Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Poised Heart

Various thoughts have been running through my mind in the past few days, I’m trying to get them on paper..

Hidden Sage emailed me today that the most important trait of our ego is most often the one that we are most pleased with or the one we take pride in. I have been thinking about this, and I am realizing that it really might be true.

I appreciate the peace and safety of my inner world…I am happy to be a pleasant yet poised person and that I always do my best to keep my word - which might be described as reliable or trustworthy. And now I am thinking that there might indeed be some drawbacks to these characteristics.

I think my main fear is giving my heart to people. Yes, I think that is the hardest thing for me. So being poised might actually be the result of the emotional detachment.. All the caretakers I have had in my childhood were taken from me, or I was taken from them. You know I never hugged anyone – I mean really I felt disgusted on some level to hug people … then my first boyfriend hugged me, it was such an amazing feeling. I totally gave my heart to him and he wasn’t worth it, which was a harsh experience and that’s an understatement. I never felt such desperation again.

I’ve talked to Mr.Hubby about this in the beginning of our relationship. I told him that I didn’t feel such an emotional dependency with him as I did during my first relationship. I wondered whether that was something to worry about.. but he never felt like it was. I get it now, my love for Mr.Hubby is not just insane craving for love and attention, like it was with my first love, but I wonder if I am not still shutting him out in some way, I wonder if he doesn’t deserve more than my poised and dreamy self..

I guess I deserve more than my poised self

And fear… fear is nothing else than lack of faith. Don’t you think? Who would fear to give their heart when they know that their Lord is the guardian of it? I try to keep my heart for My Lord, but what if what I am actually doing is guarding my heart safely – thus not giving it in the Hands of the Lord?




Donald said...

I had no idea what you and Sage meant by 'the most important trait of our ego', but the rest of the post made a lot of sense. Ironically perhaps, I felt you opened up your heart to us in this post more than usual. That's a really honest thing to share.

I've had one or two people tell me the opposite — that I'm too needy and emotionally dependent. I've really questioned this at times, and even read books about people dependency and so on. But I was discussing this with a very good friend once and what she said (and the simplicity of it) made more sense than anything I'd ever heard or read on the topic…

She disagreed with me saying I was too needy. She said we are all needy. God created us that way. We shouldn't close up and deny those needs, but we should be careful where we seek to have those needs met.

She observed that I reach out to unreliable people to meet my needs in certain situations where really I should be reaching out to God. She said we do that out of lack of faith, because we want the reassurance of someone we can see, hear or touch — someone we know is there. We profess to trust God, but on some level we doubt, or we don't have the patience to wait for his response, so we turn to other people, or even various forms of escape from whatever pain we're dealing with. When we do that, we miss out on the opportunity to connect with God at a deeper level.

That's not to say we don't need human love and companionship, but other people can never meet all our needs because they are just as needy. We have to be cautious in friendship because people can be so unreliable. I think what you described with your first boyfriend is very common 3rd. Your heart comes alive when you start to open up and connect with someone, because that is how God made you! But by opening up your heart you leave yourself vulnerable to rejection and pain. When that happens, and you feel the depth of that pain, you'll think twice before opening up like that again. You describe your heart as 'poised'. Many people have had their hearts so badly broken they've created a 'keep out' zone around them. Perhaps you have done this to a lesser degree.

I'd encourage you not to label your craving for love and attention as 'insane'. We all need love and attention. I think you're on track with that last paragraph… Can you fully trust God with your heart? And your husband? I believe that marriage is actually symbolic in many ways of the relationship God wants with us.

Safiyyah said...

"Who would fear to give their heart when they know that their Lord is the guardian of it?"

That's beautiful, Third!

Safiyyah said...

@ Donald:

Correct! We do reach out, at times, to unreliable people. God grant us the serenity to recognize toxic people/Ameen.

Hidden Sage said...

I always liked this quote:
"Trust in God, not in your trust in God."

