Thursday, August 7, 2008

Background

As promised I am posting the background story of our family, the general overview of course. It took a while to get it written, sorry for the absence...Some wondered how 1st was introduced with polygny and if that might be the real cause why she won’t share the same house with us, should we would move in together. I don’t think so since Mr.Hubby and her agreed on polygyny even before their marriage and she was the one to introduce 2nd. I do think she might not have realized what it was that she was accepting.

She was married with Mr.Hubby six years before 2nd entered and her entering was 1st's idea. The two of them were good friends and I guess 1st figured that she trusted 2nd, kids liked her, she was a great help around the house.. so if there were to be a 2nd why not her close friend.. Once the marriage happened it turned out harder than expected. I wasn’t around then so I know this form what Mr.Hubby, 1st and 2nd have told me. My conclusion is that it was hard for 1st to realize 2nd was forming an intimate relationship with Mr.Hubby. Before it had always been through 1st. But all of a sudden 2nd and Mr.Hubby had something between the two of them.. and the relationship between 1st and 2nd changed from 2nd being solely a friend to 1st, to being another wife - and thus having needs and demands of her own. So they struggled, sometimes they would be close, other times they would not talk to each other.

I came in through Mr.Hubby some five years after. I met Mr.Hubby and we felt a connection very quickly. We used to talk on the phone a lot for half a year or so, and we met some times as well though in company of others. Once we were both sure about what we felt, he told 1st and 2nd about me. They agreed after meeting me. But once the fact was there, they felt he was spending too much time with me, that I was not being open, that they couldn't trust me. I guess that was true, though they had a bond between them before becoming sisterwives so - to my defense - I couldn't copy that. And I didn't know how to be open with two women whose husband I was sharing, while it was obvious that it hurt them a lot.. They ended up becoming very close again due to their shared pain of me becoming 3rd. I felt overwhelmed at times due to all the emotional outbursts on the phone, at my home, at their home... I was thinking to myself - if it is causing them so much grief how in the world can it be right?

Mr.Hubby was committed to make it work for all of us. He spent a lot of time explaining to me how they felt and why in order to make it easier for me to relate to them. Because of this, when I would meet with them I could let them know I understood their pain and was willing to do my best to make this situation work. After some two years of true emotional roller-coaster rides they found a way to believe me and trust me, at least to some extent. And we were able to start and build a relationship and even do fun stuff together.

4th was a close friend of mine and much like with *c* she formed a relationship with Mr.Hubby by herself without me being in the loop. I saw it and felt it, but I didn't want to pry, so I waited till they decided to tell me themselves. It hurt.. it really did. Sometimes I felt treated like a fool. Sometimes it was so obvious they had met each other that I felt it was insulting - as if I were some idiot who would not see through their lies.
Mr.Hubby took me out to lunch one day and with a very long introduction told me that they were interested in each other. My heart sank – but I was relieved at the same time. It sank because my suspicions were true, and it was relieved because he finally decided to tell the truth. I was happy for 4th and sad for myself. Because I knew things would change from now on. I decided to call her up and meet with her. We did, and I told her that it was hard on me, but I did feel happy for her, and that I did hope she would feel happy with Mr.Hubby and with us.

However on 1st and 2nd this was way too hard and it came very unexpectedly. 1st felt that it had been enough by now. She wondered why 4th had to enter, why Mr.Hubby didn’t spend his time on his families, instead of building another one. She saw her time diminish even more. They went through major arguments, and I felt sad for 4th to see her in the middle of all of this, just the way I was in the beginning. I assured her to keep her head cool and show 1st and 2nd her good intentions and that I was here to support her. It worked. They accepted her, even though both of them continued to have objections if Mr.Hubby was, according to them, meeting her too often or spending too much time with her.

What hurt me most however was that 4th turned out to be less accepting of me, than I was of her. While I was offering her my support she was complaining to Mr.Hubby if he was spending time with me, she would come to my home even and argue with him. That came out of the blue for me. I really thought we would become close sisters and friends and wish each other the best. Now things are better, but it took a lot of arguing and talks with Mr.Hubby for 4th to understand she was doing wrong.

Through all of this, as I said in the previous post 1st has always felt misunderstood by us. We enter and are happy to accept this life, don’t mind a lot, when Mr.Hubby comes to our home we are happy to see him, not realizing 1st is missing him greatly. She sees how oblivious we are to her pain in every little thing we do and it frustrates her . She doesn’t believe we will ever get her, and that living together would mean she’d have to sacrifice too much of herself in order to make it work..

13 comments:

Brenda - Noor said...

wow! As expected, Everyone of you have had your struggles in this. I do feel for the first. She started out with good intentions and maybe it somehow ended up backfiring & bit her in the ass. As you said, i don't think she really knew what she was getting into.

I was gonna try polygyny with my husband. Well he met the potential, which happened to be my friend. I was thinking, This is great, I get to have my best friend around all the time and we would all be one big happy family. It was okay as long as I was the intermediary but when they started developing feelings for each other and talking together without me being around, it came back and bit me in the ass. I discovered that I had this jealousy that I didn't know existed. Yeah I knew I had some but not to this extent. I thought i was okay with it at first. But I wasn't. I didn't show my feelings because I had got something started and couldn't be selfish as to trying to put and end to it. So I just smiled and put on a happy face but I felt like i was dying inside. But then something happened between them and it ended. They never married thankfully and I am so thankful it has ended between them.

