Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Society as our ultimate trap

Sometimes you have those days or moments when certain things click in your mind in a way in which they didn't click before. Like you knew them, but all of a sudden it seems someone turned on the light and now you really see it clearly.

I had a similar feeling about the way our modern society looks like. Things I may have written about before, but the absurdity of some things just really dawned on me.

I am sure that all the women reading this will agree that if you want to lose some weight you shouldn’t go to the grocery store while hungry. It’s best to go when you’ve just eaten because otherwise you will succumb to the temptation and just buy (and eventually eat) all kinds of junk. If you really want to lose weight and then keep that size it is best to eat plenty but healthy and to exercise of course.

Now it is so clear that we do not want to eat junk. We want to eat healthy food. We want to lose weight or maintain a certain weight. Yet so many of us keep falling back and eating junk or sweets or fat food. And when a new day comes a new intention is made and we try to overcome our weaknesses and keep our promise to ourselves.

I wrote earlier about the difference between men and women and I shared my thoughts on how men are much more s.exually oriented than women. I’d say you may compare a man’s s.exual needs to those of a big hungry lady..
Ok, I said it jokingly, but I think the principle applies. I think men are just hungry for s.ex, more so than women. In general of course, I know some women are different than others. I dare to bet though that in an average marriage the man is the one who usually wants to have more and is often left feeling frustrated.

Now we are living in a society in which monogamy is the norm. And all women are walking around half naked. Women compete in looking hot, and all over in all forms of media, s.ex and enticing things are thrown in our face, or are very easily accessible (like p0rn).
But men are supposed to be monogamous.
So they walk around like a big fat lady who is trying to diet. What happens.. she ends up eating fast food in her car secretly – she stuffs it all down her throat and then drives home feeling miserable and like a failure.
And men cheat, or in many cases even visit pr0stitutes or engage in strange and pe.rverse behavior or scoop around the internet in search of ever worse forms of p0rn. And then feel ashamed and depressed even just to repeat the same thing the next time..

If we assume that the devil knows our nature and our weaknesses, and maybe for some readers this will be too much religious stuff.. but if the devil knows our weaknesses, wouldn’t this society be exactly that which serves his need, namely to just destroy all the beauty which we have in us?
There are more thoughts in my mind, but just wanted to send this one out and see how you guys think about the subject.


Donald said...

Can I start by saying, men should never use these things as an excuse to be sexually promiscuous. We all have to learn self-control.

Okay, now that I've got that out of the way… Yes, 3rd I agree… Our culture seems designed to set us up for failure. To take your analogy of the hungry woman… It's like putting her in a room full of Krispy Kreme donuts and telling her she can't eat any. If she's hungry, she has to wait by the magic vending machine. If she's good, the magic vending machine will give her a donut every so often, but there's no guarantee — sometimes it just doesn't feel like it, and she may have to wait for weeks. Sometimes, while she's waiting, a waiter will come by and urge her to take one… but she has to resist.

Hidden Sage said...

It's like putting a dieting Cookie Monster in a room stuffed with an assortment of warm freshly baked cookies, and telling him he can't touch, taste, or eat any cookies other than the one cookie he's always had.

It's like telling someone who had just finished a 30 day fast and walked into a Cinnabon bakery she can't have any Cinnabons.

It's like sending your kid to Toys'R'Us with a pocket full of cash and telling him he can't buy any new toys because he already has one.

It's like...

3rd... said...

that's hilarious... lol

Donald, Mr.Hubby told me the same thing
- when he was still only with 1st, he used to do his best and try and do everything right in the hope that she would be in the mood. And that he used to feel so disappointed if she just didn't feel like it...

I thought that was just so sad..its as if the wife is insensitive in that case, but we women just don't feel the same way, so its kinda hard to grasp what it's like for a man..

Hanieh said...

I have such mixed feelings about this. I agree that men have a harder time with physical intimacy, so I know that this argument makes sense to me somewhat on a logical level.

However, allow me to play Devil's Advocate. Women seek emotional intimacy a lot more than men, and men do not always know how to provide that intimacy (just like women fall short of being as se.xual with men). I would also argue that this society is much harder on women than it is for men. Yes, it is harder for men to keep their eyes lowered. However, women have to feel like they should compete with all the other women and images that their husbands are bombarded with. They want to feel attractive to their husbands, and let's face it... it's not always easy to be as se.xy or as beautiful as the half-naked women on beaches, etc. There is just as much pressure on women as there is on men, but it's a different kind of pressure. This is why we have fat women in cars stuffing their faces and feeling depressed and lonely. They feel emotionally alone and also feel unable to fit a certain type of beauty.

