Friday, August 1, 2008

Failure

1st decided she doesn't want to share a home with us... I am sad.

She feels she would be giving up too much of herself. It's not the same with just the three of us, so I am bummed. It s*cks. I could write about whose fault it is, but I would probably blame everybody else but me, and that would be unfair.

I struggle with being honest here.
I try to find the right balance between not misrepresenting the people I love – my view is a one-sided view, not disclosing personal stuff of the people around me since it would be without their consent, being true, and protecting my identity… If I end up writing all the details, and my sisterwives stumble upon this blog...I wouldn’t feel too happy and they wouldn’t neither.

But to tell you my feelings. I feel like it’s a failure that she is not on board. Our failure, not hers. We didn’t manage to make her trust us, to be trustworthy. She struggles with us a lot. She always tells us we have no idea what she sacrifices and how much effort she puts in, in comparison to us. And I think it’s true. I accept the fact that it must be way harder on her after being alone with Mr.Hubby for years and us popping in one after the other with our happy clue-less attitude. But - I do not really get it. Not really. It’s a reality I haven’t lived – so I can only imagine, not understand. And even though she knows she can’t blame us, she doesn’t feel we can truly be close and share everything..

When I first saw Big Love on TV I was amazed at the amount of warmth and acceptance from Barb towards all the silly, disrespecting and sometimes even mean behavior from the other wives. I couldn’t imagine this to be true. But then again, it may be difference of character. 1st always speaks from the heart and when something hurts her, she will lay all her feelings and pain on the table and confront you with it. She will say “how can you do this?” “don’t you see I am in this situation?” “how can you be so inconsiderate?” And though we see she is right, we fail each time again, simply because we don’t live her life and do not perceive every situation from the historic reference that she does.
So now she said – I can’t be on board here. And I can’t blame her. I can blame us. Maybe I should not say “us”, just say “me”. But it’s not just me. Too much stupid stuff comes from 2nd and 4th as well. And if I would really be candid I’d say that more stupid stuff comes from them.. but at the same time I ask all internet: don’t believe what I say, I’m sure they would have their own version of the story to tell.

31 comments:

*C* said...

That must be disappointing. How long was First married before Second came along? I not married very long at all. I think it helped, because I didn't have this whole life with lots of experiences of being in a mono marriage... There were some adjustments, but I barely remember what it was like before SW came along.

hrazzaghi1 said...

3rd, how did your husband tell 1st about wanting to be in a polygamous marriage? Was he open about it to begin with? Do you think some of her frustration has to do with him at all and not so much the other wives?

I don't know the situation at all... just trying to understand it from different angles.

The Pastoral Princess said...

Don't forget that even on Big Love Barb struggles with the whole "this wasn't my idea" and "I never signed on for this kind of life" isssues. She even packed up and moved for a while.

I agree that some of this may have everything to do with the way you hubby handled the introduction of polygamy to her. What is the back story there?

Anonymous said...

Third, you are absolutely, completely beautiful. That said, life is perfect for no one...

BIG HUG! :)

Disciple said...

A polygynous family is the perfect place to learn, really learn to live the love of Christ - to lay down our life for the sake of the others.

I, of course, don't know what it is that you and the others are doing that is bothering 1st so much. It is my prayer that each of you will grow in your obedience to Christ's commandment that we love one another as He loved us - that is that He laid down His life for us. I would very much appreciate your prayers for me and my family, too.

It is my prayer, too, that 1st will come to see the great opportunity and priviledge she has to help build her husband and her sister-wives up.

If we look only at ourselves and our "happiness", we will never be truly happy. We can only be truly happy by taking up our cross and following after Christ.

I hope I don't come across as if I'm preaching; these are simply the things I am seeing from Scripture and teaching in my own family.

God bless you.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I don't think I could live with CW just because we all know I am crazy and I would probably lose it...while washing dishes and them being all lovey dovey I might hurt them with dinnerware...

new#3 said...

3rd, don't be so sad, please. Believe me when I tell you that all of you under one roof may only make things harder and perhaps 1st knows this in her heart of hearts. Remember, if you are all under one roof with your husband, the jealousy level will probably rise. In addition to this, the level of compromise will be greater. How will the home be decorated? Where will your room be? Every meal together, where will you sit? There is more, much, much more. I don't recommend it, except that it makes it slightly easier for hubby in some respects and yes, yes, you get to see him a little more.