I love him and I think I just need him to be with me. I think God showed me that and showed me that I wasn't up to this. It was a good lesson to learn about myself.

Anonymous said...

What first fails to see are the alternate realities she has rejected (monogamy). She has the spiritual growth of a man dealing with all of these women and issues--he is maybe more than 4x the man with her that he would be otherwise, plus he probably has a lot more spiritual and emotional energy when he is with her now . . .

If he were "still alone with her" there is a big chance he wouldn't be "still alone with her" if you get my drift.

So, she wants the benefits of his growth and energy as well as his time. She wants her cake and to eat it, too. If she saw how most marriages work--6 is not the end of the line--he would be gone almost as much, perhaps, but out with the boys, etc...

I think one solution is fostering intimate sexual relationships among the women, sharing bedtimes...stop thinking of time as "yours, mine, and ours"...

And animosity towards other wives is really animosity towards oneself for going down the path. Ultimately, each much accept ones own decision to do this or get out.

It is as simple as that.

new#3 said...

thank you for the background :) It makes me feel better to see that mine isn't the only plural marriage with these types of jealousies and pain. I understand your First wife's pain. I really do. And each of yours in turn when another is added. Polyamy isn't an easy way to live but there are rewards that are sometimes hard to explain. I feel you approach the telling of it very well. It is a shame though that your friendship with fourth wife has faltered.
By the way, I am not able to email you through your blog. I have started my own and wanted to ask if I could put this one on my list of blogs.
I love reading your posts and look forward to them :) Be strong.

PM said...

I can't but help but wonder why your husband (and some of you wives) are not conecrned about how he is spreading himeself so thin among women, and especially children. While I admire you kindness and sensitivity, I frankly don't see those characteristics in a man who is willing to spend as little time and energy on someone he marries and especially has children with. It just seems horribly selfish to me.

May I ask if it is some kind of religious motivation that made your husband think having 4 wives (and potentially more, I guess) is a good thing?

Regards,
PM

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Interesting. I just can't find anything to comment about. I will say if we all lived together I would miss the closeness Hubby and I have. I would miss cuddling on the couch or throwing skillets at him. I am a touchy feely person and I would not be able to be that way because I would be too concerned about her feelings....you know? It would be like the time they were making out in the kitchen while I was waitng for him to come home with me...I just can't have thier affection thrown in my face 24/7 sometimes i am OK with it and sometimes not and the times I am not I can leave and come to my OWN SEPERATE house. Where would I go if we lived together? To my room so she could come and tell me she loved him more cuz he was the only man she had ever been with....and she was first, so she should be the one upset not me..... Ummm no thanks...I like my house....

Anonymous said...

I have to say I agree with ummabdur.
We live 24/7 all in the same house and honestly the constant show of affection, I mean CONSTANT, from #2 to hubby can drive me CRAZY. I have my own room but still..because I feel too considerate of #1's feelings to behave that way constantly, I don't indulge. Matter of fact took me a while to show any PDA toward hubby. However, this isn't the only reason I wish I had my own house...the bathroom...the kitchen...the book shelves...the continual compromising...it's just I feel it makes a challenging situation that much more difficult. Believe me Third, you have to be careful what you wish for! lol

Anonymous said...

Don't think "me, me, ME!" ... Think FAMILY! ... Whether wives be one or two or three ... or even more maybe ... This is the key to living happily - Don't think "me, me, ME!" ... Think FAMILY!

God bless you,
Disciple

3rd... said...

@new#3 - cool! you can find my email in my profile overview.. just click on my name above this comment and it will bring you to my profile with my e-mail..

Musleema said...

Yep, PM I think you got it right. I almost feel bad for your husband. If you all are share bickering over the time he spends with each of you which probably isn't a whole heck of a lot of time, what time does he have with his children and what time does he have alone to himself? He's spread very thin and truthfully as he ages this may be a huge factor on his health. I know my husband and most men feel like they are so strong and have the ability to do it ALL everyday! This is false. The only one who does not tired nor sleep overtakes Him is Al Qawi. Everyone else falters, but with four wives, faltering a little would have such mega consequences with the wives, let alone the children.

Brenda - Noor said...

OH NO! Somebody tell *C* on distelfink farm to PLLLLZZZZZ invite me to read her blog. I have been reading it foooor quite sometime now. I am a poor noter but I promise i will note on every post inshallah!

this is what I get:
"This blog is open to invited readers only
http://distelfinkfarm.blogspot.com/

It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

You're signed in as brendaweaisle@yahoo.com"

hrazzaghi1 said...

brenda-noor, me too!!! I want to be invited too!!! I'm an avid reader of her blog and have been thinking about/praying for her sooo much lately... :(

3rd... said...

@brenda-noor and hrazzaghi1 - i've notified *c* of your comments here, so who knows.. in any case even if she would like to invite you guys - she needs your e-mail adresses and your profiles do not disclose those - so you might consider changing that?

3rd... said...

update - got a message from *c* that her blog is private temporarily, it has to do with her situation at home, she plans to open it up for everyone again