The problem is a spiritual one. Polygamy is not necessarily going to solve the problem. As a society, we have lost our sense of shame. We do not understand what real intimacy is, and we do not know what our restrictions are with the opposite sex. We do not know how to lower our eyes, and we have no concept of self-control. In my humble opinion, these are all spiritual sicknesses.

To me, polygamy is much more than just se.xual desire. It's a lifestyle that tests us in this world... and it's a very difficult test, so many religious people believe that the reward is greater in the afterlife since their tests purified them in this world.

coolred38 said...

Its not that women want sex any less...just that women are the ones that generally suffer the consequences of sex and all its can basically have the sex and walk away without too much thought.

All though I do agree that society could use a bit of a moral upgrade...I do not agree that men are basically teased into behaving immorally. We all have our burdens to bear...half naked women just might be a burden for men to bear...not to view as a prize to be obtained etc. Just a thought.

Natja's Natterings said...

I feel troubled by all the 'Ooh poor men, they are being lured into temptation by half naked women' thing that often goes around. As Donald wrote at the beginning, these things can't be used as an excuse. We should all have some degree of self control, lets face it, the 'fat lady' isn't always hungry is she, she is just eating because she WANTS to. Similarly men 'eat' because they WANT to, women on the other hand have had eons of social pressure telling them that they are prized if they DON'T eat and women that eat a lot are certainly less attractive than the ones who are starved.

As an (albeit bad) scientist, I am loathe to go into that men are more sexual business. We are still evaluating the effect of socialisation on female sexuality but one thing IS true biologically, women have fluctuating levels of testosterone which plays a large hand in female libido, it is often higher when women are ovulating yes, but women also have higher levels at significantly infertile periods i.e. when she is already pregnant or post ovulatatory.
Many women find themselves with a very reduced libido many weeks or months after giving birth, is this hormonal? The new mothers negative feelings about her body or is it a natural evolved response to make sure that a new mother is totally focused on her new baby and not keeping a man happy in bed?

Another interesting thing about female sexual response was a study found that a woman's body was reacting to visual stimulation to a wider variety of things than men were BUT they were less likely to admit to what they found stimulating!
Truth told, we know very, very little about female sexuality, it does no good to simply say women are less sexual than men, what might be more correct would be to say, there is more to sex than the ACT of sex with women.
Let us not forget that women are the only species that has a dedicated organ designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris has no other function than to make us feel fabulous!!!!

Anna said...

I partly agree with Hanieh and fully endorse coolred's and Natja's points.

It also has to be said that women's sexuality has been repressed for many many years in the name of culture and religion. Most of the women in many patriachial cultures even now do not fully enjoy sex and do not even know what an orgasm feels like.

Women also have so much responsibilities during the day. WOrking, cooking, looking after kids, teaching them and many more. Often they feel exhausted at the end of the day. And as Hanieh said women need emotional closeness to enjoy sex. Is it not the men's responsibility to work on that closeness rather than running off to find another mate to mate?

If the 1st wife said that she was not in the mood more often, I sincerely think you hubby should have sit wiht her, talk to her and try to find out what was holding her back.

Anna said...

"try to find out what was holding her back."

I was meant to say "try to find out why she was holding back."

Natja's Natterings said...

Good points Anna!

>>If the 1st wife said that she was not in the mood more often, I sincerely think you hubby should have sit wiht her, talk to her and try to find out why she was holding back'

It is true, we (women) are expected to do a great deal during the day and still look and feel like a sex bomb at night, there is SUCH a lot of pressure in modern society to do it ALL....that is not to say that there are genuinely times that a woman seriously does not want to have sex and she shouldn't be pressured into it and if there is another wife who wants to than fair enough BUT I am totally against the idea of using a biological basis for the advancement of polygyny. Poly is not about sex anyway.

CM said...

I have been chewing on several thoughts here. (in keeping with the food analogy)

First thought - You said "We are living in a society in which monogamy is the norm". While monogamy marriage is the only kind of marriage legally allowed in our society - we do not live in a society in which s.xual monogamy is the norm. Quite the contrary, I believe that "true" marital s.xual monogamy is a rarity. I believe that most adults in our society have had or will have more than one s.xual partner and many of them have done so and are doing so while married.