I was never able to hug anyone, not even my sisters, before I got married. I'd just feel way too vulnerable. It's only after marriage that I found it easier to hug people. It's always interesting to find other people with 'hug issues'. I've hugged trees before though, those weren't tough.

@Donald. I think we all share some level of neediness within us, but I believe that the higher we reach spiritually, the less needy we become inwardly. The culmination of spirituality results in a bare minimal need for others.

Tangent- As for relationships: being too needy in relationships is unhealthy, most women eventually get tired of an overly needy man. Needy and emotionally dependent men, as nice and thoughtful as they may be, do not do a good job at keeping their woman [women] attracted past a certain point.

Donald said...

I don't know Hidden Sage… Is the pinnacle of such a spiritual pursuit to be completely content with your own company as you spend the remainder of your days cross-legged on a lonely mountain top? I believe we were designed for connection with God and with other people. Life is utterly meaningless without it. And lets face it, sess is heaps more fun than mastication. :P

Jesus is my spiritual hero and he was a pretty social guy. Yeah he often withdrew to lonely places too, but the gospel writers say he did it to pray — to be with God in other words, not to be alone.

Hidden Sage said...

The heights of spirituality result in the lack of *need* of everything besides the Divine. It does not mean that one becomes anti-social. Need and Want are different. A spiritual person would still want companionship, but he/she no longer needs it. His interaction is not a needy one.

As for being content with being alone, I think that's a step spiritualists pass through once they get over the need for others, but it is certainly not the goal of their spiritual travels.

Exactly my point, Jesus was the pinnacle of spirituality, but he wasn't anti-social. He was a "people's person" without being needy of them.

Donald said...

Ah… 'besides the Divine'. If your concept of 'the Divine' is a personal God who can meet your *need* for love, then I'd agree with you. The point is, the need is still there. We all, no matter how spiritual, need love.

It's not a sign of weakness to acknowledge a genuine need. I need water to survive. There's no sense in denying that. The real question is, where am I going to get it? From the toilet or from the tap?

Ultimately, the creator is the only one who can completely satisfy our deepest need for love. Nevertheless, there is great satisfaction in fulfilling a need in another person and receiving in return. Even if a husband and wife know God's love and could, should it come to it, survive without each other, they can allow their needs to be met by each other. That doesn't betray a lack of spirituality — it's a beautiful thing, and something we should all strive for in marriage.

Do you agree?

3rd... said...

I agree Donald..

"Even if a husband and wife know God's love and could, should it come to it, survive without each other, they can allow their needs to be met by each other."

We are indeed made as people and we connect to other people. That's why God sent prophets as guidance..Mr.Hubby always says that and I agree. We connect from heart to heart

CM said...

Human beings do have an innate need for love and touch. That is why there are stories of infants in orphanages who fail to thrive because these basic needs are not met.

I can relate to this post on many levels. I often live my life with a guarded heart for fear of rejection and of being hurt. And I am way to independent for my own good. Unfortunately these flaws also carries over in my relationship to God for the same reasons. In my head I know He will never hurt me, but in my heart I guess I am still unbelieving.

The interesting phenomenon for me is that on the rare occasions that I have been able to let my guard down and fully open my heart to God has been because of a desperate need to be loved and a feeling that there was no-one else who loved me. During these dark times God was with me and did not let me down. The love that flowed from Him took the guards away and opened my heart back up, allowing me to see and feel the love from those around me. They were there all the time - I had just closed my heart to them.

I also found that when my heart is open and I allow myself to feel God’s love for me and feel the love from those around me, I am more able to fully give my love in return. My heart actually enlarges. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

The Cairo Wife said...

I've been away awhile, dealing with some trauma of my own, but wanted to say I found all the posts I caught up on really inspiring. Thank you!

Donald said...

Wise words as always CM!

3rd, find me a gadget that lets me give CM's comment 5 stars… Or else I'll be forced to resort to ASCII art…

See, asterisks are not nearly as much fun!