3rd... said...

@all - I'll make sure to write a post about the history of things, though in general terms - I am sure you understand the motives for that

3rd... said...

@ua-r you're back! :) I'm sure you would just throw a pot or pan and that never killed anybody right..

3rd... said...

@disciple - thanks for the comment - I think we know very well what God expects from us and what would be our best behaviour, but sometimes we just must admit that we nowhere near that point... the ideal is an end-goal, journey towards it is a struggle

3rd... said...

@new#3 - thanks for the note.. we do have to discuss all these details with each other now - and be honest about what we will be able to carry and what would be a limit for us.

Debra said...

3rd, I am sorry to hear that first wife has decided to move out of hte home.

When all is said and done, everyone has to make adjustments and compromises, and if those adjustments and compromises are too much for 1st wife, then she is at least being true to her own heart and doing what she thinks is best.

Hopefully your family can adjust to being a two household unit--many poly families do indeed live in separate households successfully.

Best wishes to you all during this time of adjustment.

~D

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

That is what I was thinking...But the iron skillet may cause serious injuries that I just don't want to be responsible for...

new#3 said...

See, and please understand I do realize that Big Love is just a TV show but I'm going to use it for an example anyway.
I live in a household where we are all under one roof. One kitchen, 2 bathrooms (there are also 2 teenage boys so basically the adults share one bathroom, 1 living room, 1 dining room and an office area. It's hard in ways that have nothing to do with "marital relations."
Maybe I'm wrong but I think separate households eliminates frustrations, jealousies of the non-sexual kind, resentments and compromising on every little thing. Wall color, furniture, knick knacks, dishes, the damn television, who's car gets parked where, the silverware, the seats on the couch, the books on the shelves, the ...toothbrushes, the time you take your shower or bath, the bedtimes, the towels, the laundry, the housework has to be divided up, the space in general...just about EVERYTHING has to be compromised or shared or put aside....in my mind it just makes things that much more difficult. Then if you take in to consideration that wife 1 was living there before and besides having to have gone from monogamy to polygamy she now has to share her home. I can see where she might be coming from and I don't think you should consider it a failure on your part.

mena said...

Tis cruel and unfair to the first wife that your husband wants to make you all stay in the same house with her. I know you 3 wives may be all for it because you'll get to see him more, but this is selfish. you all knew he was married b4 marrying him, as far as i read in your posts, hes a real good man, far better than most men in a poly marriage, I for one respect him for the fact that he is reasonable enough to give the wife with the most children more days. A man giving equal amount of time to a wife with many children as with the one wit none is one of the reasons poly marriages fail. Scholars have said that equality is according to need...

I hope it is his idea that he moves you into the FW's house and not you (3 of you) pushing him for that because of what you (3 of you) hope to benefit from "living all together as a family" at the expense of the FW.

Anonymous said...

In the Koran it is said that sometimes people want what is bad for them and hate that which is good for them. I see this as being one of those times.

If anything I think you and #4 should move in together. By doing so you two get to see hubby more and others don't have to worry about getting as many approvals as all 4 living together.


with 5 adults and the kids b/w #1 & #2 can you imagine what the bathroom would be like lol.

American Muslima Writer said...

I've said this many times on various blogs but I've never heard of any of the prophets 9 wives staying in the same house together. I haven't heard it's not allowed but still there was so much bickering and jealousies and athey all had their own hosues. We should try to follow that.
I understood that #1 was divorcing you all but then through the commetns she's just getting a new house? which is it?
I'm sorry that you have this to deal with, knowing a woman is unhappy in poly and unale to do much about it. Family meetings are very important to give everyone a chance to communicate their issues, do you all have them?
Who is living with who right now exactly?
I have to agree that the commenter who said if you HAD to live together then you should do it in twos which personalities are suited to the other. Seems more resaonable than 4 women in one house OH MY that is too much for my brain to cope with I don't knwo how you'd do it.
Insha'Allah Allah makes it easy for you all to deal with this trial Allah has given you.

Anonymous said...

Why do people assume you are Muslim?

Anonymous said...

Hello, I sent the anonymous post referencing the Koran. I know that Mrs. 3rd is not Muslim b/c of her post "Once and for All"

http://3rdlady.blogspot.com/2008/06/once-and-for-all.html

She did not say her religion specifically, but Islam is ruled out b/c things were said that go against that religion. My reference to the Koran was simply that, a reference. Its just like if I were to reference a television show or a magazine etc.