You are right about the moral breakdown in society and the clothing styles are just one symptom. There has been a s.xual breakdown going on for many years now. Ponography is rampant and readily available at the fingertip (literally because of the internet). Having multiple s.xual partners is portrayed by the media as the norm - for both men and women. It is not only accepted, it is expected! Take a look at the s.xual lives of our politicians and celebrities and our reaction (or lack of) to their s.xual exploits! Take a look at the activities of our teenagers and young adults. Look at the out of wedlock birth rate. Take a look at the divorce rate! etc.

If one is religious (which I am)and believes that s.x only belongs in marriage and that there should be s.xual fidelity in the marriage (which I also believe), then living in this society is extremely hard for both men and women not only because of the dress standards (or lack of), but especially because of the "anything that feels good s.xually is OK" standards of our society. You are right - this society is definitely serving the needs of the devil.

2nd thought - I am not sure you are saying that polygamy is the answer to this problem, but to address this issue that has been raised in the comments - If polygamy was allowed now and had been allowed all along in our society, I don't think that would have prevented this moral breakdown or even had any effect on it.

For the religous minded men (and women) restraint is required whether you are living in a monogamous marriage or a polygamous marriage. Even if a man has more then one wife it does not take away the s.xual temptations that face him. And women have temptations too. There is always going to be "lots of food available" and we have to make the choice "to eat wisely and sometimes not partake at all".

3rd thought - To address the issue of men wanting "it" more then women. In my opinion, the debate of whether men are more s.xually oriented is not that important to me. What is important and essential is a desire to make the marriage work. Men and women both need to be patient, loving, and considerate of the needs of their spouses. That sometimes means putting their own needs (including s.xual ones) aside for awhile. It also means sometimes participating even when not "feeling in the mood". It means being unselfish, making compromises, being forgiving, and willing to give. That is what real marriage is all about - learning to work together to meet each other’s needs and having enough love to adapt if necessary.

4th thought - The good news is that we CAN learn to be strong and learn to overcome our weaknesses. With God's help, we can resist the temptations around us, whatever they are. We CAN win the battle against the devil but only with the help of God and He will help us keep the beauty within ourselves.

That's enough food for now! Now maybe I can go back to sleep. lol Thanks for a very thought provoking post. :)

Donald said...

Great comment Hanieh! You're right… The ubiquity of exposed flesh (particularly Internet porn — where people can easily feed almost any fantasy imaginable, no matter how unrealistic) puts unhealthy pressures on both men and women, and women are often the ones who suffer the most for it. Thank you for reminding us of that!

A husband who wants sex more than his wife may feel frustrated (or even rejected at times) but the wife who can't accept polygamy must suffer a great deal more if her husband desires other women. So if we agree that polygamy is not for everyone (and even most polygamists seem to accept that), we'd have to conclude, along with Hanieh, that polygamy isn't going to heal our society's sexual disease. As she said, it's a deeper problem — a 'spiritual sickness'.

Going back to 3rd's point about the devil actually shaping society in a way to achieve his purposes… I believe the devil's primary aim is to destroy relationships — particularly those most holy of relationships: firstly with God, and secondly with our spouse. Look no further than the old story of Adam and Eve to see this in practice… The serpent not only tempts them away from God, but he sets up a situation where the man ends up blaming the woman for his own sin! 'The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.' (Genesis 3:12)

Adam and Eve ate the fruit because they were deceived by the devil into believing it would give them something they lacked. Modern advertising does the same thing! Some people will see this as a gross oversimplification, but an ultra-short skirt and a plunging neckline is just another form of advertising. So is porn. It says, here is something you want, something that would make you happier if you could get it! Ah… It's just the devil up to his same old tricks.

3rd... said...

I appreciate all the comments here. The post wasn't meant to draw a complete picture of our society and its flaws and of men and women. I fully agree with Hanieh's comment..
And what Donald said about the devil trying to destroy relationships, I think thats a really interesting viewpoint..

The thing that I find a bit funny though is that Donald and Hidden Sage read my post and then elaborated on the way men feel in this half naked society..
however the ladies commenting started objecting... I agree that we women have a lot to do, that we have been socially repressed into not being s.exual, that our bar is set so high that we end up exhausted at the end of the day. I agree with the fact that men shouldn't use their inclinations for immoral or promiscuous behavior.
The thing that remains is; no matter how stressed or exhausted a man is, he is will still choose s.ex over other things as a way to relieve this tension. And we women might warm up a nice bath for ourselves much faster than engage in a hot steaming 1:1 session with our hubby...

