Thursday, August 21, 2008

The longing

I have been feeling low in the past days. Now it’s better mainly because I have managed to re-schedule my appointments and work from home today. It gives me peace of mind; I feel less submerged in some insane rat race and more of a normal person.

Mr.Hubby has been very busy the past weeks, he’s still having arguments with 1st, I have been busy with work, he forgot about me a bit which I didn’t mind till I noticed he did call 4th, that hurt me, and I got offended, decided that I wouldn’t contact him and let him call me instead, he noticed my distance, and didn’t like it, and now he doesn’t call me either. Nonsense, all stupid childish nonsense. But still I won’t pick up the phone and call him. It’s mental power play.. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t complicate my own life this way. Some people have real problems out there, and I am creating my own here. Maybe at the end of this “working day”, after I have thought it all through, it will all be better and I will find a way to overcome myself.

I read once that people stand in front of paradise and then turn away. I know God is watching me and He waits for me to go against my childishness and my arrogance and pride, and be humble in front of His Gaze.
That actually changes everything.. If I were in front of paradise now, how important could it all be actually? I would run through fire to get closer to Him then, so what’s a phone call?

I wish I had a direct line to God and He could answer my questions directly. Sometimes I feel like life is a huge puzzle, and the pieces just won’t fall into place. I wish I was a better believer. Someone who would give all of themselves to God, and accept His Will always, regardless of what it was. I wish I was someone who only wished good to others, wouldn’t feel jealous or offended, wasn’t stubborn, and arrogant, didn’t have stupid pride, and was always reminding of God and never objecting anything God ordained to happen. I wish God would take all my bad characteristics away and make me clean, spotless, and for me to be submerged in love of Him and His love of me, endlessly, forever.

Why does it have to take so long to progress?


Anonymous said...

You have great character just by virtue of you reflecting on your weaknesses as a human being. Remember, if you want to speak to Allah pray, and if you want him to speak to you read the Quran. Nobody is perfect, we all screw up our lives, in our own unique ways. I also leave you with what Allah told us directly, if we were perfect he would take us away and create other people who made mistakes and repented. So the best we can do is repent for our mistakes. As a muslim sister, i just thought i would remind you of Allah's mercy.

PM said...

Dear 3rd,

It must be hard to not only share your husband with other wives, but to be satisfied with how limited that means your "couple" time is. I understand the longing and loneliness -- but thankfully I'm not married in polygyny anymore. I'd take this loneliness over that which comes in polygny anyday.

If it means anything I think you are very thoughtful and introspective -- both excellent qualities.


UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Are we twins??? i do the same thing. When hubby first went off to America he didnt call me but he had talked to CW and he knew she could call him but I could not cuz I didnt have a phone at the time. And I was pissed cuz he didn't bother to call me knowing I couldn't call him so I told CW I was not calling him until he called me. Eventually she tricked me and called him while I was at her house and forced me to talk to him. SO yeah I do the same thing...I was laughing when I read your post cuz it was too similar...My crazy had made it to you....

Disciple said...

Consider Philippians 2:13 - "For it is God which works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure."

And Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God has before ordained that we should walk in them."

Your desire, dear sister, to be more perfect comes from God and will be fulfilled by God. He is at work in you making you more like Christ every day.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

If I may make a suggestion: Call your husband; don't wait for him to call. Do share with him your hurt at not having been called. I imagine, however, that he is also hurt.

This sounds similar to something that happened between me and my "#2" today. I had gotten the feeling that she was being burdened by my frequent calls and that feeling hurt me not a little. So I decided that I wouldn't call anymore unless she wanted me to. I communicated this to her through a text message.

She responded that she wanted to talk to me frequently. Nonetheless, the time for my usual early morning call passed without my being able to make the call. Then just as I was getting ready to call, she called me.

Through the talk that we had I think our bond has been strengthened.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

See today is an example---Huuby got something important with my help(see blog) and I called him yesterday he didn't answer. I called him today he didn't answer. But on both days he answered CW's calls and talked to her. I don't get to call him again tonite cuz she is on the phone with him. I sent him a text message telling him it made me sad that I didn't get to call him and he didn't answer....soooo guess who I am not calling...yup it would actually be both of them....I am not going to call either of them....They don't seem to care about how I feel so they can talk amongst themselves and leave me out of it and I am sooooo going shopping for unnecessay crap tommorrow.

The Pastoral Princess said...

((((((Hugs)))))) This standofff sounds familiar in my own marriage. We humans are fickle creatures when it comes to love LOL! Keep your chin up...and make the call. Be the better person. You can do it!

Dale Kemp said...

Why does it have to take so long to progress?

You answered your own question.

We stand and stare and paradise then turn away.

Call your husband. You will be a better person for it. He will love you more for it. You will love yourself more for it.

So why do we stand and stare then turn away? Lack of faith. We refuse to believe what we see is real and then turn our backs on it.

Faith means taking the first steps down the path when you are not yet sure where the path ends.

Call him.

new#3 said...

Call him. If there is one major thing I have learned about poly men lately is that unlike monogamous men, they have so so many people to keep happy that the squeaky wheel will get greased.

That said, you miss him, and I'm sure he misses you. Call him.

cathy said...

Dear 3rd,

I've been happily married to my husband for 34+ years and know that I could never share him with anyone else. I'm so impressed by the mature and unselfish way you approach your role as wife #3 of 4.

I'm also sad that you are lonely in your marriage. You have been so understanding of the other wive's needs...don't lose sight of your own. "New3" has given you great him....she is correct... he is likely distracted and the squeaky wheels do get the oil (#'s 1 and 4)!

I'm a big fan of Big Love and mostly identify with Barb (are you surprised?) The beautiful way you and others "talk" about your day to day lives in polygamy add a credibility to the lifestyle the show simply cannot provide.

I also enjoyed reading "C's" eloquent postings on Distelfink Farm. Since she has made her site private (and I understand why) I can no longer see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will see this and invite me in!

Anyway, please keep have such a wonderful way with words!

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

Take a deep, cleansing breath, and call him. I am echoing everyone here, including what your heart is already telling you. Your heart knows what to do, but your stubborn head is feeling miffed right now.

The next time you have some quality time with hubby, remember this experience and talk to him about it. Tell him how you felt and why.

Big cyber hugs!


3rd... said...

@cathy - thank you for your sweet comment! you sound like a Barb :)

what you and new#3 said about the squeaky wheel getting greased (so true) really touched me..

about *c*'s blog - she needs to have an email address in order to add someone to her blog. You can email me and I will forward it to her, my email you will find if you click on my name above this comment..

3rd... said...

@all - thank you so much for the incouraging words, they really helped.. we're in cyberworld, but still they reached my heart - how strange is that? :)

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Hey 3rd ask 'C' to invite me too...I miss reading her blog....

J said...

i can't image what it must be like to be one of 4 wives...your patience and consideration of the others is amazing :)