I agree that people should not assume 3rd is a Muslim. They forget the focus of this blog is her experience being the 3rd wife of 4. Matters such as jealousy, trust, lack of trust, love etc transcend all religions and a human characteristics we can all relate to.

hrazzaghi1 said...

anonymous, just out of curiosity... what about that post ruled out Islam for you?

I don't think it's really appropriate to discuss 3rd's religion since she would discuss it herself if she wanted to make it public.

I am just interested to know what it was exactly that ruled out Islam for you.

Anonymous said...

There is more than one anonymous, I am not the one that commented on the Quran, though.

I think the reason that some readers feel she may not be Muslim is because of this statement:

"For me it’s a fact that most His Prophets and Saints lived polygyny."

Someone said in one of the earlier comments that the word Saint in Islam is usually only used by Sufis who are quite esoteric and many times never even marry.

The closest term in the Quran to Saint is translated as "friends of Allah".

Only God knows if 3rd is or isn't Muslim and she has stated that she is not going to clarify or have to justify herself.

I am just saying that I think that is the reason why some of us readers think she kinda gave it away, but again, it's her perogative and only God knows.

Not to judge, just to explain.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

HA HA I like the religious inquiries.....its humerous to me...I don't think she outs herself as far a religion is concerned in any aspect she seems very open minded and damn smart....

Anonymous said...

well, as I said before, I think she did give it away.

Muslims don't believe in Saints. And those Muslims that do (Sudis) don't practice polygamy (sometimes don't even marry).

So, yeah, only God knows, ut as far as I am concerned, it seems she gave it away that she is not Muslim.

Also, she is on a Utah group somewhere online.

Anonymous said...

It seems as if there are 2 or 3 anonymous ppl commenting on this particular post.

I think its interesting how the topic of religion took off like wild fire and 3rd lady said she makes no mention of it b/c of reasons similar.

I have study about marriage ceremonies in Islam when my friend was getting married last yr. I remember reading that it is obligatory to announce marriages in Islam and to do otherwise would be going against the doctrine of Islam.

anonymous w/ the koran reference lol how many of us are there

Anonymous said...

Please disregard the mention of announcing marriages above. I ended up typing what I was saying to someone.

hrazzaghi1 said...

Anonymous, I disagree that the word "saints" is not really used in Islam. Traditional sunnis and shi'as alike have used that word or similar wording to describe the "friends" of Allah (swt). Most traditional sunnis believe in following a sufi tariqah, and they follow one of the four madhab scholars. This has always been what traditional sunnis have been about- and they all encourage marriage.

Disciple said...

For a beautiful example of what a polygynous family can be, may I point to the posting "What are we afraid of?" at the Merry Wives blog?

Here's the url: http://merrywives.wordpress.com/2008/08/06/what-are-we-afraid-of/

A really beautiful example of sharing and helping as a part of everyday life.

3rd... said...

@mena - thanks for commenting! and welcome! we have been discussing living together for a while now, and we have all been very unsure whether to do it or not. Mr.Hubby doesn't see the problem but all 4 of us see potential issues. 1st has just taken the decision she will definitely not do it..

@all - please refer to whatever religioun or faith, as I said before I hope to learn from all - and thank you all for sharing your points of view here! I agree fully with what one of the anon's said "Matters such as jealousy, trust, lack of trust, love etc transcend all religions and are human characteristics we can all relate to."

@disciple - thanks for the link, will check it out now!

Anonymous said...

Orthodox Muslims do not accept the term Saints. However, I mentioned that some Sufis do. But Sufis don't practice polygamy.

That leaves Shias. And well, Shias practice Muta, so it is an extremely liberal version of polygamy.

And yeah, there are a lot of anonymous commenters!!!

I'll be muslimgirl anonymous. LOL

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Ok sooooo anyway.....

Anonymous said...

Greeting to All,

As my husband's first wife and I can understand where #1 is coming from. For me personally it has nothing to do with how my husband went about doing things and it has nothing to do with the others. I don't want to have to change the way I love my husband. If I want to walk around 1/2 naked b/c I know he likes it I don't want to have to worry about other in the house. I want to be able to kiss and be kissed without feeling being upset. Can you see how it ONLY has to do with me and the way I love my husband?

However everything works out for the best for you and I enjoy reading about your experience.