Thursday, September 11, 2008

Overcoming the lows

I was feeling low last week.. sometimes, anything can be too much. When I feel like that I am not walking around ranting or screaming or anything of the kind. I just feel very tired, very quiet and lonely. Lonely in the sense that I wish to be alone, because the cheery mood of others hurts, and yet I long for warmth of people at the same time. It’s a mixed emotion - I don’t even know what to make of it let alone explain it well to Mr.Hubby.
Sometimes I wonder what the root is, since I have been having such mood swings forever. They have become much less frequent and less intense in the last years, still they do come back occasionally.
When I was younger I would lock myself up in my room and cry for a full day, now I just get silent, reflective. I always end up looking forward and thinking ‘there’s still so many years ahead’. I think that with a sense of heaviness. I start to wonder what the use is of life, of all the things we go through. We end up in the soil anyway, and life continues and we get forgotten, our deeds are so small, futile in comparison to the creation, so why aren’t we already in our final destination? I start thinking of all the people that enjoy themselves in this life, that are so happy with all the material things, all the achievements they are striving after, and it’s as if someone turns on the light when you are having a migraine. It so turns me off, I just want to crawl in a small hut in the middle of the desert and stay there, alone.
I don’t really know what it is, why I get these feelings, what I should do with them. I can write them down now, but I can’t when I am actually feeling them. So Mr.Hubby makes the effort to talk with me, tries to understand what’s wrong. And all I can do is sob and utter one or two words. He holds me, says he is sorry for whatever he does wrong, for everything which I am carrying due to his ignorance.
I asked him what God intends with marriage, with sharing a life together. The movie “Hancock” kind of describes what I was trying to say. The way I see it is that God creates a mutual attraction, liking and love between two people, but He doesn’t want us to lose ourselves in that love and thus forget about Him. So He creates distances through polygyny. In the movie Hancock they were so powerful when apart, and so weak when near.
Mr.Hubby said that God makes us be together to find solace, comfort and companionship in one another. “If a group of people goes to a movie, they might all like it. But out of ten people maybe there will be just one other person who will like the exact same scenes that you did, or will see the same message that you did. You will feel a connection with that person which you will not feel with the other nine. Still the main thing is the movie, not talking with each other. Watching the movie may merely be more enjoyable when together..”
“Our lives are about gaining nearness to God. We draw nearer to one another through this mutual goal. That makes us to have a special and deep bond. The reason I liked you when we met is that I recognized your yearning for faith, your questions.. that made me want you in my life – as a companion. People with no faith say we use our faith to make ourselves believe we should do all these things for God. As if we are brainwashing ourselves. But for us it’s the other way around - without faith there is no reason for being together – life, relationships are empty, dead.”
And all of a sudden life seemed so full of possibilities. It might be that I will not have to wait until I pass away for nearness, for the taste of true spirituality, for that liberation from this material heaviness. I have had small appetizers in the past, who knows what God might bring on my path. And Mr.Hubby would be there to experience these things with... and share the adventures.
I felt so relieved and cried all the previous heaviness away on his shoulder. I needed that talk.


new#3 said...

sounds like you have a wonderfully understanding hubby :)

glad you're feeling better!

Safiyyah said...

"Mr.Hubby said that God makes us be together to find solace, comfort and companionship in one another."

Funny how the Mr. Hubbys of the world ALWAYS have solace, comfort, and companionship. They are ALWAYS with one wife or another.

But what about the Mrs. Wifeys?

Not trying to be smart, oppositional, or disrespectful, Third. Really. I just reacted when I read those lines.

Women share one husband in plural marriage. But one husband doesn't share anything! Is it no wonder that many women in plural marriage are depressed or have mood swings?

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I just want to crawl in a small hut in the middle of the desert and stay there, alone..---I got lots of desert around we can build you a tent....

As for me I feel the same way it used to happen alot when I was younger but it has gotten better for me too. I wonder if that is from age or from Islam. When I get like this I scream and cry and then I just the next day I am better. There is no reason for it, at least none that I can pinpoint exactly it just happens.Anyway that was all I am good lows....And I am glad you are feeling better too. Your hubby seems very understanding and compassionate Mash'Allah....

3rd... said...

Saffiyah, I get your comment - it's just that these lows have always been with me. From way before Mr.Hubby or faith even.

I try to be truthful to myself and recognize the true pain. Not just shove all the blame on Mr.Hubby and sisterwives and polygyny. That would be the easy way out...

I think polygyny is a struggle. It's a fight. It's not ease... So there is no wonder women are depressed. I don't think in this day and age it will be most women very happy to share their husband if they don't do it for a purpose.. I think women who can share just for the sake of the husband and are happy with it, will be very rare. Most men are not worth it. Most men are egoists.

Safiyyah said...

Yes, I can understand that. I have my lows that have nothing to do with anyone or Islam even.

I think polygny can work with all parties involved if ALL parties want it and welcome it. I know of these cases, Alhamdulillah. I think it is cases where it is not wanted, where polygny is forced on women, or even done in a sneaky way - that's where the problems and depression enter.

For Muslim women, it is an extra special challenge because Allah (swt) allows for a man to have more than one wife. We know this as Muslim women. But the struggle is when we get screwed over in the process. This is not what Allah (swt) intended for Muslim women. He made polygny as a protection for Muslim women, not as a course of insecurity and constant pain. Of course, many of us get: "Well, what's wrong with you, sister? Allah allows this. It's the Sunnah." and etc. etc. It's like we are accused of having a low level of faith, not being a good Muslim woman, or not being able to control emotions, etc.

When this is not actually the case overall.

I think that it's the men who make things difficult.

It's easy for men to talk sweet pretty words when they don't deal with what I have described above. It's easy for them to whisper sweet words when they, the men, always have one woman or other.

It takes a special and strong man to carry it off. Ah, if we could find these brothers :)

You're correct: most of them aren't worth it. There's an old saying that goes, "You can do bad all by yourself." lol.