I am not saying polygyny is the solution to society's problems.. Not at all.
I do say that leaving the home when you've just eaten a nice healthy meal, will make it easier for you to resist the snickers down at the cash register. And since the world is full with snickers and fast food we should make sure to leave our home when satisfied, definitely NOT hungry.

I think men should leave the home satisfied.. and if we wives are exhausted because of everything we have to do in a day.. polygyny might just be a good thing

Emma Apple said...

I think a lot of this is generalization really though. There are some excellent points in all of this about society, conditioning, expectations, excuses etc. but really, a lot of it is generalization and stereotype.

Just because a woman is a woman who runs a household, raises kids, has a job etc. doesn't mean at the end of the day (even everyday or during the day) she's not thinking of s.x because she's too tired. Maybe s.x is her way of winding down at the end of the day?

And just because a man is a man and see's half naked women prancing around all day, doesn't mean he is going to need more than his wife to fulfill his s.xual needs.

I know your post wasn't meant to delve deeper into the individual issues of a given couple. But it felt a little bit "polygamy is the only way to keep men faithful because they need a lot of sex and can't control themselves" which i think is why you've gotten some of us going 'hey now!' i'm sure that wasn't your intention and i am not anti polygamy at all, just giving my 0.2c

3rd... said...

Emma Apple.. welcome!
Thank you for the comment, it is well appreciated! :)
You know I wrote about this subject before - the link can be found in the firt paragraph of this post. It seems to me like women just don't want to realize how messed up the men are in truth. I mean whose husbands buy all the p0rn, and surf the internet for disgusting stuff, and go to pr0stit. and engage in secret per.verse behavior.. the examples are so abundant, that it just keeps surprising me that women tend to ignore them. As if their husband is wearing an impregnable magic coat that shields him from all the negative things which the rest of the male population does. I get how my post seems to be generalizing and how one may think that I suggest that polygyny will solve the problem. But that is not really it. I write about these things because I see exactly the same reasoning in the people in my real life. Women just refuse to try and accept the reality that men are wired completely different and that you should take into account their shortcomings. If you have kids, you may have watched Madagscar (part1).. men are like Alex.. the lion. And women are like his best friend the zebra

Donald said...

Emma, of course a lot of this is 'generalization'. How can you talk about 'men' and 'women' in general terms without generalizing? Some women are quickly aroused visually, and some women want sex every day. Some men are content without sex, and some men even enjoyed 'Sleepless in Seattle'. We're all unique and that's good! But it's okay to make statistical generalizations too.

Again, I think the point is not that polygamy is the answer to all the problems… but if you're going to address the problems you have to start by looking at things honestly. Various branches of the feminist movement around the 60's and 70's spawned the idea that men and women are identical except for external physique. Those ideas have since been scientifically proven to be false. Some of the 'stereotypes', whether we like it or not, have some truth to them.

Wow 3rd… we're all like Alex the lion now? Unfair generalization! I object!! :P

I still think Hanieh made the best point about 'spiritual sicknesses'. I don't believe God made a mistake when he made us the way we are… Our sexuality is a good thing. But good things can be corrupted and misused. That's what our culture's obsession with porn and casual sex has done IMO — corrupt something that's good.

3rd... said...

Donald once again I loved your comment..

And I think you are definitely like Alex..

mena said...

"It's like telling someone who had just finished a 30 day fast and walked into a Cinnabon bakery she can't have any Cinnabons."

Can you or anyone else kindly explain how this analogy describes a man who already has a wife? I get the other two analogies, thanks.

Donald said...

Mena, an analogy is like a car — if you take it too far, it breaks down.

But that's not original… Let me try and come up with one of my own… Okay…

An analogy is like sex — if you push it too far… No, let me rethink this…

An analogy is like sex — if you overanalyse it, all the magic is gone!

mena said...

By "you", I meant the man that wrote the analogy.

Donald said...

Right. I'm 'anyone else'. :)

mena said...

@ Donald, I wrote my last post before seeing yours...

Donald said...

Ah… no problem. I think Sage must be hiding. :)

Hidden Sage said...

Some men liked 'Sleepless in Seattle'?!!

Who the...? How the...?
Oh my Lord...