the other wives to succeed as much as their own relationship with him. They also want their own relationship between each wife to succeed.

I have concluded that the 2nd type is far more successful in terms of everyone’s happiness. In the first type the wives compete against each other. In the second type the wives work together with each other.

My observation is that you are in the first type of poly families. That is why #1 and #4 react to everything as they do, in terms of how everything affects them and what do they have to give up. Basically your husband has 4 distinct and separate marriages and in many ways #1 and #4 appear to feel they are competing for his time.


Anonymous said...

The second thought I had is about taking the 2nd wife off the schedule.

First, I have some questions. Have you all considered not adjusting the schedule and just leaving it open to her for however she wants to use it? Has she said she does not want any relationship with your husband at all during this time? What if she changes her mind next week? If she is trying to figure things out, her needs and wants may shift often.

Maybe changing the schedule is not the best thing to do right now. Perhaps leaving the schedule as is will let her know that everyone thinks her marriage to him is important and that specific time is still hers no matter whether she wants to use it or not. He could spend time with his kids (I think you said they had kids together) and give her some alone time. He could sleep in another room or if she needs him to be away completely from her, he could make other sleeping arrangements that do not include one of the other wives.

A woman who has been sexually abused may need to know that a man loves her and supports her in all ways, especially non-sexual ways. By leaving the schedule the same, that empty time slot allows your husband to be there for her and the kids if and when she wants him and in any way she may need.

It may also show her the whole family loves and cares for her and she is an important part of the family, not just part of a schedule that can be filled in with someone else.


Safiyyah said...

Ha ha ... maybe hubby should take those two days for himself :)

ummufatmah said...

Hi 3rd,
I haven't commented before, even though I read your blog regularly. I just wanted to say that as a first wife myself, I understand how 1st may feel, however, I do agree that she is being selfish. It seems as though she's going through each day feeling resentment for the sacrifices she's had to make in her life and as though her heart hasn't fully accepted polygyny even after all these years. Maybe she needs to take some time herself to reflect on whether she's making this sacrifice for Mr. Hubby or for God. If she's doing this for Mr. Hubby, then it's deffinitely not worth it, no matter how great he is, but if she's doing it for God, then she needs to get over herself and her feelings and act in the best interest of the family. The family includes, 2nd, 3rd and 4th and all the children, and she's not the only one making sacrifices.
As far as splitting 2nd's days, I agree with CM's second comment - they really should be left open for 2nd and for hubby to have some time with the children or some time to himself.

Well, that was just my 2 cents - i'll go back to blurking now.

I do hope your family comes out stronger after this.

3rd... said...

@ummufatmah - thank you for commenting on the post, you know I try to be very understanding of 1st, since I haven't been in her situation, I can't really judge.. I just try and believe that I would probalby s*uck at being 1st wife.. it's interesting to read your perspective, as a first wife, thank you.

@all - thank you for the comments, I have to state that the days are available to 2nd whenever she wants them. Mr.Hubby was very clear on that. He sees the kids often, and they do meet, though sometimes he will bring the kids over to another home and play there.

new#3 said...

3rd, I"m sorry I have been away alot and not commented. I see from your blog that a solution was found so I"m going to go read that. But let me just say that my heart goes out to you, this must be tough going.

Anonymous said...

I thought that because i was sacrificing so much (or so i thought),i had the right to be angry and demanding,but all this time i've been selfish.Wow!....there are so many women who are satisfied with much less than i and here i'm thinking,poor me,what a chicken i am.So none of the first wives, who are happy about everything ever thinks that the wives who came after her are selfish for expecting her to be happy about giving up time she was used to spending with hubby?Or are there?

Anonymous said...

i think first wife is right! she should get the days she gave up...4th wife knew exactly what she was getting in for.